UK Relationships/Easily swooned.
Help, I am easily swooned!
I just came back from a trip to the US. And like any other international trip I made, I am overwhelmed by the compliments I received from passers-by and people I had meetings with on my looks. Back home I don't feel that attractive. This time around something different happened. A guy that I met in US who was from London (he was also on Business Trip) asked me out. Me being always naive, thinking that people genuinely want to make friends agree to the a night out (my boss had a different idea, he said that the guy just wants to sleep with me). My initial plan was to bring him along to my usual night hang out with my boss at a bar nearby. But that night my boss had another plan so I texted the guy saying I don't have plans and that he could call my colleague if he wants to join them.
He replied asking me if I want to join him instead. He just came back from a game organized by the conference organizer and since I had no plans he asked me to join him at a bar nearby. I didn't know how to say No, so I gave various reasons not to go. To cut the story short, he ended up coming at my hotel at 1.30am! He gave reasons that I would be fun on a night out. When I came down at the lobby, he looked very sleepy and a bit like he had too much drink that night. He was really pushing himself to stay awake and carry a conversation with me. We talked about my religion, music and he complimented me - saying I look very beautiful several times (I was at my melting point after that).At one point he asked something so weird, he wanted to see me dance. Of course I said no. Our conversation ended 30 minutes since both of us have an early meeting the day after. I sent him a text thanking him for stopping by considering his condition. He replied telling me he was delighted to see me and looking forward to a night out that involves dancing with me in the future.
I thought he was sweet and stay in touch via Skype now that we're back home. I may have developed feelings for him and constantly looking at my Skype to see if he's online. We talked on Skype (each time I initiated). How do I stop this? He did asked me if I'll be coming to UK and will let me know if he's coming to where I'm at. Why must I feel all mushy about this. He does not initiate anything, I started to Skype him so far. Please help!
I totally understand why you would be feeling this way - I get it completely.
Sweetie, I'm going to try to explain something to you now that it is unlikely you have heard about before because so few people know about it, but it really is the root cause to why you are easily swooned. Most people who offer advice, only give advice on how to deal with the symptoms - I am going to try and help you understand what the root cause to the symptoms are. Once you understand this, then the solution is totally different. What I am going to tell you is how to get rid of an underlying problem.
The root cause to how you are feeling is due to you having a lack of unconditional love. What ever you believe you know about "love", just for a moment be prepared to suspend your beliefs. The whole world has been sold a lie about what 'love' really is. There are two types of love - unconditional love and conditional love. Every single human being needs Unconditional Love but nearly all of us don't get any. Instead we settle for conditional love, not knowing there is anything better.
Let me give you another analogy. The best racing cars in the world travel at such high speed because they run on high octane top quality fuel. If you fill such a car with normal unleaded fuel you buy from a filling station, the racing car would cough and splutter along and not perform at the highest level. It is the same with humans. We are designed to run on the best top quality love. But no-one realises this and hardly anyone knows where to get top quality love from. So we just go and fill up at the gas station with poor quality love and go around coughing and spluttering, believing it is normal, and not knowing there is anything better. Eventually our engines seize up, because they are not being maintained and run with the right ingredients. We end up with broken hearts after an awful lot of breakdowns.
Now that you know this, you can ask these questions? OK, so what is unconditional love, why is it so important and where can I get it from?
Unconditional love is simply caring for someone else's happiness without wanting anything in return. At this point a lot of people say they do care for others, and this is almost always true. But the bit that we don't get, don't understand and can't see until we are shown is how we usually only care for others IF we are getting something in return.
Let me take you back to your childhood. Did your parents want absolutely nothing from you - nothing at all? Did they expect you to behave all the time, be a good girl. Did they need you to do well at school? Were they ever disappointed with your grades? Did they ever get mad with you if you broke something, brought mud onto the carpet or fought with your brothers or sisters. You see, most parents don't know how to love their kids unconditionally - if you are good and please them - they love you. If you don't please them - they show they don't love you by getting cross, irritated or disappointed. From this we learn a terrible terrible lesson. If I do what other people want I am loveable - if I don't I am not. This is why almost the entire population of the planet has issues with their self-esteem - simply because we grow up fearing that people will be unable to love us unconditionally.
In the absence of unconditional love, we all develop a very deep and long lasting emotional wound which is so painful we will do almost anything to take the pain away. In the absence of unconditional love we will go to any filling station that is open and put in any type of love they have on offer regardless of the damage it is doing to our engine. We call all this collective other fuel as Imitation Love - i.e the wrong type of love imitating the real thing. And in the absence of the real thing, anything is better than nothing if we don't know any different.
In real life, this imitation love comes in four forms - power, praise, pleasure and safety. From your question, I can identify several instances where you are trying to get filled up with Imitation Love. You say you are overwhelmed by compliments from people because of your looks. You are being praised and you absolutely love it. How would you feel if you didn't get compliments. Unfortunately, this types of cycle only leaves you believing that your worth is based on how you look. You see, you say back home you don't feel attractive. How would you like to get into a relationship with someone who you knew, just absolutely knew was going to love you regardless of how you looked for every moment of your life. So, you never needed to dress up, wear make-up. comb your hair - you just knew he would love you for who you are not how you looked?
In a sense, your boss was right. There are many many guys the whole world over who will behave in the most amazing way towards a lady until they have sex together and then it all changes. In other words, he only "loves" you because he is expecting something in return. Most women give this up and the magic has gone, the excitement of the chase is not there, and the guy sadly moves onto the next filling station.
Sweetie, you melt when someone compliments you. I get how intoxicating this is, but it is extremely dangerous for you. It means that a guy can almost hypnotise you to get you to do whatever he wants. There is such an emptiness in you that you believe your value is based on how you look, so you NEED people to compliment you. You are trapped, Sweetie, trapped.
The only way to run your life is on unconditional love.
See if you can understand this. I am unconditionally loving you now. I am spending my time, freely answering your question, I'm caring for your happiness. And I don't want anything from you in return. Do you see that. So, I am loving you. Not a romantic kind of love, not a weird creepy talking with an Internet stranger. I'm not going to turn up at your hotel, drunk at 1am in the morning, hoping that if I pay you enough compliments, then hopefully you will sleep with me - you get it? Just me genuinely caring for your happiness, not wanting you to be any different from who you are right now.
You see, so when you disassociate the word love - from passion, romance or anything else, it can simply be used without confusion to describe a genuinely caring connection between any two human beings. And this is the fuel that we all need to have genuinely happy lives, marriages and relationships with friends, family, co-workers, the postman, anybody etc.
Lisa, as part of caring for you, it also means I would never tell you what to do - that would be presumptuous and unloving. From my experience of finding unconditional love in my own life and then sharing it with many many others, I can suggest things to you - but it is entirely up to you what choices you make - I will still care for you regardless of what you choose.
My best suggestion would be to first of all learn what unconditional love is all about. There is a fabulous book written by a Dr Greg Baer called "Real Love: The truth about finding unconditional love and fulfilling relationships". You can find it on Amazon or his web site www.reallove.com. Once you have learned about the high octane fuel that is missing from your life, you can learn first of all to find sources of it (like me and others I know) and then you can learn to generate it for yourself - but this will be a little way down the line - there is some understanding to be gained first. Once you have more information, you will be able to see how you conduct your relationships with other people. You will also be able to see the desperate emptiness of guys like this one.
Once you know what it is all about, then in order to find genuine love and happiness in a relationship, you will want to be finding a guy who wants to learn to love you unconditionally - one who it doesn't matter what you look like, but a guy who loves you for who you are, not what you do. This guy will also want to learn all about unconditional love.
So, in the mean time, what do you do about this guy? Again, your choice. My suggestion would be this. Send him a Skype message something like this.... Hi [John], I have been seeking some advice about relationships and I have just learn some stuff that I never knew before. What it has taught me is that I am in no way ready to have any sort of relationship with anybody right now - I have got too much to learn. I enjoyed our time together. Good luck. Love Lisa". Then you would delete his contact from Skype address book, so you can't get sucked into any response he might give - you have been perfectly clear and don't need to discuss it any further. Then just wait for the book to arrive to get learning some more.
I hope this makes some sense. Come back to me here any time you like and ask any other question. I can help you and also help you find out where there are other resources to help you on your journey. Good luck