UK Relationships/confused


Hello Pete

I am attracted to this guy but he is giving me mixed signals. He's been flirting with me for a while, so I told him I like him and he confirmed that he likes me too. Yesterday, we spent the day together, then he explained his ex broke up with him unexpectedly 5 months ago and was not ready for a relationship. I told him I was not looking for a relationship at the moment, because I was busy with my studies and didn't want any distractions. Even though I told him so, he sent me a message later that day saying:

"I do like you, we have a lot of things in common and I find you very attractive, my problem comes down to ethics and whether I believe it's right to continue onwards with no intention of a relationship. you are very good looking, but you're also very nice and I just don't want to hurt you just in case you become more attached to me than what I would reciprocate."

I don't understand whether in reality he's afraid to be hurt again or he does not feel the connection and tried to say he does not want to see me again politely.

What did he mean, I'm so confused.

Hi Niki,

I understand your confusion in this situation and it is understandable.

To answer your question fully, I want to talk about you first, if that's OK. Niki - what would you want from a relationship with a man? Are you looking for a guy that's smart, good looking, funny, cool, dresses well? Are you hoping that when you go out with someone, that he will be "the one" and he will whisk you off to a paradise island where you will live in bliss bringing up a small family of children? Have you even thought about it?

I can tell you what you really want from a relationship, and in fact it's what all humans "need" from any relationship - it is to feel genuinely cared for by their partner to the exclusion of all else. The trouble is that there are very few guys out there who will automatically be able to do this without learning a whole bunch of stuff first.

You don't want to "fall in love" with someone, because as someone who has made this mistake many many times, I can tell you the one thing that ALWAYS follows falling in love, is falling out of love.

You see, in order to be able to care for someone (or love them) to the exclusion of all else, it means that we can't be in the least bit selfish. In my experience, there is less than 2% of the entire population who is capable of not being selfish, which means that you are going to have to go out with at least 100 guys before you can decide which one is the least selfish. You might be lucky, this guy might be OK, but judging by the extraordinary pain we have to go through with dating and breaking up, and then marrying the wrong person only to suffer the pain of divorce, human beings really need to start to learn a whole lot more about how to choose the right partner and how to have successful relationships.

You are in a perfect position to learn. You are studying anyway. You are not ready for a relationship. You are young and with your whole life ahead of you - why not take the time now to learn what it takes to have a successful relationship and how you can make sure you pick the right guy?

So I'll explain a little bit more. A successful relationship is one where both partners learn how to care for the other one's happiness without wanting anything in return - this is called unconditional love. This might seem obvious but the truth is virtually all of the love we have ever received has been conditional love - in other words, you were loved, but the person wanted something in return.

Take your parents for example - they love you right? Well kind of but I bet it's mostly conditional love and not true unconditional love. Did they ever get cross or angry with you if you misbehaved, or broke something or came home late, or went out wearing a skirt that was too short, or didn't do well in school? In which case, they didn't love you unconditionally. They needed you to be a certain way or else they didn't love you. If you behaved a certain way, they did. In other words they wanted something back from the way you behaved because it made them feel peaceful and not "stressed out by the kids". So you had to conform.

It is the same in most relationships. Will your partner be able to care for you when you get irritated, sick, afraid or make silly mistakes. To start with they say they will, but the truth is, whenever you stop giving them what they need, it makes them even more and more selfish, and they start really caring for you less and less and less. And that is why over 50% of all marriages in this country end in divorce.

So my suggestion to you is this. There is a most fantastic book called "Real Love in Dating: The Truth about Finding the Perfect Partner". It's written by Dr Greg Baer and you can buy it from this website here. Real Love in Dating
In here it will explain to you all about unconditional love which is what all successful relationships need to be built on. It will also help you learn how to find a guy who will be prepared to learn all about unconditional love so that if you end up together forever, he will truly care for in the way that you need.

Buy the book, read it avidly and come back to me here any time you like to ask further questions on what you are learning.

In the mean time with this guy, I'm not going to tell you what to do, it is entirely your choice, but I suggest that you don't want to be going near anybody you have no idea whether they can truly care for you or not, which you won't know until you read the book. So I would simply stick to your decision that you are not ready for a relationship yet - and just respond with a kind text like this. "Thank you for your concerns. As I said, I am nowhere near ready for a relationship so it's all cool."

And then just don't respond to his flirting, don't agree to spend time alone with him where there could be any confusion caused in you or him, and if you see him around, just be friendly as if he were your favourite cousin or something. You need to learn what's hidden behind his and every other mans fašade. Most of them have a huge need that they will expect you to fill and when you don't or can't it will all turn sour. Learn how to find a man who doesn't have that need, or at least one who is prepared to admit to and recognise that need and commit to do something to get rid of it.

Hope this makes sense
Take care

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Pete Uglow


Marriage, relationship, divorce, infidelity, cheating, surviving an affair, individual counselling, couples counselling, coaching, life-coaching, parenting.


Together with my wife Nikki, I run Real Love UK, the only fully certified Real Love coaching organisation outside the US - also the only Real Love coaching organisation anywhere in the world that specialises in healing the pain of marital infidelity and relationship breakdown - anger, addictions, depression, break down of trust, lack of intimacy - in fact any relationship issue.

10 Steps to Help Your Marriage Survive an Affair - An Introduction to the Amazing Power of Real Love. (Nov 2012)

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