UK Relationships/what do I do with my ex?



I'm a 40yo guy who's just come out of a 4yr relationship. I was with my ex gf for 4 yrs, she had 2 children when I met her, then we went on to have one of our own. About 4mts ago she dropped a bombshell and told me she didn't think she loved me anymore and wanted me to leave our home.

I had to beg family for money and search tirelessly for somewhere to live, it took about 2 weeks to find a flat, then I left. During the time we were apart she was very hard faced and cruel to me. She wouldn't reply to texts, or would reply to the one's that suited her. She was making fun of me to friends and family etc about the way I was feeling. This hurt very much as I did nothing wrong and raised her 2 children for the past 4yrs. I felt used and neglected as you can imagine. The way she was treating me also made me feel quite ill. I wasn't sleeping, eating etc.

Then about 2 weeks into the split I met another girl. This girl wasn't my type, but because of the way I was feeling at the time I felt flattered that someone else actually wanted me. To do the right thing I text my ex and told her '' I have a chance to be with someone else, but prefer to be with you. What shall I do? ''. She told me she didn't love me, didn't want me back and to go and enjoy myself which I did. The next day the girl I went out with tagged me on Facebook and thanked me for a lovely evening. Next I had me ex on the phone crying and shouting saying she didn't realise she loved me until she seen that girls Facebook post and wanted me back. We got back together the same day. She asked me if anything happened with the girl, I told her no (I lied) because I wanted her back so much I would have said anything.

Since we were back I tried and tried to forgive her for the cruel way she treated me but couldn't. I just couldn't trust her not to say she didn't love me again and throw me out again. So I packed and left a few days ago and moved back into the flat.

The day I moved in, the girl I went out with came knocking my door and told me she was pregnant and I was the dad. This came as a huge shock to me as you can imagine as she told me she was on the pill and we were safe (I know I know, I should have used protection all the same). My ex found out and went crazy. She assumes I have left her for this girl and now going to start a ''New'' family with her and the baby. But this is not true. Of course I will fulfill my obligations as a father, but that's as far as it goes, and I told my ex this.

I've realised I love my ex and miss her so much I think about her and the children all day long. But she told me she could never have me back because I slept with someone else. Yet, didn't she give me permission to do it? I explained this to her, but she said she meant to go and have fun, not sex. How was I to know? I was feeling so low my self confidence was shattered and this girl made me feel wanted again. It felt good to be wanted again. But no, she doesn't want me back but says she still loves me and that will never change. So I'm now living by myself, with no girlfriend or children who I love, and it sucks. Again I am not eating, sleeping and feeling quite ill.

Is there anyway I can get me ex back? If not, what can I do to make this all go away and feel easier?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it.

Hi Den

Thanks for your mail. I can understand how this must be getting to you, its an awkward situation that you've got yourself into.
The first thing is to understand the reality of the situation, which is that its very possible that you and the ex will not now get back together. In fact , I'll go one step further - you shouldnt get back together.

I think her argument about not wanting you because you have slept with someone else holds no water at all - she was the one who split up with you and she was the one who became nasty and spiteful. Why then would she think that you would sit at home by yourself, celibate, waiting for her to change her mind????? Thats nonsensical.

To be honest Den, and this might not be what you want to hear, but I 'd advise steering well away from your ex. Her behaviour so far would not give me any confidence at all that , if you did get back together, that it wouldn't all turn sour again a month or two in.
I think she has done little to support you and her behaviour when you split was deplorable.

So steer well away. I know it hurts initially but to be honest, and no one ever wants to hear this but I've been doing this for a long time now and I know it to be the will get better. Week by week, month by month it will get better.

What about this other girl? The one who is pregnant? Do you have any feelings for her at all, does she have any feelings for you?

She is carrying a child , a child who is completely innocent in all of this and will grow up without a father. I know at the moment you're saying that you'll support financially and that's all, but let me tell you this as a father who was present at the birth of both of his children - when you look into the eyes of a child of your own, part of your DNA, something happens. Something that changes you forever. You have lived with your ex and helped raise her chldren, so you know how much kids need a father figure in their life. And how much they struggle when they dont have one.

Now this unborn child, this baby, needs that father no less than your ex's kids. Needs the guidance and support and love and comfort that only a father can give. They will grow up to be a better person because of it. Now that doesnt mean you have to marry the mother, live with the mother or even love the mother, but this child needs more than your wallet, much more.

And let me tell you, not as a counsellor or advisor, or any such thing, but bloke to bloke - it is not a good measure of you if you refuse to be in the child's life in the hope that it will win you favour with a woman who has treated you exceptionally poorly.

This woman deserves nothing from you, the unborn child deserves everything you can give him or her. If you have to choose, choose hope and choose future and choose potential , dont choose trying to resurrect something that , to be honest, is not worth saving and, at least in my opinion,is highly unlikely to work even if you do try to save it.

You need to start concentrating on moving on. By all means stay in touch with her kids, on the condition that their mum is happy with that. Send them birthday gifts and try to stay part of their life if you wish but stay away from the mum and move on.

Sort your health out. Start exercising and get out in the good weather. Keep yourself busy. Join a class or learn a language, do something that you've always wanted to do. It's not an immediate fix but as little as a month from now you'll feel twice the man you do now.

And as for this unborn child, prepare yourself to be part of its life - whether you are part of its mothers life, well thats for you and her to work out but I'll tell you this; If you welcome this child and help it learn and grow - it will never treat you badly , it will never fall out of love with you and it will never call you names behind your back. It will never cast you out only to demand that you return when it gets jealous. All things that this woman that you are so desperate to return to has done.

The love that the child will give you is the purest and most unconditional on earth. You owe it to yourself to experience it.

Take care

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Steve Wilson


Any questions on families or relationships are welcome. As are any issues or problems that you have with communicating or simply being understood by those around you. I have voluntarily worked as a counselor in the past, both with individuals and families. I cant promise to have an answer to everything but will help as and where I can, without making judgements.


Both a former telephone counselor with a well known international support organisation and a former police officer within a major UK city. I've helped with numerous issues and worked with individuals and family towards conflict resolution.

Bachelor of Arts (Honours). I've received training in family and teenage counselling.

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