UK Relationships/X-GF Issue
QUESTION: Hi Pete,
I thought to ask this question to an expert. I will keep the story short. I am from India. I had a girlfriend few years back and we were in a relationship, very strongly connected. Due to unforseen circumstances, we separated and it was quiet a bitter breakup. We parted ways. She was quiet dipressed even after one year of our breakup. Later she did move on, started her own company and gotten happy. I was busy in my life also since last three years but i did miss her a few times. She had been a great support in my tough times specially when my mom passed away. After three years, i sent her a thank you note and a small gift. Her elder sister received my courier and i suppose she got the gift as well. I thought she will revert back atleast by abusing, why did i send her any gift at all. Why did i? The response was very silent. Nothing happened. She kept silent, no thankyou and no sms. Nothing at all. What does it mean? Does it mean, i got no value any more or what? Any ideas. I genuinely feel i did wrong at times but i sent with very pure intentions. Any ideas?
ANSWER: Hi Nikhil,
The only thing a human being needs (apart from air, water and food) is to feel genuinely cared for. And the only way to genuinely care for someone is to care for them WITHOUT wanting anything in return for ourselves. This is the bit that most humans have no clue how to do and have no idea that they are not doing it.
Whenever we do something for someone else and want something back - they feel it. They really feel the selfishness of what we are doing. They might not be able to describe it or articulate it, but they will certainly feel it.
So, you were with this girl and you haven't been for at least three years. And you have sent her a gift and a thank you note. On the face of it, that was very kind. But you have gone on to explain that even though you sent her a gift, actually you wanted something in return - you wanted an acknowledgement, you wanted a thank you back, you wanted a text, you wanted to know that she had received it, you wanted her to think you were a nice person for sending it, which would make YOU feel better. And because she hasn't done any of these - you feel worse. Do you see how YOU wanted something in return here, so the truth is that you are not actually genuinely caring for HER happiness.
And the thing is that she will intuitively know this too - which will be part of why she hasn't responded. It says absolutely nothing about YOUR value. It was not wrong to send it, but as I have explained, the truth is that your intentions were not actually as pure as you thought they were. Now, I'm not criticising you or judging you when I say this - I am simply explaining what is actually going on here so that you can learn something new.
You can learn something about sending gifts. If it is to be a genuine "gift" where you are caring about them and not you, you will send a gift and forget that you sent it. You will not need to know it has arrived. You will not need to know that they like it, you will not need them to thank you and think you are kind for sending it - you will not need any of those things. You will simply be caring for them - and if they don't like it, then that says absolutely nothing about you.
In terms of doing this again in the future, one other thing you could deduce from the lack of response is that she doesn't wish to be in contact with you any longer. Again that is entirely her choice and says nothing whatsoever about you. You are still a good person - and she gets to choose who she is in contact with or not to.
See if you can move on - hope in your heart that she finds the happiness she deserves and you move on and find the happiness you deserve too.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Pete,
Thanks for such a detailed response. May be you are correct. We are humans actually. I was not expecting kind of reply and all, as i was thinking she will reject it plainly and will throw it over my face. That didn't happen, that was astonishing.
Well Pete, i don't know whome she chooses to be with. I frankly don't care but i do care for the support she gave me in my worst times. I somewhere feel a person due to my ups and downs in life got hurt who once genuinely cared for me. I do consider her still a part of my family. I don't know whether we will be ever able to speak again, but i just want to let her know i genuinely cared for her. If that's a choice that she doesn't want to be with me, but can i send her seasonal greeings and forget about it?
Does that lower my self esteem? I would never wish that she speaks to me and even a thought arises in my mind, i will crush it. I don't want anything, what i want is her happiness and safety.
My answers are based on my knowledge of something called Unconditional Love. It is something that most of the world know nothing about but ALL of us need to. If you are interested in learning more yourself, you can buy a book called 'Real Love: The Truth about Finding Uncondtional Love and Fulfilling Relationships' - it is by Dr Greg Baer. It is absolutely awesome and it is my guidebook on how to live my day to day life and how to interact with anybody and everybody, my wife, my children, my family, my friends, my colleagues, everybody. He's actually written a whole series of books - this is the first one that will get you started.
You are clearly grateful to her for a time in the past when she supported you and you regret that she got hurt. But do you see again how you are looking at this from your point of view and not from hers. If you genuinely care about her you will not look at it from your point of view.
You say you consider her a part of your family. What does she consider? Perhaps she doesn't want to be considered a part of your family. You say you just want to let her know that you genuinely cared for her. That is for you, not for her. What if she would prefer not to hear from you? Do you see? I understand why you are looking at it like this, but until we truly learn to care for others, we always tend to be selfish in how we look at things. You are looking at this from your perspective, not hers.
So if you want her happiness, buy the above book. Learn all about the behaviours that you did, understand why she feels hurt and just accept her for who she is right now. The only communication with her should be truthful communication. And the truth is that if she is still feeling hurt, then she does not feel that you genuinely cared for her. So, the truth is you didn't. If you think you cared for her, but she doesn't feel like you did, you weren't caring for her properly and need to learn how to care for someone so that they feel like you are caring for other.
Go buy the book. It will all become clear. Then come back and ask me any question you like about what you are learning.