About Natasha Wallis Expertise If someone is experiencing problems with their gender and wishes to develop coping strategies to move forward, stay still or cope without changing gender, I should be able to provide some help. Also anyone who needs advice on how to pass, transition, have surgeries and live successfully as a woman will get valid sensible advice
Experience I am a postoperative ts woman who has been involved in personal development, motivation, life coaching and mentoring all my life. I have had extensive FFS and SRS surgery and am a senior moderator on some well known support sites. Designed and led "Why me? Am I transsexual" and Employer/employee Diversity Training Workshops.
Publications Msn & Yahoo Support Groups on matters relating to transsexual people.
Education/Credentials BA Biology; Personal Motivation Trainer; Qualified Mediator. Mentor
Awards and Honors Small Business Award Winner 1995
Transgender/Transsexual - What to do!!! Sorry for the long mesage but need some advise, Please.
Expert: Natasha Wallis - 10/16/2007
Question QUESTION: Hi there Natasha this is my first time Im speaking out about this.
I have sort of come to terms with what is going on in my mind and body after many years of almost feeling like the odd one out - I have been doing some seriously long hours of research on the net. I have realized there are more people that feel similar. I am a 36 year male living in South Africa, in brief I was brought up in a split home with a step mom raising me my real mom passed when I was about 3-4 and a Dad who was quite Afrikaans (men are men and all that sort of stuff).
I am not sure why but my tendencies have become stronger lately and I find it very difficult to switch off as I have done in the past I find myself self looking at women staring at the shapes of the eyebrows and how they move and wonder what it must feel like I don’t see women as normal men would with one thing in mind, please note I am not gay at all. I have been doing some serious memory recalling over the last two months and as far back as I can remember I have always felt out of place, I have never really connected to the same sex I do have two very close mates and have always thought there was something wrong with me not normal all ways feeling guilty about my feelings, one of the memories while my mom was alive at about three in age trying on her stockings before climbing into a bath her walking in I don’t remember much after that I think she may have laughed at me, another one a bit later on + - 6 - 7 years old I could not stand the way things looked down there and at night in bed would imagine not having it and imagining putting make up on and being a girl, I always watched my step mom doing her make up before going to work or out. I wanted to do ballet at the age of 9 and could not bring myself to ask my father this would not have gone down well, I played with action men (boys version of I think Barbie) my step mom even made butch clothing for them which I enjoyed. In Junior primary between 9 -10 I could see my self as a girl in the mirror in my room. I am not sure now if it was just my imagination or real I can’t remember if I liked what I saw either in standard thre I was about 11 years old and had my ears peiced but had to remove them Dad instructions I think I still have some the scars left from day.
Then it of died off, when I reach mid high school I remember the need to shave my legs the look of a woman’s shaven legs I just had to have that look and the feeling was incredible, but needed a cover up I managed with “it was part of my commitment to my cycling” it did not go down to well but a good cover up anyway, in Standard 8 I am not sure why I went through my step moms underwear draw and found something I really liked and wore this under my school uniform for some time this was not a sexual thing I just really felt realy comfortable with a sense of joy I can not explain when wearing this - being in a technical high school there was a risk factor to doing this. I did not care about that. I also was question by friends why I have pieced both ears at which time only one ear on a boy was kind of accepted but still extreme in SA but it just felt normal to me I was called all sorts things but handled it ok, I was almost 1.94 meters tall at that stage so I did not realy get messed with. I also could not understand why girls were allowed to grow their hair and we were not what was the difference and why. As soon as I got out of the army I grew my hair for three years I showed them!!.
Later that year in standard 8 I met a girl and we continued a relationship for about 10 years. The next two years in school I never had any of these feelings again to do something female to express myself I did continued my cycling though until the end of high school and the earring holes were kept open by sleeping with stud's in them trying to cover the holes with base make up in the morning to avoid to much attention!!.
My girl friend and I were at one stage living together and I remember convincing her to wax my legs, eye brows and tint my lashes just in the name of female fun I quess at the time but now I don’t think so these were deep bedded needs I was feeling wanting to get out. Wearing some of her underwear and asking in we could be girlfriends lying on the bed together she also agreed to put make up on me - she was pretty open minded - not for long and we eventually broke up not because of these crazy desires I had. These things we did were not sexual it has never been a turn on for me more than it has been somthing I needed to do - I cant explain this.
Once I got over the break up which took 4 years, I got my self a decent job and alot of my time was spent alone not having any kind of feelings or thoughts to be feminine in anyway, I am sure one of the reasons I did not want this to be exposed in a corporate environment. A year later I got really serious about triathlons did very well competing in them again I had a real reason to have no hair on my legs actually and sort of maintained or suppressed the feeling just being comfortable that everybody I knew, kenw about why I had done this and there is a feeling of extreme well being when people accept you. However I had mislead them they thought I had done this because of my sport yes partly the reason but I'm just almost at peace with this. You know I don’t think this feeling or desires or what ever you want to call them ever left me, they just go quite will gaining more momentum.
Anyway recently they have started again slightly about two hears ago and now again, I think it has destroyed my relationship this time I never done anything to make her concerned but I am almost sure she has picked up on my need to be more feminine and when she has slightly brought something up in stead of denying it I almost got excited that she may have figured this out on her own at least I would have someone to discuss this with. Up until now I did not understand what was going on - these feeling, desires, deep needs. The research has helped me understand some in depth things but I feel as if this has only ignited every thing and I am really scared that I will not be able to cover this up anymore and to be very honest I don’t think I want to cover these feelings up any more the way I have been I have living in confused denial then reality hits home. Natasha I am 36 years old I have delt with most of my life is there no otheryway of balancing this and having a normal life as I am or will this get worse over time to a point of no return?
After all that here is my request, please could you give me any kind of advise in trying to get through this in the most same manner. I am sorry for the long letter but I needed to give you some back round and to talk to some one by the way you are the very first person I have ever told these things to.
Thank you for time reading this I hope I have not drained you, you are more than welcome to go and have a sleep before sending me a mail back I do understand really.
Please take care and I look forward hearing from you.
Best wishes
Hugh
ANSWER: Hi Hugh
First of all, please forgive me for not replying sooner - i have been away on holiday.
You are clearly experiencing something that is happening to you which upsets you and you are worried about how things may develop in future.
So the important thing to reassure you is that feelings of gender expression and identity different to your birth sex and assigned gender is totally within the variation of the great human spectrum and you need not worry that you are in any way a freak or abnormal. You are you and have a right to be you.
1: As we approach Middle Age - well lets just say 40 - the mind begins to get you asking:
"What have i done in my life?"
"AM I happy?"
"Was there a time in my past when I really WAS happy and if I had a magic wand would I like to go back to that point?"
I had the same feelings as you at about 6/7 and my desire to express myself as a girl and then a young woman ebbed and flowed until I hit the Wall at the age of 48!!! So it took me some time to realise i was not a tv man but a ts woman.
If I may ask whether there was any recent stimulus which has changed how you now feel about yourself and your body?
Have you have any of the following stress factors occur in your life in the past 12 months or so (click on link) ?
At times of immense stress, we often reflect upon something very personal to us which gives us comfort and in your case as you said in your question, it is expressing your female side.
Only with in depth counselling and/or talk therapy will you really know if the need to be a woman full time and forever is a symptom of stress or the stress is a symptom of a pressing subconscious need for you to be a woman more and more and I would strongly suggest you find yourself a therapist or counsellor close to where you live.
2: Irrespective of whether you are a tv male or a ts woman, gender dysphoria is a genuine condition that can lead to stress, depression and anxiety, can lead to reckless sexual behaviour, alcohol and/or drug abuse, lack of self respect, a heightened feeling of self loathing and anxiety.
You need to realise that it is totally normal for you to express yourself as a woman and not go into a cycle of guilt and self retribution. You have to give yourself permission to be yourself and accept her as a part of you at the moment and respect her for being there for you.
You might find doing the Cogiati Test of some help. It is clearly not an absolute test though it might help to reassure you of your feelings, but trying to deny those feelings is not a good thing at all and it could make matters worse.
3: You did not say whether you have a partner or not? Living alone can lead to loneliness and when on your own depression and fantastic thoughts can race through your mind.
Living a Fantasy Life as a woman at home is totally OK though living one's life in the real world as a transsexual woman is a really big deal and nothing like the fantasy. In reality it is hard - you can lose your partner, your family your job amongst other things. It might help you if you were to keep yourself busy doing something outside the home e.g. for charity or go join a gym. That way, you will learn to get a wider perspective of how you might fit in as a woman.
Join a local tv/ts support group and attend meetings of others who feel like you do. If you are nervous about going as a woman, you one or twice as a guy and then see how you develop.
And also accept that whereas at present you might identify as a TV, there is no guarantee your gender identity and expression might change over time. It is nothing to worry about so long as you are informed and prepared to take responsibility for your actions.
If you wish for more information or have any extra questions, please feel free to ask again.
Hugs
Natasha
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Natasha
Thank you for returning my mail, I hope you had a good break!
Firstly I am sorry for the mixed email, it was the first time I actually spoke about these thoughts / feeling and I tried to get all down in one foul swoop. To answer some of your questions.
1) I have been stressed for some time I have recently started my own business I think the stress is part of the package. - I don’t think that this stress has anything to do with what I am feeling at the moment I have always been like this I have only just realized that I have not accepted in the way you speak about I have always hidden these thoughts and feelings. To be honest before doing some research I have always thought I had some sort of dead persons (female) spirit that would not leave me alone it sounds strange I know.
2)I have taken the stress link you sent me and I feature in the middle I think has more to do with taking a leap of faith and trying to start my business. I will take your advice and try and find someone I could speak too, I would like to find a person who has experience with type disorder.
3) With regards to the condition and stress you have hit the nail on the head I have abused some of the things you mentioned - I think I am in between two types of genders, at times I can push these feeling behind & hind them but there are time I can not - leads to doing things to myself I can not explain recently I find the momentum of the female "spirit" gaining on me it is almost like we have this tug of war going on.
4) I have taken the Cogiati Test and my results that came back were 115 "COGIATI classification THREE, ANDROGYNE. It has given some light but twisted me even more - I know the test only.
5) With regards to living with a partner, she recently moved out so I am alone at the moment but business keeps my mind off things you mentioned I am putting in 8 - 11 hours a day. I have never really been a person who needs to dress up as a women for some thrill these things I have done for me is more of something I need to do - for example I hate body hair I feel unhygienic. I think these are some of the issues my fiancé had please understand that is not the sole reason we decided to split up but I am sure it has played on her mind. She has recently called a bit of a freak because of what I like in a nice way though so this is the reason I say it may have played on her.
6) I am trying to find these types of groups which I intend going to I believe it is better to 100% informed than making decisions on the spur of the moment.
Any thank you for your advice, I would appreciate it if you could forward some more light on my answers to your questions.
I appreciate your time and advice.
Many Thanks
Hugh
Answer Hugh
Thank you for following through my last message and clarifying a few points and your experiences do have a certain resonance with my own if that helps.
I went through a fairly turbulent time in 1992 when I was having problems fitting in with work - I was a sales and marketing manager - and I left full time employment to set up my own business. My wife was very supportive and I began to grow my hair and dress highly androgyne or even feminine at home during the day "because I could do".
Looking back in my life I made a number of half hearted decisions to be "more female" on my life , 1980, 1988, 1992, 1995 and I finally bit the bullet and decided to transition in 2002. In the intervening period the Noise became increasingly intolerable and I felt by 2002 I could no longer exist as a guy. Prior to 2002 I could always sort of manage by thinking I was a sort of transvestite even though I did not get the same thrills from being me that TVs did, nor did I relate to them, knowing their inherent subconscious self was male. I shared your aversion to body hair.
Being a woman as you rightly say is not defined by how you dress but something inside that craves Acceptance within and externally recognition that you are a woman by those you meet. I am 99.9% stealth is my life now and, like most women, I so very rarely ever wear high heels, dresses and skirts.
You describe a tug of war going in in your mind between "her" (you did not give her a name) and "him" and this belies a duality of purpose but since you see these are opposing forces it is causing you distress.
Perhaps you can try to accept both facets of yourself as valid and deserving of equal acceptance for the time being. I would imagine "she" has skills that you use in your everyday life you could not manage without and likewise when or if you transition, some of "his" skills will come in handy too. This way you begin to accept how you are and let time determine where you need to be without having to fight any more.
Many people in gender conflict go through a period where there is ambivalence and uncertainty and wish for there to be a third gender though in society there is only the gender binary recognised. It is a bit like when you were growing up , one part of you wanted to be an adult whilst another wished you could still be a kid without worries and responsibilities. Eventually over time you allowed yourself to be the adult - and so did I but it doesn't stop me be very childlike with my 2 young kids lol.
I lived from the age of about 6 to 48 living in denial, denying myself the right to let my mind be the sex it should have been and it eventually became torture. Once i decided I had no choice, the depression it had caused eased and the Noise dissipated.
I cannot warrant the same will be for you of course but it requires a great deal of strength and will involve terrible heartache. But would I do it all again knowing everything? Yep - though I might have done one or two things differently with hindsight.
I cannot tell you that you are a person "going through a phase" brought on by work and personal stress, that you are "just" a transvestite, a transsexual woman "in waiting" or someone suffering from a false positive condition that can mimic Gender Dysphoria, but a trained counsellor or a therapist should help you to find out more about yourself since this condition is one of only a few which can only really be diagnosed by the person experiencing the confusion.
I have no idea even where in the world you are but these few sites might give you a few more answers:
