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About Vaughn Gardner
Expertise
I can't think of any questions that I can't answer. However, I've learned over the years that I hardly hold all the answers in the world. So, if questions arise that I can't answer, first I'll check the Net to see if there are any, and then pass it on the questioner, second if I can't find any I'll refer them to someone who can.
Experience
I, myself, am a 51yr old FtM, currently pre-op, who began on my own transgender journey in 2000, so I'm familiar with what brought me to the realization that I was/am transgender and the trials and tribulations that can come along the way
Organizations
APA (American Psychological Association) Undergraduate Student Afiiliate Member
ACA (American Counseling Association) Undergraduate Student Member
I'm a co-founder of the community college PRISM club (People Respecting Individuals and Sexual Minorities); served as one of two Co_Chair positions in 2007.
Education/Credentials
I'm pursuing a degree in psychology (A.A. awarded in 2007, now pursuing my BA - 2009, MA and/or PsyD - a year or two later) and my focus will be with the gay/bisexual/lesbian/trans, particularly in the trans, areas.
Other
I've spoken on college campuses on being transgender as well as every quarter during my time at CC I spoke to the Human Sexuality class as well as the Gender and Society class when it was offered. I am a licensed ULC minister and have served as a high priestess for an online coven prior to my beginning the trans journey. I was a pentecostal for 25yrs before leaving the church and now follow an eclectic Wiccan path.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Transgender/Transsexual > Just a question
Expert: Vaughn Gardner - 9/20/2008
Question
I don't know where else to look or ask this. I recently found out that my boyfriend had an "experience" with a transexual (I believe). He has not told me about it himself. This happened within the past month. The first time and only time so far, I think. I want to ask him about it, but don't know how or if I even should. I am feeling hurt, but not angry (surprising to me). Had it been with a woman, I would have flipped out. But, I can't allow him to continue doing this while we are together. We also live together. We have been dating for 2 years and lived together for over 1 year. Any suggestions on how I can deal with this? Thank you.
Answer
Andrea,
The very best thing I can tell you is that open and honest communication is about the only way any relationship can survive, heal, and continue. I'd recommend finding a neutral place where you will be afforded privacy but that it also hold no special meaning to you as a couple. Once there, gently broach the subject saying what you learned and how. Then use what counselors call "I" statements such as, "When I found out I felt hurt", "While I can understand needing to explore one's sexual curiosity, personally, I am unable to be in a relationship where it's occurring", "I feel disrespected because this kind of need to explore should have been a topic of conversation between us", etc. Do NOT use things like, "You made me feel <insert feeling>", or "You don't care about me otherwise you wouldn't have done this", etc; get the gist? The moment a person, who is already probably feeling guilty, feels like they're under attack, it will take hours to get back to the point where the conversation can be calm and resolutions reasoned out. When trying to come up with a resolution to the situation, make sure that he clearly understands that you have boundaries that need to be honored, i.e. "For my own peace of mind and to feel secure and respected in a relationship, any romantic relationship I'm involved in needs to be monogamous and I need to be able to trust my partner (or lover or boyfriend, or whatever term you wish to use) without reservation".
Considering the fact that you have been together for a fair amount of time and have invested so much emotional energy into the relationship I'd recommend seeing a couples counselor if you mutually agree that you want to stay together. Obviously, there are issues that need to be talked about and explored, and there will be feelings of anger and resentment, eventually, on your part that I suspect will surface. That being the case, having a neutral arbiter/counselor can help you work things out that are mutually beneficial and keep both of you feeling heard and emotionally safe.
I hope that helps and feel free to contact me again.
Vaughn
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