UK Relationships/I can't make any friends and my bfs are always leaving me. Why? PLS help!
QUESTION: I don't know what's wrong with me but I've always had this problem... I have no friends. I like being among people, talking to them, laughing but it always ends in the same way: no one wants to be friends with me, well, at least not close friends.
I am trying to be positive when I talk to people, smile, have an interesting conversation, etc. I have a lot of interests so I don't think it's because I'm boring or depressive but that doesn't seem to work for me at all. Every time I'm meeting a completely new people I hope that since they don't know me I finally might be able to start fresh and they will like me and want to be my friends but they never do.
I had boyfriends but they were always leaving me after some time and never ever stayed in touch. They all hurt me so much before finally leaving. I always feel emotionally drained after my break-ups. My last bf has just left me and I'm so sad, don't know how to survive it... it hurts so much and I miss him a lot! We have birthday on the same day and we were planning to have a party together but now it looks like I will spend it alone, no bf, no friends to celebrate it with :-( ...and no, my family doesn't live close to me.
What is wrong with me? I don't want to be alone any longer! I want to have friends but now don't even know where to looks for them. Everyone seems to already have their own friends and don't need new ones, at least not me. What do I do wrong?
ANSWER: Hi Monica
Sorry its taken me a while to answer you, I have had various commitments offline.
First let me say, there is nothing wrong with you.
You're articulate and you're intelligent and its not that people dont want to be friends with you.
Monica , I'm 42 years old and married and I can count on 1 hand the number of good friends I have in my life. And none of them live in the city that I live in. I have accquaintances yes, and people that I am happy to hang out with , but true friends. No, none, not here.
And thats not that unusual, particularly for people who have moved away from their home town and family. If you watch the popular media everyone is hanging around with bosom buddies within months of settling in somewhere but thats not the case.
However, it sounds like your concerns go deeper than that. You feel not just that you dont have friends but that you cant make friends - thats not true. Everyone can make friends, the trick though is to not go into situations looking for friendship. Friendship is an evolution, not an outcome.
The secret Monica is within you. You need to relax and not worry about trying to impress people or interest them or show them how much you're "friend material", just go out and be Monica, and by doing so some people will not want to spend time with you , and some will. Just like everyone else.
Join clubs, take up hobbies, do things that you want to do, but do it for you, not for other people.
And as for your birthday, if your family dont live close, get on a bus on train and go and see them . I've spent some birthday's and some Christmases by myself and while its not the end of the world neither is it much fun , so go and see them. They'll be delighted you did.
So please, relax on the friendship thing, be yourself, do things you enjoy and friendship will be there before you know it.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Steve!
Thank you so much for your answer, I found it really helpful.
I took your advice to my heart and I went out for a meet up organised by one if the social clubs and I meet there some interesting people. One of the girls even invited my ice-skating, which was a really nice feelin, and soon we're going to the cinema with her and her friends. I'm really happy, especially that it is her who keeps inviting me to different things, so it looks like I found someone who wants to spend some time with me ;)
However, you were also right about my issues being of a deeper nature. I have always felt so lonely, misunderstood and rejected. Not sure where it comes from, apart from the fact that I'va had it since my early childhood. Since your answer was so helpful, would you mind giving me some advice on another, yet so related subject?
It's about relationships... A guy left me and is back with his ex, I feel so used and worthless! Pls help!
I met this guy when he was still with his ex. They used to live together but he moved out. We started to chat a lot and he said that he had been thinking about breaking up with her for over a year but just couldn't do it so far. We started to talk a lot. A week after he told me that he broke up with her and that he's finally happy, that it was hard but at the same time it was a good decision.
After a while we started to be together for...3 weeks. Everything was OK but I noticed that he's not over it yet and that he still might have feelings for her. One day I asked him about his plans for Sunday, as I wanted to spend some time with him and he answered: you don't want to know". So I asked him if he's going to see his ex and he said YES.
I was upset but didn't say anything else about that. He was supposed to come back after 2 hours and we wanted to go to the cinema but it took him 7 hours... All that time I was thinking about the whole situation and decided to talk to him, as it hurt me a lot and I wasn't happy anymore seeing that it's not over. I talked to him and I told him to take some time and think about the whole situation and about what he wants... and he did... few days later he told me that I was right and me and him are not together anymore.
I felt devastated but I didn't want any drama. I said OK, I respect your decision. But believe me, I was dying inside! I was suffering for the next 2 weeks, I still am. And today... I came back home and saw him (we are neighbours) with his ex. They were leaving his place...
I couldn't catch a breath at first. I just looked at him and went to my place. It hurts so much that I feel like dying! It hurts because he left me, because he preferred to get back with her, because he told me it was over, because as soon as I gave him some time he left me! He never cared about me at all! He just used me. And it also hurts for other reasons: because none of my boyfriends (I had 3 serious bfs before) ever wanted ME back! They didn't even stay in touch, and to make it even worse, they made all the bad things to me before they left me They never ever wanted to talk to me again, or see me, not to mention getting back together! ... and he was ready to talk to her or see her whenever she contacted him!
It all makes me feel so bad, I feel so worthless. It's horrible to realize once again that no one REALLY cared about me! No one ever wanted to explain anything to me. They just left... and he left me too... and came back to her. I feel so sad and so used. Am I really so horrible that no one can love me?
Looking forward to hearing back from you,
First let me say that its good to hear that you have met some people and are looking forward to spending more time with them. Don't stop there though, keep going out, keep socialising and trying new things and broaden your social circles. Don't become dependent on this new girl for friendship. And remember please that , if she does something but doesn't invite you or if you don't hear from her for a week or two, that doesn't mean that she hates you or has fallen out with you, its just the natural cycle of friendship and one of the reasons that its important to have a varied social life.
Now , getting to the ex boyfriend, you say that he never really cared and that you feel used. Well I don't necessarily agree. The thing is Monica that when it comes to relationships, logic doesn't work. So I very much doubt that he saw you and went into the relationship thinking "aha, here's a victim" . I suspect that , instead, he was unhappy, or thought he was unhappy in a longer term relationship, met someone that he liked and that he felt comfortable with and that helped him make the decision to leave. After a few weeks, as is very common in these situations, he began to doubt his feelings and miss someone with whom he had a lot of shared memories and he decided to go back to her.
Now the thing is that this tells us some things about him; it tells us that perhaps he's a bit weak, maybe a bit impulsive but it doesn't tell us anything about you. Yet somehow you seem determined to believe that it happened because you are somehow flawed or that he was tricking you . I don't think so at all , I think that what happened is both very common and is as a result of natural human behaviour.
Here's the thing Monica, as I write this, and as you read it, all over the world, right now, there are people being left, and there are people doing the leaving, and there are people feeling really bad about it. But that is how relationships, sadly, work. Take me , I am happily married now but I probably had around 10 relationships, some short term, some long , before I met my wife. And in at least half of those previous relationships I was the one who was left. Now Monica, by your logic, if they left me because I was "horrible" then that makes me even more horrible than you because I've been left more times than you......do you see where I'm coming from .....the point that I am trying to make is that people, generally don't leave other people because they are "horrible" or stupid, or ugly or boring because if we were any of those things then they wouldn't have been attracted to us in the first place. No they leave us because they have doubts, or they are confused , or because our personalities don't mesh, but it doesn't mean we're worthless.
Monica, at the heart of this you need to find a way to stop looking for validation in other people. You want a friend to love spending time with you or a boyfriend to stay by you because then that proves to you that you are worth something - that you are wanted. That's wrong Monica. You need to be able to look in the mirror and say " I am worth something because I am".
And no other person, friend, or boyfriend can give you that, you need to find it in yourself.
Have a look here Monica;
and when you're ready make an appointment and go and talk to your GP. Most places in the UK have access to free counseling via the NHS and your GP can refer you.
Counseling does work and has helped a lot of people find confidence in themselves where little existed before , and when you find that confidence you'll find that your personal relationships, both friendly and romantic, will improve too.
Good luck with it.