About Natasha Wallis Expertise If someone is experiencing problems with their gender and wishes to develop coping strategies to move forward, stay still or cope without changing gender, I should be able to provide some help. Also anyone who needs advice on how to pass, transition, have surgeries and live successfully as a woman will get valid sensible advice
Experience I am a postoperative ts woman who has been involved in personal development, motivation, life coaching and mentoring all my life. I have had extensive FFS and SRS surgery and am a senior moderator on some well known support sites. Designed and led "Why me? Am I transsexual" and Employer/employee Diversity Training Workshops.
Publications Msn & Yahoo Support Groups on matters relating to transsexual people.
Education/Credentials BA Biology; Personal Motivation Trainer; Qualified Mediator. Mentor
Awards and Honors Small Business Award Winner 1995
Question Hi! Natasha, I am Becky, i like to crossdress, i like to wear my mum`s clothes everyday, as i feel like a women after wearin them, i have a fantasy to be dressed by a girl. Do u think i shud tell my best friend(who is a girl) about this, she is my very close and best friend. I sometimes feel very lonely. Wat shud i do ?
Answer Hi Becky
There are often many reasons for wanting to tell someone else that you are gender variant and ultimately only you can tell which are relevant to you.
Some of these might be:
1: you are lonely in your closeted environment and need someone else to share your burden.
2: you need to tell a prospective partner that this is part of your being (and believe me it will not go away for your entire life).
3: you might want to use your gender variance to "get off" with someone who you know is positive towards gender variant people.
4: you want to shock someone and pour trouble on yourself because you cannot handle being gender variant and need to be "punished".
5: none of the above and something else - you tell me?
Now, the following article is perhaps the very best introduction to Coming Out you can ever read:
Now, after you have read that, we can look at the consequences of you telling this good friend. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it can never be put back and you can NEVER predict how someone will react. A person you might think is very open minded can be hostile, whilst some folk who seem narrow minded can be supportive.
Sadly, boys wearing girls' clothes is still a bit of a tough one to broach since the general view is that you are some sicko doing it for sexual thrills. Of course we all know that not everyone is a fetishist and some people get comfort from expressing themselves as girls occasionally, even though they might not wish to be female all the time (transvestites). Others really are girls and will in time wish to change their birth gender to female and live full time as women (transsexual).
So where do you fit in the spectrum?
You do not say how old you are?
If under 18, I would advise you to seriously consider whether you could handle the hassle if this friend were to react badly and tell her girl friends and then they tell people at your school or college. We are a marginalised group and as such DO experience prejudice, discrimination, bullying and violence.
I began to tell people of my gender variance at about 20, mainly women and carefully at first. I couldn't handle the feelings I was having alone but whilst none went off and told everybody and so respected my need for confidentiality, few could handle it and I got no support. I restricted my "telling" to girlfriends only and then only when I knew I was going to want to go out with them long term. They were more supportive.
I told my girlfriend 2 days after meeting her and 22 years later, as my wife, we separated because I realised I could no longer cope as a man and had to become a woman forever. She had been fine being with a person we both thought was a transvestite but was uncomfortable with my being a transsexual woman.
So, before you go telling anyone, think out the following and have answers worked out for ancillary questions you will get as a result of the telling:
Why are you wanting to tell this person?
In what way are you gender variant at this time?
What might you say? - it all depends on where on the gender variance scale you are at this time (it can change in time too)
What might this friend say? Has she given hints she is supportive of gender variant folk -
[Note: do not assume someone who is gay or gay-friendly will be trans-friendly either - many gay folk are intensely trans-phobic.]
She will ask if you are gay, want to be a woman, want to have "the op" - they are the 3 most common questions.
If she asks to see pictures of you do NOT direct her to a website. Print a few TASTEFUL ones off and keep them yourself.
Be prepared to lose your friendship over your telling. it might not happen but if you accept it might, then it is easier to cope with if it does.
Only tell your friend in a calm environment and do not sensationalise it. NEVER offer to dress up for her immediately after the telling.
