UK Relationships/I just can't move on


Hi Matthew,

My boyfriend broke things off between us in Novemeber last year and I just can't seem to move on, or know how to. Just two days before he finished it it was telling me how good I made him feel. Then something happened that he said 'took him back to a previous relationship' and he didn't want to be with me anymore. Firstly, I felt I deserved an opportunity to talk things thru, and perhaps work on whatever it was he saw but he never gave me the chance. I feel so let down as he knew i didn't let people into my life very easily and when I did I did because I felt something for them. I did fall for him and now I have to deal with this situation which feels like a bereavement. I just don't know how to move on. I thought I was doing fine but now, 2 months on it's hit me again. I'm not a youngster and am in my 40's but I felt we had something good and I had no opportunity to fight for the relationship. I am really not happy and just don't know how to get out of this rut as my mind keeps replaying the times together.

Many thanks for your time Matthew.


breakups are hard enough when you know things aren’t working out and sense that the end is looming, but they’re even more painful when you’re totally caught by surprise.What relationship was I in? you wonder, since it was obviously so different from the one your boyfriend was in. Questioning whether you were completely out of touch with reality, you search for red flags you may have missed, look for everything you could have done wrong, and long for answers.

But when a breakup comes on out-of-the-blue, it’s usually not because of anything you did wrong. Abrupt endings—that happen when things never seemed better, and without any discernible warning signs or discussions about his relationship concerns—usually have more to do with a guy’s emotional unavailability or fear of commitment.This isn’t a time to berate yourself about all the things you wish you’d done differently, or chase him to get closure—or another chance. This is the time to let go of this relationship and prioritize taking care of yourself so you can recover from the devastation of a surprise attack, heal, and move on. Here’s how: Maintain your dignity. Another danger of being in touch with him post-breakup is that you could be telling yourself you’re just doing it because you want closure, when deep down what you really want is another chance. If someone does not want to be with you, trying to convince them otherwise is a quick and painful road to losing your dignity.
Promising you’ll change, trying to prove your worth, or flat-out asking (not to mention its close cousin, begging) him to give things another shot will take a tremendous toll on your self-esteem. Know that what you’re really worthy of is a man who wants to be with you and doesn’t need convincing, and walk away with your head held high. Delete, delete, delete. A great way to torture yourself after you’ve been dumped is to go back and reread all his old texts and emails and listen to his voicemails. Avoid this temptation by deleting them sooner rather than later. Sure, they feel like a security blanket—if you’re not dating anyone else yet, his messages remind you of a time when someone loved you. You might be afraid that if you delete them, you’ll have nothing left and will just be in this relationship-less void, thinking, What if no one ever writes me sweet, loving messages like he did again? But you still have to take a deep breath and click Delete. Rereading or listening to them could take you back to when everything was blissful between the two of you, causing you to idealize the relationship and go into fantasy and longing for him. Or it could dredge up, over and over and over again, what you’ve lost. Either way, it’s going to keep you stuck, in pain, and closed off to meeting someone new. If deleting seems impossible, ask a friend to sit with you while you do it to provide support, and reward yourself by doing something fun after the deed is done.
life is short and precious,move on cause he has and if he returns it will only be rebound. Keep the faith. After someone has hurt you in a way you didn’t even see coming, it’s natural to be skittish about relationships. Trusting that this relationship was going somewhere led you to feeling blindsided and betrayed when it ended out-of-the-blue. It’s hard to trust that another man won’t do exactly the same thing if you become vulnerable again, and it’s even harder to trust yourself when you’d thought things were going so well when they actually weren’t. But this is the most important piece of moving on after a breakup—believing that you will meet someone else who won’t hurt you like that, and letting yourself open up to and trust another person. There are no guarantees, and you might get hurt many more times before you meet the person you can trust. In the absence of guarantees, all you have to hold onto is faith, which sometimes may not feel like a lot. But it’s so much better than the alternative of letting one ex’s bad behavior rob you of your trust, close off your heart, and block the possibility of being blindsided—but this time, by love.please feel to follow up,i want to help u along the way,if i have helped,feel free to rate me.Pray and read jeremiah 29;11 in old testament.Overcoming abandonment; First of all, realize that feeling traumatized after getting dumped in this manner is normal. There is nothing abnormal about feeling extreme anger or sadness. However, you need a way to process your feelings and work through them.RESIST THE URGE TO WALLOW/Wallowing is an understandable but totally counter-productive answer to disappointment. It does nothing except compound your misery and, often, turns a minor setback into a devastation zone that affects other areas of your life, as well as future relationships.

Post-ratiocination, you're called upon to walk the fine line between feeling your feelings and giving in to the inertia that makes your bed, the TV, excessive eating and other quasi-depressive activities seem far more seductive than is productive.

If you need time to recoup, fine. By all means, take it. But set limits on it to ensure you don't pine away.Hindsight is a beautiful thing, but it's not readily available to you while you negotiate an emotional morass. What is available to you, though, is hindsight from the past.

How many times in the past did you waste several weeks moping only to run into the object of your thwarted affection and wonder, "Oy! What was I thinking?!" Or, once through a difficult period in your life, how many times have you realized that you learned something important from the ordeal?

Focus on the knowledge that, given time, you'll be able to look back on your experience and take important lessons from it.This may not seem like a helpful thing to hear when you’re still smarting, but you have to intellectually acknowledge that you will take something positive out of the pain you’re feeling now, even if just now you haven’t the foggiest notion of what it is.You have to trust that, in time, it will become clear. Until then, pretend.

You'll be amazed at how much acting like you feel a certain way helps you actually feel that way.With a breakup, tell yourself that you know it's for the best. That you know something good will come out of it. That it's better it happened now rather than later down the road when you would have had more invested or, worse yet, if you had gotten married and ended up in a lawyer's office.LEARN WHAT YOU CAN AND MOVE ON

As things start to become more clear -- and you see what was wrong with the relationship and what you should have done differently – identify areas you can work on. Consider enlisting the help of someone you trust (a rabbi, or a really smart friend) to break down the problems. Identify those you can do something about and those over which you have no control. Work on the first set.

Determine what qualities this man or woman had that you want in future suitors, and what traits he or she exhibited that you don't.

GET UP AGAIN;if you trust that God loves you, you'll want to go wherever He takes you and understand that the He's taking you there for a reason.

And if that doesn't work, go get a Gloria Gaynor [ type her name and i will survive,save to ur desktop or favorites] and blast, "I Will Survive." Because you will.follow up with me and we will pray about it

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