Expert: Susan M. Heim - 8/3/2009

Question
Hi I have twin boys 30 months old and im at a loss what to do. One of the twins is very calm chilled out, likes reading, cuddles, eats everything, and in general is a very good boy. My other twin boy is a completely different story, he is loud, aggressive, disobedient, distructive,doesn't do anything he's asked to do, hits his brothers (i have a 4yr old too) and only plays with things hes not supposed to. I am constantly telling him off, shouting at him and putting him on the time out cushion and it makes no difference to his behaviour, he will say sorry for his action but within minutes i will be telling him off for the next thing. I have been making a conscious effort to use positive praise where ever i can but it doesn't seem to change anything. My husband is very strict and so he does listen to him but i think its more fear than respect as my husband has a very powerful voice! Is there anything you can suggest i feel so horrible constantly shouting at him but cant think of anything else to try?
Sally McLachlan

Answer
Dear Sally,
My fraternal boys are opposites, too, and this is very common. Like any children, they are born with different temperaments, and it sounds like your one son has a more difficult temperament than the others. When he is older, these characteristics of independence and assertiveness might serve him well (and sometimes it’s helpful to remind ourselves of this in order to cope!), but at this age it can be very difficult to handle. I also have a household of boys (4 of them), and I know how chaotic it can be because boys are just generally more active and competitive with each other. It sounds counter-intuitive, but one thing your “difficult” son might benefit from is more individual attention. Some children act out in an attempt to gain attention, even negative attention. If you or your husband is going to the store, you might consider taking just the one son so that he has some one-on-one time with you. This is also a good time to reassure him that you love him; you just don’t love his behavior. And that you want to help him to be able to control himself. Never compare his behavior to that of his brothers. Just talk to him about his own. Continue with the positive praise whenever you “catch” him doing good. You could also try some kind of reward system for good behavior. Consider reading some books on handling children with challenging temperaments. They may have more tips you can try for helping your son with his behavior. Make sure he’s getting lots of play time, too. Some children, especially boys, really need some unstructured time just to burn off some energy and explore. Plenty of trips to the park or play in the yard can be helpful.

Warm wishes,
Susan Heim
www.twinstalk.com