UK Relationships/relationship advice
hi, i am 40 and my partner is 47, we dont live together, i live at home with my mother and 19 year old daughter.my partner i feel is quite controlling but because i dont live with him i can cope with it or at least i thought could. i have no friends as he doesnt like me going out yet he works 4 days a week and i dont see him. he does everything for me, gets my shopping, pays my phone, he would do absolutly anything at all for me, however in return i have to always be happy when im with him, have no issues or troubles and literally be a robot.. last year my daughter was anorexic and i was worried sick he ended the relationship with me because he couldnt deal with the fact i was upset and not enjoying his time off work.. lately i have been feeling down and im starting to go through the menopause i am struggling to be happy around him and im worrying because i know he will not stay with me. i would end the relationship with him but the fact i have no life whatsoever without him scares me. financially he helps me but ive realise now hes been doing all this so i will stay with him no matter what. im so confused. advice would be fantastic as i dont really have anyone i can turn too. thanks in advance x
This sounds like an awful lot of pain and fear too. I totally understand why you would be feeling this way - I get it.
I'm going to try to explain something to you now that it is unlikely you have heard about before because so few people know about it, but it really is the root cause to ALL your pain. Most people who offer advice, only give advice on how to deal with the symptoms - I am going to try and help you understand what the root cause to the symptoms are. Once you understand this, then the solution is totally different. What I am going to tell you is how to get rid of relationship disease forever - not how to put yourself in remission with chemotherapy, just to live in fear of the disease returning sometime in the future. You understand the analogy?
The root cause to all your pain (and your partner's pain) is a lack of 'unconditional love'. What ever you believe you know about "love", just for a moment be prepared to suspend your beliefs. The whole world has been sold a lie about what 'love' really is. There are two types of love - unconditional love and conditional love. Every single human being needs Unconditional Love but nearly all of us don't get any. Instead we settle for conditional love, not knowing there is anything better.
Let me give you another analogy. The best racing cars in the world travel at such high speed because they run on high octane top quality fuel. If you fill such a car with normal unleaded gas you buy from a petrol station, the racing car would cough and splutter along and not perform at the highest level. It is the same with humans. We are designed to run on the best quality love. But no-one realises this and hardly anyone knows where to get top quality love from. So we just go and fill up at the petrol station with poor quality love and go around coughing and spluttering, believing it is normal, and not knowing there is anything better. Eventually our engines seize up, because they are not being maintained and run with the right ingredients. We end up with broken hearts after an awful lot of breakdowns.
You are experiencing one of these breakdowns right now. Unless you start to fill up with top quality love, you are going to continue to have these breakdowns, potentially for the rest of your life. You will end up in a scrapyard (some hospice somewhere) afraid, empty and very very lonely and feeling terribly unloved - most old people do. Doom and gloom - yes. Opportunity and hope - most definitely.
Now that you know this, you can ask these questions? OK, so what is unconditional love, why is it so important and where can I get it from?
Unconditional love is simply caring for someone else's happiness without wanting anything in return. At this point a lot of people say they do care for others, and this is almost always true. But the bit that we don't get, don't understand and can't see until we are shown is how we usually only care for others IF we are getting something in return.
Let me take you back to your childhood. Did your parents want absolutely nothing from you - nothing at all? Did they expect you to behave all the time, be a good girl. Did they need you to do well at school? Were they ever disappointed with your grades? Did they ever get mad with you if you broke something, brought mud onto the carpet or fought with your brothers or sisters. You see, most parents don't know how to love their kids unconditionally - if you are good and please them - they love you. If you don't please them - they show they don't love you by getting cross, irritated or disappointed. From this we learn a terrible terrible lesson. If I do what other people want I am loveable - if I don't I am not. This is why almost the entire population of the planet has issues with their self-esteem - simply because we grow up fearing that people will be unable to love us unconditionally.
In the absence of unconditional love, we all develop a very deep and long lasting emotional wound which is so painful we will do almost anything to take the pain away. In the absence of unconditional love we will go to any old petrol station that is open and put in any type of love they have on offer regardless of the damage it is doing to our engine. We call all this collective other fuel Imitation Love - i.e the wrong type of love imitating the real thing. And in the absence of the real thing, anything is better than nothing if we don't know any different.
In real life, this imitation love comes in four forms - power, praise, pleasure and safety. From your question, I can identify several instances where both you and your partner have been filling up with Imitation Love. Your partner controls you - it gives him a sense of power over you and safety in that he will ten know exactly what you are doing ie what he told you to do. He doing everything for you is also a form of control or power. In return for this you have to be happy and if you're not he will withdraw his love. Do you see how conditional this is? in fact, he is so controlling, he ended the relationship when you were caring for your daughter too. You have said you would end the relationship but you need the safety of it. When you are so needy of someone, you cannot possibly have a healthy relationship. So you see, there are many examples to me to be able to see that you are not running your life on unconditional love and nor is your husband.
The only way to run your life is on unconditional love.
See if you can understand this. I am unconditionally loving you now. I am spending my time, freely answering your question, I'm caring for your happiness. And I don't want anything from you in return. DO you see that. So, I am loving you. Not a romantic kind of love, not a weird creepy talking with an Internet stranger - you get it. Just me genuinely caring for your happiness, not wanting you to be any different from who you are right now.
You see, so when you disassociate the word love - from passion, romance or anything else, it can simply be used without confusion to describe a genuinely caring connection between any two human beings. And this is the fuel that we all need to have genuinely happy lives, marriages and relationships with friends, family, co-workers, anybody etc.
Emma, as part of caring for you, it also means I would never tell you what to do - that would be presumptuous and unloving. From my experience of finding unconditional love in my own life and then sharing it with many many others, I can suggest things to you - but it is entirely up to you what choices you make - I will still care for you regardless of what you choose.
My best suggestion would be to first of all learn what unconditional love is all about. There is a fabulous book written by a Dr Greg Baer called "Real Love: The truth about finding unconditional love and fulfilling relationships". You can find it on this web site Real Love
. Once you have learned about the high octane fuel that is missing from your life, you can learn first of all to find sources of it (like me and others I know) and then you can learn to generate it for yourself - but this will be a little way down the line - there is some understanding to be gained first. Once you have more information, you will be able to see your relationship with your partner much clearer. You will be able to see his emptiness. You can encourage him to start to learn what you are learning. If he does do this, you will actually have a guy that you really want - a guy who is prepared to learn to love you unconditionally. At this point, you have no idea whether he wants to do this or not.
If once you know what it is all about and then find out he doesn't wish to learn to love you, then you will be armed with information that will help you make better choices. You might choose to stay with him, knowing he can't love you and you accept him for who he really is, or you might decide to leave him because you want to spend your life with a guy who is at least prepared to learn how to love you properly. You would then go out and find one - not by jumping in with the first guy who shows you any affection but by slowing getting to know someone totally and completely first and making a pre-requisite of having a relationship that they learn about real unconditional love first.
I hope this makes some sense. Get the book. Come back to me here any time you like and ask any other question. I can help you and also help you find out where there are other resources to help you on your journey. Good luck