About Natasha Wallis Expertise If someone is experiencing problems with their gender and wishes to develop coping strategies to move forward, stay still or cope without changing gender, I should be able to provide some help. Also anyone who needs advice on how to pass, transition, have surgeries and live successfully as a woman will get valid sensible advice
Experience I am a postoperative ts woman who has been involved in personal development, motivation, life coaching and mentoring all my life. I have had extensive FFS and SRS surgery and am a senior moderator on some well known support sites. Designed and led "Why me? Am I transsexual" and Employer/employee Diversity Training Workshops.
Publications Msn & Yahoo Support Groups on matters relating to transsexual people.
Education/Credentials BA Biology; Personal Motivation Trainer; Qualified Mediator. Mentor
Awards and Honors Small Business Award Winner 1995
Question QUESTION: i think im a girl, ive come out as gay but sometimes when im the only one at home i crossdress, i sometimes refer to myself as kim in my head, sometimes i feel like i should be a girl, but im not completly sure, i just need help figuring this out, i need someone to talk to
ANSWER: Hi Joe
There are many happy gay guys who cross dress and express themselves as female from time to time and this is particularly so when you are young.
You do not say how old you are by the way, which would help a little.
So, you say you think you might actually be a straight girl and not a gay man? Well, it might help you to know that very few transsexual women transition for sex. 90 of all TS women lived with or fancied women pre-transition and only 10fancied men (so twice the in the everyday, non-trans population).
Not so much in the West but very prevalent in the East, gay men try to rationalise their sexual orientation needs by assuming that if they fancy men then to "fit in" with society then they must be female. Strangely there is no correlation in the West for that belief and it is not substantiated by research.
Indeed, your chances of attracting a man as a post operative ts woman are substantially less than the opportunities for a gay man. TS women are not attractive to gay men, yet straight men freak out when you disclose details of your past.
So with that out of the way, why do you want to become a woman?
The only reason you transition from male to female is that you cannot cope any longer with being referred to as a man and people using male pronouns when talking about you, and you need to be seen as and referred to as a woman. In time that might also encompass surgery to change your body to look and BE female.
Quite early on this will involve the taking of female hormones to change your body chemistry, soften the skin and help you develop breasts. Hormone therapy will remove your libido, make you sterile and reduce your upper body mass considerably so you would have to wave goodbye to a male image.
Also, whilst it all might seem terribly appealing as fantasy, the majority of transsexual women face daily harassment and discrimination at work and in their everyday lives. Their ability to win and keep a lover of either sex is substantially reduced unless you are willing and able to spend a great deal of time and money looking and sounding perfect.
When you are "cross dressing" in private do you masturbate to a fantasy image of you being a woman? Most ts women find it impossible after about 6 months on hormones to get erections and find that using their penis for sexual purposes is detestable.
If you have a boyfriend, have you discussed it with him? Gay men go for men remember and the chance of you staying with a gay man through transition is actually less than with a female wife or girlfriend. The latter manage to cope just 3 of all cases.
How will your parents, siblings, friends and work colleagues say when you tell them you are a girl? If it helps, most will be understanding but some will not be and you do not do this with your eyes closed. You need to accept that you COULD lose all your family and friends as a worse-case scenario.
Many transvestites do not realise how fortunate they are about their core identity remaining male but with an occasional need to dress up as a woman. Clubs and social meetings exist where they can express their needs in a safe environment and they have no need to tell their parents, brothers and sisters, friends or work because it is "just a hobby".
Being a ts woman is not a hobby, it is 24 hours every day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year forever.
Now, that might have frightened you a little, but those who have no choice can go on to lead far more fulfilled lives as women and not have that incessant "noise" going on in their heads telling them something is wrong with their gender.
I have no idea where in the world you are, and perhaps you could tell me by reply so I could direct you to an appropriate therapist or counsellor local to you?
As a starting point though do three things:
1: RESEARCH the subject in detail and start off with these links:
2: DO A TEST: You can also do the fun to do COGIATI test which can help, but is not overly accurate, to determine where on the gender scale you really are at present:
One thing I suggest you do NOT do is tell ANY Significant Other of these feelings without first discussing things with a therapist or counsellor for some time. Once the genie is out of the bottle it cannot be put back inside and you will have to live with all the consequences. So avoid anything that cannot be reversed.
3: GET EXPERIENCE: Why not see how you fit emotionally by spending some time away from home being the girl you think you might be - not going to gay friendly places but doing everything ordinary girls do, like shopping for groceries and hanging out in the mall. You might soon learn how tricky it is to pass well as a girl and how easy it is to stand out as "not quite right".
There is nothing disgraceful about having fantasies about being a woman and it is thought that up to 50 of all men have at some point cross dressed. Why not take in your oars metaphorically and give vent to this woman you think you might be, starting with an appropriate girl's name.
JUST REMEMBER: Gender issues have no relevance to sensuality however and yet many young men mistake their gay side as wanting to be a woman whereas most gay guys are into men looking like men.
Some of the above will give you serious food for thought. By all means feel free to ask more questions and tell me to what extent you currently "cross dress".
I look forward to hearing from you.
Hugs
Natasha
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QUESTION: alright well my friends are very open minded[but my parents think im straight] so if i am a girl they probably wouldnt care, im also 15 and live in plymouth,MA[which isnt as gay friendly as people think] so could you help me find a place for theropy like you mentiond
Answer Hi again Kim
When I was 15 I was totally messed up and did not know what I was or who I fancied, UI had a crush on my best friend, a boy so at one time I thought I was gay but over time i knew I loved women and eventually I became one but it took a long time to work it out.
When we are going through puberty everyone gets confused and you might be surprised that of the kids that present to gender therapists only 1/3 go on to transitioning into the gender opposite to their birth assigned gender.
Have you always had a need to express a feminine side? From what age? Can I ask how long you have felt like this?
How do you view your body - happy with its shape or ashamed to look at it?
Are you doing anything to make your need to be female more visible e.g. shaving your body, plucking your eyebrows, growing your nails and hair?
How do you get on with your peers, boys and girls? Do you have a specific girl friend who you can confide in?
At 15, you do appreciate that you will probably need your parents' support to get therapy so if you can build up the confidence to be able to tell your mom for example then that might be a start. Ask her to assure you of confidentiality and not tell your dad at present unless you have 2 great parents that love you and trust you.
Watch this youtube movie - Transgender Children- Out Of The Shadows. If it brings you to tears and inspires you, then you are on your way.
Now, I am in the UK so my knowledge of USA geography is terrible, so I will give you a link to a page on a great site that has gender therapists in MA but quite how close they are only you can tell.
Now a word of warning. Your parents will probably dismiss your feelings "as a phase" and though it might be, it might not and it is so easy for parents to be dismissive, so you will need to be strong to emphasise why you need some talk therapy at the very least. They might suggest you go to see your family doctor and s/he might be equally dismissive and TOTALLY ignorant about transsexual people - mine was for sure ! Then they might take you to an psych or a therapist who does not have any experience of Gender Dysphoria - the condition transsexual people have about their bodies and minds.
Worst of all, if you parents are evangelical christians they might speak to their pastor and you could end up being mentally and physically abused at the hands of these disgraceful Reparative Ministries who are more visible in seeking to use faith based shaming and prayer to stop one being gay or transsexual. There is no evidence that this works and loads of evidence that it is abusive and likely to make the individual self loathing and suicidal.
