Transgender/Transsexual/transgender dating


Hi Cheryl:

  I don't want this question to come off flippant or insincere but I am wanting to go to a club with gay/lesbian/transgender/transsexual patrons and am interested in meeting the latter two. I was wondering if there is a way to let others know that I am not interested in gay men without having to actually reject guys who might ask me to dance or get acquainted. I have had relations with several men and know that I am not interested in a masculine partner and prefer someone more feminine but still has the male sexual organs. I know years ago the gay community had a "hanky code" and was wondering if something similar to this still existed that I could use to attract the persons I want and dissuade those I don't without being hurtful or rude, again
I am very sincere in my interests and am not tying to satisfy some
odd curiosity I have. I have had many gay/lesbian friends, my two best friends were a gay man and lesbian female (she was very male in appearance). I'm telling you this to let you know that I'm familiar with the gay/lesbian community (to a point) and that I am not just curious but know what I'm looking for in a partner. This has been a very hard question for me to put together and hope you understand my sincerity in it's asking. I would appreciate any light you can shed on this subject and thank you in advance for your help.


I apologize for not responding to you sooner. I was out of town for the weekend, I received your message via my cell-phone but was unable to post an answer until this evening. As a result I've had a bit of time to think over your question and give my reply. In fact when I read your post I was in a boat on the Savannah River visiting that beautiful city.

I've received several messages similar to yours in the past. Some I have chosen to answer and many I have simply ignored and rejected as they seem to be coming from someone who is simply looking to hook up with a "trannie" and have a "quickie". I really hope that is not what you are looking for. If it is, I guarantee you are not going to like my answer to your question. The last thing I would ever want to do is tell someone how to get laid. It seems you have already figured that out on your own. If  that is the case than my job is done.  I suggest you stop reading and just ignore everything I'm about to write. Once again, I guarantee you are not going to like what I'm about to say. However, If you are looking for a relationship or want to get to know a transsexual person than read on.


Good... Your still here..... Warning, sometimes the truth hurts.

Stigma (plural: stigmata) is a word that originally means a "sign", "point", or "branding mark*
  *Wikipedia (Stigma)

During the 1930's and 40's in Nazi Germany, the Jews were forced  to wear the Star of David, Jehovah Whiteness, and other "political prisoners" had to wear yellow triangles, and homosexuals had to wear pink triangles. This was their sign or "stigma". The arm band identified them and determined where they could live, work, shop, and pretty much defined every second of their existence. Once you were determined to be of any un-worthy group, you were issued your sign and it was illegal to take it off in public. If it was discovered you were not wearing your sign or "stigma" you could be arrested and most likely sent to a concentration camp.

So why do I bring this up? What's the point? ... Simple you want to hide your stigma, but stigmatize someone else.  

Let me put it another way. You don't want to be seen as a homosexual, among other homosexuals, but you want to be with a transsexual person who is transitioning to be a female. You seem to want an experience, but are you even bothering to think about what the other person wants? You say you know and have gay friends, and have been active in the gay community. That's fine, but I seriously doubt you know or have ever met a transgender person. If so I don't believe you would have written what you did at least to another transgender person.  It seems you are trying to find a transgender person you can treat the way you do not what a gay man to treat you?

As I said, the truth can hurt. You asked a transgender person for my opinion and you are getting it.

Before I go on, I think you need to understand what "Transgender" is and is not.  

Transgender is not a dude who gets on stage in a wig, dress, and heels and lip syncs to the latest Byonce song.

Transgender is not someone who appears in a porn movie and has female breast and a penis where a vagina should be.

Transgender is not someone who is an easy lay.

Transgender is not a "Chick with a Dick".

Transgender is not a man in a dress.

Transgender is a spectrum. ------ As a rainbow has many colors so does the transgender population have many varieties. No two transgender people are alike. As such there are going to be as many answers to what is transgender as there are transgender people. But everyone who in some ways identifies with the gender opposite of what they were born, are part of the transgender population, regardless of how they identify. You can be a crossdresser, and still be transgender, you can be a under-dresser, (wearing women's underwear under male clothing) and be transgender. You can be a trans-sexual and be transgender. You can be heterosexual, or homosexual. You can be married or single, etc, etc and still be a member of the transgender community.  The one thing that unites all transgender people is the desire to be associated with some aspect of the gender opposite of their birth.

Many people outside of the transgender community see us as a perversion, freaks, ungodly, sinners, sex addicts, fags, dykes, he-shes, she-males, and among some groups a non-person. This is our stigma, and it's one that we cannot easily cast off or cover up. The Transgender community has struggled for years to bring to the public's attention who and what we are and are not. We have only in the past few years been able to make some serious strides in educating the public and showing we are not freaks but people who choose to live our lives differently than what the social norm would suggest we do.

In years past, the gay community had much of the same problem. They would do various things to alert each other as to what they were. These were secret "codes" that those outside the community would not be aware of. (i.e. wearing a colored hanky on the left or right side) Much of this social stigma has been erased and the public is much more accepting of gay and lesbian relationships. This type of progress has taken decades to overcome. Where the gay community was in the 1970's is where the trans community is now. I feel it's going to take many more years before the public begins to see that being trans does not make you some type of weird sex object.

The one thing that every transgender person has in common regardless of how they present themselves and if they choose to transition or not is that their brain is not completely in sync with their body. For some like myself are content to take on the persona of a female from time to time. For others they have to transition and live their lives as a woman. So let me ask you this. Would you approach a genetic woman you just recently met and ask her to just have sex with you?.... I hope not.... A male to female transgender person is a woman who was born with a birth defect. Her body has a single X and single Y chromosome. Other than that her mind, moods, attitude, personality, etc are female. If you want to find a transgender person to be in a relationship you will have to approach them just as if they were any other genetic woman. Just because she may still have a penis instead of a vagina does not make her any less of a woman. She is just as complicated, has the same emotions, needs and desires of any other woman. The last thing she wants to be treated as is a piece of meat.

If you are looking for a true relationship with a transgender person than I would recommend you re-read the post you sent to me but replace any reference to a transgender / transsexual person with that of a genetic woman. Then see if you would want to have that type of relationship or would like to meet that type of woman? You seem to think you can find that type of "trannie".

So if you have gotten this far and you are not enraged at me for writing this than I assume you are truly interested in getting to know us more. This makes you a "Trannie-Chaser" and that not necessarily a bad thing as there are 2 types of trannie-chasers, the gentleman and the trolls. If you want to be a gentleman then treat us like the ladies we are. In fact you will need to be a perfect gentleman. We are used to being approached and propositioned and can see it coming a mile away. The second you let the troll personality come out from under the bridge even if it's just for a second. You will find you will never live that down. The trans community is a very tight nit group and we will protect each other. We have to as no one else will.

I'm going to share with you a personal experience. There is a chat room I visit frequently. (No I'm not listing it here) There is a gentlemen that would post from time to time (I'll call him Jim) In the 5 years I've chatted with him he has never been anything other than kind and respectful. Sometimes he could be a bit flirty, but that was only when the room was in a cheerful mood. A couple years back, I had to make a trip out of state and discovered I was going to be just a few miles away from Jim and another t-girl in the room, (I'll call her Jill). I told them I didn't know the town that well and Jim said he would be happy to show me around and Jill said she would love to meet me as well. I figured this would be a good opportunity for me to get dressed in fem, see a new town and meet some on-line friends in person. I let them know I was looking forward to the three of us just a getting together, having dinner, a little shopping and a fun night out and nothing more. My wife was ok with it as she knows I would never cheat on her plus there was another T-girl there. About two weeks before I was to make the trip, I found out Jill was not going to be able to make it, so it was just Jim and I.  I said that would be fine, but keep in mind this was just to be a get together for friends and nothing more. He said he understood, but that is when things started to get strange. I begin to get e-mails from Jim asking me where I was staying, what I was planning on wearing, where I would like to go, what I like to eat, etc. etc. Then he wanted to know if he would be able to meet with me in private at the end of the night. I told him he could drive me back to the hotel, but he would have to leave me at the door. Then he said that would be ok if he could keep his hand on my knee while he drove. Then he wanted to escort me to my room for a good night kiss. I said I wanted no part of that. Jim said I should let him touch me a little after he paid for a night out. I never asked or assumed he would have paid for anything. This was a person I spoke to for 5 years and never suspected of having any problems with. He was suddenly planning and living out this fantasy date with me before it even happened. His curiosity got the best of him and his troll personality came out. I posted all the e-mails he sent me on the chat room and discovered he had attempted the same thing with a few other girls in the room, but they didn't confront him. He was quickly banned and I haven't heard from him since. if you ever get the reputation of being a troll. Eventually that reputation will catch up and proceed you.

So if you want to meet a transgender person for a real relationship and have more than a one night stand, I would suggest you look on line, find some chat rooms and learn what transgender people like and get to know us as friends first. We are people just like anyone else. Find out where the transgender people are in your area are, where they hang out, etc. Just be friends and most of all be a gentleman. The one thing that will get you rejected faster than anything is coming on to fast. Most of all just be a friend, and accept us as we are. Don't expect anything more or less than what you get. If you do than you will find someone special as I'm sure there is someone looking for someone like you that can be special for them. But if you want to rush it and be a troll, then I hope you like the underside of bridges.

Cheryl H.  


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Cheryl H


I can answer questions regarding male to female cross dressing and related issues. I will not answer any question dealing with pornography. If you are a minor and are asking adult related questions be prepared for me to either reject the question or tell you to ask an adult. Run on questions and that go on and on with various amounts of unrelated details will likely be rejected. I don't have the attention span to read 14 paragraphs crammed in to one about your high school crush before you get to the point. Fantasy and fetish inspired aka (Too good to be true) situations will likely be rejected. I wasn't born yesterday and I've encountered my share of TG fantasy. I can recognize the themes. Fictionmania exist for a reason. I'm a hetro cross dresser, this means I do not date men! I'm happily married with 2 sons. So don't bother asking me for a date... It's not going to happen and I will reject your question.


I am a life long cross dresser (male to female) and have been presenting in public for the past 10 years. I'm a member of Tri-Ess (Society for the Second Self). I've had the opportunity to get to know 100's of transgender people and have worked though and with those that are new to the transgender community. I have assisted many young and new "girls" when venturing out for the first time and worked with their families to help come to terms with many of the issues related to this life style. I am not a doctor or have any type of degree in this field, but I have cross-dreesed my entire life. Who better to ask a question about transgender issues than a transgender person. I am willing to answer any question I can concerning the Transgender lifestyle however there are some areas I will avoid.

Member of Tri-Ess, and Sigma Epsilon. (Society for the Second Self, Atlanta Chapter.)

No formal "education" but I have 40 years of experience being a cross dresser. Who better to speak with than someone who has been there, done that, and has the t-shirt. I'm willing to lend an open ear "and shoulder" when necessary to who ever has the need.

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