AboutSusan M. Heim Expertise As the author of two books on raising twins and multiples, as well as a mother of four -- including two teenagers and preschool-aged twins -- I am qualified to answer any questions relating to the raising of twins and multiples, from birth through the teen years.
Experience I am the author of "It's Twins! Parent-to-Parent Advice from Infancy Through Adolescence" and "Twice the Love: Stories of Inspiration for Families with Twins, Multiples and Singletons." I write a regular column for Mommies Magazine called "Loving and Living with Twins and Multiples." I also write a blog called "Susan Heim on Parenting." I've published articles in TWINS Magazine, as well as many other publications. I'm also the mother of twins and two other children.
Organizations National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs; Florida Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs; National Association of Women Writers; Southeastern Writers Association; Small Publishers Association of North America (SPAN)
Education/Credentials I have a bachelor's degree in Business Administration.
Awards and Honors My book, "Oh, Baby! 7 Ways a Baby Will Change Your Life the First Year" is a winner of the 2006 Parent to Parent Adding Wisdom Award, the only award program to ever be honored by Disney.com, as well as the winner of a 2007 iParenting Media Award.
Expert: Susan M. Heim Date: 6/19/2008 Subject: Two Year Twin jealousy and tantrums
Question Our single-mom daughter is experiencing serious tantrums and jealousy between her twin 2-year-old daughters, so much so that she is having more anxiety than she can handle. Please advise what type of creative methods can be utilized to quell the tantrums and anxieties of both children and mom. We try to help as we can, but the worst of the problems are happening most often when we are not around to help her (although we've been starting to experience the problem ourselves when we watch them). Your suggestions will be appreciated so we can help them all cope with these issues. Thank you!
Answer Dear Kris,
With all the parents of twins that I've talked to, and on all the message boards I've read, this problem comes up time and time again. Jealousy is extremely common between twins. After all, they spend almost all their time together and always have to share everything. So, it's understandable that there's some resentment there. And the problem is probably magnified with a single mother because both girls want the one parent's attention. To top it off, two-year-olds haven't quite gained the maturity yet to express their frustrations without throwing tantrums. One thing that parents said over and over again was that this is a tough problem to solve, but that it does eventually get better if you can survive this stage! (Sometimes, just knowing you're not alone and it's not your fault helps.) This is a prime time for your daughter to really work on getting them to 1) share, and 2) take turns. One of the ways I did this with my twins (now 4) was with a timer. When one twin got the coveted toy or mom's lap or book, we set a timer for five or ten minutes, and when the timer went off, the item (or lap!) had to be immediately handed off to the other child. Then, the timer was reset and the process was repeated. This tended to pacify the waiting child because he knew that he was definitely going to get the item soon, and they also enjoyed watching the timer and waiting for it to chime. Another thing that parents suggested was to do your best to give the twins some one-on-one time. Of course, this is more difficult for a single parent, but perhaps you can help out with this while you're there by taking one twin off with you somewhere while the other spends time with Mom, and then switching off. Finally, some parents pointed out that because twins are so often forced to share everything, this can build resentment. Therefore, it can be helpful to identify certain items as belonging to each child, which they don't have to share. Instead of having a box of dolls for both of them, for example, make sure they each have a doll of their own that belongs exclusively to each of them. If they are allowed to pick out the doll (or other toy) themselves, they're less likely to fight over them. If you show up with two items without consulting them first, they always want the same one! I know that this stage can be an extremely difficult thing to cope with for a single parent as I was also a single parent to two children for 9 years. Hopefully, your daughter has some opportunities to get some time to herself and recharge her batteries. Sometimes, just getting a little peace, away from the fighting, can help build up more patience since you can never get rid of the jealousy and tantrums entirely.
