Expert: Susan M. Heim - 8/2/2009

Question
Hi.. I have a 13 months old twin boys, they are fraternal twins. a lot of times they play together and i enjoy listening to their laughs together! but i have a problem with one of them, he's always hitting and pushing his brother to fall on the floor, and the second doesn't defend him self in anyway he just cries.. i don't know how to deal with it, i tried saying NO but he doesn't understand yet! he goes and pushes him more after i talk to him!
thank you for you help..

Answer
Hi Dana,
This is very common behavior for children this age, especially boys. They don’t know how to appropriately handle their frustrations with each other and therefore lash out. My twin boys often bit and pinched each other at that age. It's also common to have a more "dominant" twin who tends to push his brother around. There are a couple of things you can do:

Try to anticipate when a blow-up might occur and quickly separate them or divert them. If you hear signs of them starting to get rowdy, intervene before it reaches the critical stage.

Encourage separate activities. Have one color while the other plays with blocks, and then have them switch after a while. If you or your spouse is running an errand, take one of the children while the other stays home. One-on-one parental attention is important for twins, who often get tired of each other’s company.

Show them alternative behaviors. We had a saying in our house: “Hugs not hits.” Model how to give each other hugs and share toys. Playact scenes with them where you practice sharing things and resolving conflicts.

Praise them for good behavior. “I see that you are playing so nicely together. That makes Mommy happy and earns you a treat!”

Change the scenery. If you’ve been in the house for a long time and the twins are getting on each other’s nerves, go outside (if the weather’s appropriate) to help them burn off some energy.

Also, your non-assertive twin may surprise you when he gets older and start defending himself! But you'll still want to practice the tips above to avoid a full-blown conflict.

Warm wishes,
Susan Heim
www.twinstalk.com