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Education/Credentials BA, MA, DoCC
Past/Present Clients Education systems in WV, FL, and NC. Correctional institutions in FL. Mental Health institutions in Fl.Private school settings in TN. Commercial clients in TN. Numerous private clients.
Expert: Dr. Reg Adkins Date: 8/1/2007 Subject: looking for help for mentally slow friend in abusive marriage.
Question QUESTION: Here's a dewsy...(long)
I'm trying to find help for my friend who is mildly slow, but married (not by choice) and has two kids. The husband is the abuser. She is scared of him. The husb is also their kids' dad.
I'm Kim. I've recently moved 35 miles away from my old house where across the street from me, lived this friend of mine. Over there (last house) I used to be friends with a woman who is mildly mentally ill and is married (though not by choice-her mom made her marry him) with two kids.
First off, she tends to do what people in charge (to her) tell her to do.
Long story on that, but here is what recently happened.
Well, my 2 kids would always play with her 2 kids and vice-versa. It was a good relationship amongst the kids and I'd always keep an eye on the mother over there for if she needed anything, besides she's lonely and sad, and feels like there's no hope.
Her husband is sexually & verbally abusive to her -- and verbally abusive to the kids, and abusive period. Though I don't think he's ever hit anyone. She doesn't want to be with him but even though I've given her some possible alternatives, she must not think she's capable of going thru change or seeing what her options are, and she's scared of him anyways.
What happened is this: We (me and kids) were over there visiting and we went to the park, and her kids asked to come out here (our new house) and spend the night and visit with my kids. I said okay and asked their mom was it alright and was it alright with the husband. She said ya, I said are you sure, and she said it would be okay, and I dropped her off at home (from the park), and Me and the four kids came back to our house for the night. Kids had a good time. I took her kids back to their home the next evening.
Well... she acted kind of strange, didn't talk, and she usually talks a lot to me. The husb was home and wouldn't come out, not even to say hi, and just sat at his computer. Anyhow, I left.
About a week or so later, I tried to call and her phone rung. I rung her late at night but no answer, though it was a bit past 10. Then I rung her phone the next day, and it went in to automatic voicemail for screening, not even a ring, and it's been doing that for 4 weeks since.
What I think happened was this (duh): Now she (the mom) would never do anything like that or even program her phone. She really doesn't know how to do it (or read or drive). The idiot husb does. She likes any time I call, since she considers me her best friend.
I think he got pissed she made a decision and let the kids come over, and programmed her phone and/or took her phone.
So now what, I can't even be friends with her or check on her from here cuz of that husband? I can't stand that guy. What to do? The abusive ass. It's typical behavior for someone like that to want all the control I guess.
I've said to her in the past, though I don't think she's ever said anyting to him, to maybe see if she can seek some kind of assisted living or something just to get away from the dumb jerk. Maybe she's afraid for her kids or afraid of losing them? I don't know. Any opinions out there?
Is there anyway I can help her? Or no?
I go over there on Thurs. the 2nd, I wonder what will happen then...
I guess I can check on her--see what's going on.
ANSWER:
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: So, Dr. Reg,
I wonder if she is incapable of asking for help. Either she will or she won't. That's her choice, but I think she's too scare to ask because he's abusive, and she's so scared of him.
I just think that with all the help that's out there, her life could open up to her and be so much better. She could be so much happier. She's quite smart, but just slow, and being abused.
I'm wondering why there is not more help for the mentally ill and don't they have rights? or protection if they cannot protect themselves?
I'll be careful if I see her on Thursday, so as to still be her friend. But if he's taken her phone, what's the sense, I'm 40 miles north now. But then he (the abusive husb) gets the control he wants and gets it how he wants it. I think it was to punish her.
Do I ask her if I see her if she wants help? If she says yes, what do I do?
Answer It is best to ask if she would like help. But you must be prepared with a specific.
My first suggestion would be to contact the school she graduated from. The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) requires the all such persons educated in the public school system have a case manager (usually a teacher) and access to a School Social Worker.
Explain the circumstances of your friend once you are in contact with the social worker. He/She won't be able to give you any information but they may be able to do a follow up.
If that fails contact your local social services office and speak to a Social Worker there.
Do this before you offer help to your friend so that you will know what her options are.
