UK Relationships/Not sure if I should let go of a god friend...
Hello, ive become really close to a girl who understands me better than anyone else, she is married & has 2 kids & lots of friends who live close by to her. Me on the other hand I have good friends but don't live close by so I hardly see them. Now im envious of her but I havnt told her that. When she tells me how busy her day is going seeing her friends, going to park etc I get jealous because I wish I was that popular & could fill my days like her. Now, I should be happy for her but it makes me realise how lonely I am. Is it good for me mentally to be listening to other peoples fun filled days knowing I have nothing to do?. I can go to gym but that's only for an hour, I have a hobby but its plane spotting which is usually something I can do by myself my other friends aren't interested in that. I don't want to lose her but I am comparing myself to her life & it makes me sad, but I have to pretend im happy & interested in her which I am because shes best person that's ever come into my life. On other hand, do I open up to her & tell her how lonely I am?. Girls don't really wanna know a boring loner type guy do they?. What could I do?. I don't wanna lose her by telling her this but its eatig me up not being able to talk to her without scaring her off. I want to tell her but im scared she'll not be interested in me as much. Thank you.
read this before getting to my answer
here's the issue,don't dump friends because of lonliness.Self-esteem refers to how you feel about yourself overall; how much esteem, positive regard or self-love you have. Self-esteem develops from experiences and situations that have shaped how you view yourself today.
involving math (this is true).
When you love yourself, your self-esteem improves, which makes you more confident. When you are confident in areas of your life, you begin to increase your overall sense of esteem. You can work on both at the same time.If you are having trouble finding areas you are confident in, try these tips.
•Think of qualities others say you excel in. Even if you believe them slightly, this is a step in the right direction.
•Stop the negative chatter. Shut it up! Start to think of contradictions to these statements.
•Would you say it to a friend? If not, stop saying these statements to yourself.
•Make a list of strengths. Think of what you would say about yourself if you were on a job interview.
The more we recognize our challenges with self-confidence and self-esteem, the more aware we become of improvements that can be made. This is when positive changes occur.
Does your self-esteem limit your self-confidence?Self-esteem reflects a person’s overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth.Self-esteem is based on your beliefs about you own value as a person and your emotional view of those beliefs. For example, do you believe that you’re a competent or incompetent person?
If you said competent then the corresponding emotions are probably related to feelings of triumph or pride. Conversely, if you believe that you are incompetent then your emotional anchors might be despair or shame.Terms that are closely related include: self-worth, self-regard, self-respect, self-love, self-integrity and self-acceptance.
Self-confidence is a measure of your beliefs about your own judgment, skills and abilities. This includes the level of future performance you expect from yourself.
Self-confidence relates closely to your level of self-assuredness about what you think you can do or accomplish.
Fear of failure is one of the greatest threats to your personal success. Self-confident people are keenly aware of what they can do well, and they succeed by focusing their efforts in those directions
How they work together?
Even though they are not the same thing, self-confidence and self-esteem are very closely related.
Is one more important than the other? Not really because they go hand in hand. To be a happy, healthy, fully functional person you need both.
Confident behavior and demeanor are a reflection of a healthy self-esteem and will be evident in your level of assertiveness or confidence.
If you lack confidence and thus produce less than encouraging results, it will adversely affect your sense of self-worth. Confidence is gained by taking actions that lead to successful outcomes. Your successes give you reasons to approve of yourself, which builds your self-esteem. One feeds the other.build up both and u will be on ur way to hope/happiness,if u need help on building both self estem/self confidence,let me know.Faulty Self Image
Low self esteem is the view or belief that one has of oneself as inadequate, unlovable, unworthy and/or incompetent. This perception comes from one's interpretation of the dysfunctional behavior of people in the child's early environment. In other words, the child is often the brunt of anger, abandonment, abuse, neglect, and or continual negative criticism and scorn. Self-statements are the statements we make to ourselves in our heads. Once a child develops an image of herself as inadequate (or not good enough, etc.) she treats herself and expects to be treated accordingly. She tends to be overly critical of herself and to inwardly agree with others' criticisms of her, even though she may initially put up an argument against any negative feedback. She may reject compliments, and even criticize people who compliment her, for having low standards or for misjudging her.
Generally, she tends to assume that other people see her in the same negative way she sees herself. From that point on she may anticipate rejection, expect to be ignored or mistreated and even tell herself she has caused the negative reactions or inappropriate behavior of others. Thus, when someone behaves in ways similar to the negative ways she has already experienced, she sees this as confirmation of her inadequacy, her lack of significance, and then engages in irrational and distorted self-statements that bring on additional negative feelings.
In recovery, LSE sufferers gradually become aware of these distortions and over time are able to correct them.
Lacking Self Confidence
Those with low self esteem are generally not confident that they can succeed in life. When something discouraging happens, they interpret the situation as proof that they will not prevail in their attempts to be successful. Some then become overachievers (desperately driven to prove themselves) while others remain underachievers (achieving less that they are capable of).
Even overachievers don’t believe in their success, instead viewing themselves as merely “lucky” and expecting their success to eventually evaporate. All LSE sufferers especially lack confidence in new situations where they don't know what is expected of them and are fearful that relying on their own judgment may produce behavior that is “wrong” in the eyes of others, thereby eliciting disapproval.
Those with low self-esteem also tend to choose the wrong partners, remain in relationships that are unsatisfying and/or abusive, remain in jobs where the pay is poor and the benefits are nonexistent. The fear change, they fear being alone, and they fear their own ability to make sound decisions.
While in the process of recovery, confidence building does gradually occur and these individuals become able to believe in themselves and to recognize that their success is real and well-earned.
Mind Reading and Projection
(Thinks and believes that others view her in the same negative ways that she views herself)
Another dysfunctional symptom of LSE is the habit of projecting onto others the person's own worst fears. Thus if Joel thinks that he is incapable of something, he believes that others think similarly about him even though he has no viable proof that this is true. If Molly thinks she is unlovable, she decides that the young man asking her for a date is really just teasing her or making fun of her--convinced that he could not really want to go out with her.
Unknowingly, those with low self esteem tend to be very critical of themselves when they are less than perfect and of others for the same reasons. This overly critical attitude comes from their feelings of inadequacy and fear of making a mistake. Their over-attention to doing things “right” extends to others who they also judge with a critical eye.
Sometimes seen as arrogant because they are so critical of others, they are likely striving to build themselves up by putting others down. Unaware that they are more critical than other people, they focus on the negative rather than the positive and give more weight to the negative in both themselves and others.
(Overreacts emotionally to situations in which those with healthy self-esteem would not)
Filled with negative beliefs about themselves, those with low self esteem often overreact to comments or behavior of others that they view as inappropriate or offensive. They may become completely enraged in response to a simple comment, may become despondent as the result of a disagreement, or may become devastated when someone cancels plans with them.
They can instantly react, becoming angry, sarcastic, blaming, or accusatory when they feel slighted, unappreciated, treated as insignificant. In some cases, they are imagining that others are purposely mistreating or ignoring them when it is not so, for their perception is distorted due to the belief that others see them as negatively as they see themselves.Motivated by fear of “doing something wrong” and receiving negative feedback, those who have low self esteem seemingly need to narrow their choices to be safe from erring. Consequently, they grab hold of the notion that there is one right way to do things—usually the way they were taught. Once the “right” way is recognized, they feel they can then remain safe from ridicule, rejection, disapproval, or from making a mistake in judgment that might have other negative consequences. With only one “right” way every other position is then “wrong,” (black versus white).
Seeing everything as black and white, good or bad, all or nothing and knowing which is which makes it easier to know what to do, Unable to trust their own ability to know what’s right, however, they look to others for those answers or they may go by the rules they were taught as a child, too fearful to decide for themselves on any issue that might be controversial. So Mary may say, “I’m a Republican because my family have always been Republicans,” or “I know this specific household product is the best because my mother always used this brand,” or individuals may think that this or that is important or unimportant in life because of what she was told or what was modeled for her.
Once they are told what is right by a parent or someone they have been taught to highly respect, they become closed to considering a different viewpoint, unable to think that any other way is acceptable. They become rigid in their thinking and judgmental of others who think, feel, or act differently. They basically don’t develop the ability and freedom to look at issues and consider the varying merits before choosing a side.
Doubting their ability to make good decisions, these low self esteem sufferers are often overly submissive to—and blindly follow—authority figures without wavering or sizing up the situation on their own. Such blind allegiance without studying or assessing the situation can lead people to give control of their lives to others who don’t have their best interest at heart, whose views are questionable, or whose views are radical in one direction or another.