AboutTrey McGowan Expertise I am able to answer questions about transexual and transgender issues of many kinds, but in particular those tilted toward the FTM (Female-To-Male) transgender. I can offer tips for dressing, passing, binding, packing, behavior, and the like for both drag and full lifestyle. I may also be able to offer some help with finding local peer groups, should you be interested in peer counseling. Sexuality issues, MTF (male-to-female), and other gender issues can also be touched on and I may be able to help.
I am not a professional (I repeat: I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL!) but I can also offer some general peer counseling suggestions and help with finding groups for all branches of gender identification and sexuality. If you are in need of finding a professional, I may be able to find a name in your area to help.
Experience I am personally FTM transgender, living full-time and accepting of my gender identity. I have not yet been through operations (so am unable to offer personal experience on most of these). I have been part of a number of groups, though moving has kept discussions to long distance since then. I am well-studied for a great many years in this area, having begun reading up on it when I first identified and having kept up on it since then. I have no medical credentials in the area of gender counseling but have been part of multiple peer counseling groups.
Organizations Knox Boyz (FTM peer support group)
Nashville T'men (FTM peer support group)
Education/Credentials I have completed grade school, some high school, and my GED.
Question Okay, I am seriously working on coming out to my mom right now. We are a very open minded family, but that does nothing to ease my fears. Okay, sorry. Not the point.
The point is, I've been trying to find a good way to tell her that I identify as an ftm. In taht search, I have come across several websites with advice. They say to be sure you are coming out for the right reasons. That's the first problem; I dont know if I am.
Everyones says its supposed to be because you want a better,more honest relationship with the person you come out to. Well that is a factor, its not the only one. I also want to start gender therapy soon, because I want to start hrt as soon as I can (and, therefore, i will need two years of therapy, or so i'm told). Another reason is that it hurts to hold this inside. Literally. Well there is nothing ohysically wrong with me, lately I always feel sick, guilty even. Like when I was a little kid and lied about taking an extra cookie. I guess it is lying, too. I want to get it out before it kills me. There have been times where I have self injured and contemplated/ attempted suicide(not too often, but more than once). This is eating me up, and I need help. are these the right reasons?
Next question: the sites are divided on this one. Should I say I feel like a boy, i am a boy, i need to be a boy, or (feel like) i should have been born a boy? Some people say the straight out "i am aboy" and the "i need to be a boy" are too direct too soon. Others say you need to show you are serious so those are the best words to use. Any imput?
Well thats pretty much it. Sorry, its kind of long. Thank you in advance.
Answer Hello there, Shay!
First off, let me be the first (well maybe second or third or something) to congratulate you on your strong and mature approach to your difficulties with your family. I understand that it's hard to make the big step, particularly to your parents. It is a step that I firmly believe should be taken at some point, particularly if you are a teenager or young adult. If nothing else, it does get that horrible 'lying' feeling that you have described off your chest, and sometimes that is the biggest step toward getting your own help: being able to get rid of some of the 'hiding' for both you and them.
The reasons that you describe for talking to your parents, as you might have guessed from the above, are 'the right reasons'. However, so are every other reason that people have come up with. If it is a reason for *you* to need to talk to someone, then generally it is a 'right reason'. The 'how to approach it' might need some assistance, but reasons themselves for a talk with a person are rarely wrong. Obviously it is important to you to open up that spot in your heart, and I think that doing so will help take a lot of weight off your shoulders.
As to the answer of your next question, while I hate to sound like I'm standing on the fence, I feel that you should do it in the way you feel, yourself. If you genuinely feel that you need to be a boy, but that you aren't one at the moment, using the words 'I am a boy' will just feel like a lie to you. However, if you feel that you *are* a boy, and want them to know that, then by all means: tell them that. I agree that being 'too direct too soon' can be a problem, but if you feel that your parents are accepting and you are comfortable with how they will react, bringing it out with the sort of firmness you feel is probably the best way to make them realize it. If, however, you aren't sure and are uncomfortable, maybe try broaching the subject of transgender with a couple more indirect methods and gauge their reactions to it. It may not be a perfect judgment, but at least it can be a start.
I wish you the best of luck! Comments, feedback are welcome, though due to an emergency move, questions will either need to be held back for a time, or directed to another of my colleagues at AllExperts. I hope that things will go well for you, and that you'll forgive the extended time of no answers on this!
