Transgender/Transsexual/It seems over


My fiance and I have been together 7 years, are in our mid and early 20's and he just told me he was transitioning. He has been going to therapy weekly for a month now and starts hormones in 2 weeks.

I was not happy in the beginning. But he assured me that he would go at a slower pace for me and we would do this together.

Well now all of a sudden it's all about him. He wants the highest doses allowed, he is ALWAYS talking to a (mtf) girl at his work.. I mean even during dinner and a movie. Anytime we go out it's all about him now and anything offends him.

We agreed to take it slower because I want one last baby,we have a 3 year old but money has never been strong so we were waiting for me to finish school in a few years and get stable. Well that won't happen now, it's now or never..

And before he was totally fine with his "male parts" said he would never get rid of them, well now he wants them gone and is constantly tucking.

I feel like I am being lied to this whole process, like I'm told certain things to keep me here then he goes and changes his mind.. now I'm worried he will leave me for a man or the girl he works with.

And he keeps telling me money is not a issue. But I don't see how this is free, even with insurance. He says it won't cost much, it's fine, we will be fine..

I just don't know what to do. I hate that my only option is to have a baby now or never have one again. And I feel like I'm leaping into a pool and am not sure if I will swim or drown. Because he keeps telling me one thing then does and tells other people another thing and it's bothering me so much

Dear Amber,

You have some options.  If you want to have a baby with your fiancÚ, several visits to the sperm bank should solve that problem.  I'm not sure what it costs to bank sperm, so fiscally it may be out of the question.  I do, however, believe that it's worth exploring given that you want another child, but the timing doesn't seem to be quite right.

Some insurance companies cover reassignment surgery.  I would encourage you to obtain a copy of the policy or benefits, so that you can determine whether there is an exclusion.  Most insurance carriers require some form of pre-authorization.  Some hormones are not covered.  For instance, my testosterone is not covered.  Some guys are.  It may be different with estrogen as its used to "treat" or reduce the symptoms of menopause as opposed to a libido boost.

I've noticed a general impatience with transition. What took time was getting to the point where one will or won't take the plunge.  After so many years of waiting or depriving ourselves of what we want, suddenly time is of the essence.   I've noticed a general tendency to get or be in a rush.

With respect to being told one thing only to have a 180 degree change, one possibility is that what she (if you want to stay you are going to need to get used to using different pronouns)is a stupendous jerk. Another possibility is that the reality of the situation is a far cry from the thought or fantasy of the situation.  In other words, she thought one thing then went down the path to discovery that she needed something else than what she originally thought.  If you feel like you are being lied to, taken for granted, or taken advantage of then do something to protect yourself.  You need to take care of you.

Do you think that counseling might help work through some of the feelings resulting from the messages that you are getting from your partner?

I'm sorry to hear that things are being so problematic.




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Mike Hernandez


I can answer questions that pertain to transition, coming out, dating, surgical options, etc., related to FTMs (female to male) and genderqueer individuals with a masculine gender expression.


I'm FTM who started transition in 1991. I have published articles and have spoken at colleges and universities on being and living as a transgendered individual. I have also presented workshops at a variety of FTM/transgendered conferences including FTM Conference of the Americas (1995-1997), Southern Comfort (late 1990s) Forward Motion (1999), Gender Odyssey (2000, 2004), and Forge (2007). I was one of several organizers of the Forward Motion conference.

Former boardmember of FTM Alliance of Los Angeles, Inc.

"Transgendered Lust " appearing in From the Inside Out: Radical Gender Transformation, FTM and Beyond by Morty Diamond (San Francisco: Manic Press, 2004) A contribution to Bears on Bears by Ron Suresha (San Francisco: Alyson Publications, 2002); "Redemption" appearing in Best Lesbian Erotica, ed. Tristan Taormino (San Francisco: Cleis Press 2001); Best of the Best Lesbian Erotica 2 , ed. Tristan Taormino (San Francisco: Cleis Press 2004); originally appearing in Academy: Tales of the Market Place by Laura Antoniou (New York: Mystic Rose Books, 2000); Appearance in Transmen & FTMS: Identities, Bodies, Genders & Sexualities by Jason Cromwell (University of Illinois Press, 1999); "I Am Neither Man Nor Woman" Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue, ed. Leslie Feinberg (Boston: Beacon Press, 1998); "Holding My Breath Under Water" Looking Queer , ed. Dawn Atkins (Boston: Hayworth Press, 1998); "Boundaries: Gender and Transgenderism," The Second Coming , eds. Pat(rick) Califia and Robin Sweeney (San Francisco: Alyson Publications, 1996); and # "Packing, Passing & Pissing," Dagger , eds. Lily Burana, Roxxie, and Linnea Due (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1994).

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