Transgender/Transsexual/Why wont he just do it!?

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Question
Im gonna try to cram 8 years into here..met my fiance in high school, me 16 him 19, once i hit 20 i got pregnant, he then told me he wanted to be female. There was zero talk of this before.

Couple years go by and uts bothering him so bad he gets a LGBT psych and we start going once a week for 6 months to make sure this was what he wanted. I never wanted it, this wasnt what i signed up for and its not what im in to. But i told him i would be here and would even be his roommate through it all

He takes the meds for 2 months and stops. Throws them all away.
I know its because i wanted to leave. He says if i stay and am unhappy he wont do it and if i leave he still wont do it.

Im at a loss, im afraid this will build and ruin him. That he will hide stuff from me or become overly depressed. He wont go see another dr and keeps telling me he will deal with it on his own

Its very hush hush, he does not like me to speak about any of it. I just dont know what to do, i know this didnt just go away.

Answer
Hi there, Amber!

You're right. It's likely it didn't just go away. However, the thing is, it's not uncommon for people to have a 'crisis of faith', especially when the individual they saw as support turns out to be unsupportive.

What for you is something you are seeing from the outside, you're not able to see from the *inside*. If indeed this individual is a woman, that is not changing who they are: they are the same person you knew before, and everything that you're talking about here suggests that you're not at all comfortable with the whole situation. You said it yourself: "I know it's because I wanted to leave." Saying, "But we can still be friends" sounds to someone who wanted loving support as, "I don't want you around."

This is not 'just because of you'. This is because this is an individual who is going through a huge emotional crisis, and is losing their entire life. This is an individual who needs to come to terms with themselves, and who needs not someone pushing them one way or the other, but loving and supporting them and who they are. Who knows how long they have been in the closet, after all, and how long they had to come to terms with this.

However, here is the issue: you say you aren't interested in them if they are a woman. You can be a supportive friend, but you can't be a supportive relationship, if that is the case. And in the end, it's extremely common that the individual *will* put this sort of thing away in order to not lose that love and relationship, not realizing that 'things can't just go back'. And the individual coming out of the closet thinks 'nothing is going to change' when in fact the person they have just come out to needs their *own* time to come to terms.

As hard as it is, if this is a relationship that is going to end up tearing both sides apart, what you may want to do is encourage them to go to trans-friendly couples therapy with you. Not in order to keep the relationship together if you are determined that you can't stay with them in that way, but in order to have both of you open up, and have them come to an understanding of what they desire in the long run. In the end, *everyone* is going to have to come to terms with this. That includes both you and that includes your present partner. They need to understand what it is that they need, and *you* need to understand what it is they need so that when it comes to it, you can come to understand whether the change in gender on the person can be something that breaks the relationship.

Being their support means that you care, that you love them, and that you have to recognize that incompatibility is incompatibility.... but it is still extremely hurtful to the person. It's as if, after five years, you essentially told this person in their ears that you don't really love the person he is. You love a man that they have been pretending to be for five years. That is extremely hurtful.

Find a couples therapist. This is something *both* of you need help with, in different ways. *You* need help to come to terms with the person you love, the parent of your child, being in the closet for this long. *They* need help coming to terms with the fact that on coming out of the closet, the fact they had been holding the secrets as long as they did made it a self-fulfilling prophesy.

You may also want to take some time and educate your own self. You speak about the therapist for their sake. And yet never once do you speak about going to one for *your* sake. Never once do you say anything about what it is *you* are feeling about it, or what you understand. Only 'I didn't sign up for this'. Well, keep in mind: neither did they.

Transgender/Transsexual

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Trey McGowan

Expertise

I am able to answer questions about transexual and transgender issues of many kinds, but in particular those tilted toward the FTM (Female-To-Male) transgender. I can offer tips for dressing, passing, binding, packing, behavior, and the like for both drag and full lifestyle/gender transition. I may also be able to offer some help with finding local peer groups, should you be interested in peer counseling. Sexuality issues, MTF (male-to-female), and other gender issues can also be touched on and I may be able to help, and for those who may be concerned, I am kink-friendly, and while I recognize that transgender and cross-dressing are two different things, am well aware of how they can intersect.

I am not a professional (I repeat: I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL!) but I can also offer some general peer counseling suggestions and help with finding groups for all branches of gender identification and sexuality. If you are in need of finding a professional, I may be able to find a name in your area to help.

Experience

I am personally FTM transgender, living full-time and accepting of my gender identity. I am nonsurgical, and have no desire to have them done (so am unable to offer personal experience these) though I have been on testosterone as of January 2012. I am well-accepted, well-supported, and have been a support for many individuals through the years.

I have been part of a number of groups, though moving has kept discussions to long distance since then. I am well-studied for a great many years in this area, having begun reading up on it when I first identified and having kept up on it since then. I have no medical credentials in the area of gender counseling but have been part of multiple peer counseling groups and to this day help educate where I can, having not only helped with offering information on the subject to fellow transgender individuals but educated professionals along the way through my personal experience.

Organizations
PFLAG Canada: Sarnia Branch (https://www.pflagcanada.ca/en/region-list-e.php?RegionNo=4)

Publications
The Transgender Project (http://www.thetransgenderproject.com/#!trey-mcgowan) Not writings, but videos. Part of a half-hour episode which will be airing on iChannel and OutTV.

Education/Credentials
I have completed grade school, some high school, and my GED.

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