UK Relationships/Husband seeking emotional support other women
QUESTION: Hi I hope that you can help.
My husband and I (34 & 30 respectively) have been married three years. We are generally very happy, supportive and argue very little. We are lucky enough to travel often and generally get a break from the daily grind. 3 years ago my husband met up with two ex girlfriends behind my back. I only found out due to him leaving his facebook msgs open on our computer. When I found out the first time I was distraught and he said he'd never do it again, though did so 2 months later. Neither of his catch ups appeared to lead to more than him appearing to seek emotional support from them and get back in touch. (Possibly an ego boost for him as well). I had hoped this secrecy wouldn't happen again. However, I have recently discovered that my husband had been flirting with a younger female colleague whom he manages. Texts have been very suggestive, some quite sexual, they have been away on business trips together and socialised until the early hours (I'm told with other colleagues present). I adore my husband, but once again he has really hurt me. I would never do this to him. Once again he has said he would never do this again. My trust of him is falling away and I'm not sure why else to do. He is agreeable that what he has done is inappropriate, however I am not sure what it would have progressed to if I had not discovered either three of these examples. Feeling very hurt and confused. I am there for him and listen to him but cannot understand why he would do this. Any advice or guidance gratefully received, thank you.
ANSWER: chronic cheater,lie don't care who tells it,he is cheating behind your back and dishonoring ur vows and disrespecting you,more is going on here,as u stated the sexual text and g with a younger female colleague whom he manages,etc is a red flag,for sure.the truth about deception.he gets caught and plays u only to do it over again,So… I’ll just jump right in.
You wrote: “There has been ABSOLUTELY NO TRUST in our relationship in years.”
My insight: All relationships are based on trust. If you don’t trust a person, you can’t be intimate with them. If they don’t trust you, they can’t be intimate with you.
So, if you’re in a “relationship” where there’s no trust, then you have NO relationship. What you have is more of an “acquaintanceship” — two people going through the “motions” of a relationship, but without the real “emotions” of a relationship.Serial cheating is one of the hardest things for a marriage to recover from. ..It's one of the hardest things to handle when you find out your spouse has been cheating on you. It's an even harder thing to find out that they've had a habit of it for a long time. Decide Whether You Want to Try to Work on Your Marriage. After the initial shock has worn off think about whether you want to try to work on your relationship They key word is try. This doesn't mean you should make a definitive decision to stay or to go. You only need decide if you want to try to make it work. There are still a lot of things that you'll both need to work on to determine whether your relationship is salvageable or not. You only need to decide if you want to begin trying.Begin A Transparency Contract. Whenever there is an affair the spouse who has been cheated on (called the injured partner) always questions how they will ever trust their cheating spouse again. The cheating spouse (called the participating partner) usually told a web of very believable lies and hid things out of the injured partners' view. This leaves the injured partner questioning what they can or can't believe about their spouse anymore. And they certainly don't want to be caught with the wool over their eyes again. So for their own protection they err on the safe side and decide not to believe most of what the cheating partner says - after all, believing their spouse is what go them in trouble in the first place.
The best way that I have found for a couple to overcome this obstacle is through a transparency contract. What this means is that the participating partner opens up all their private information to the injured partner. This includes cell phone bills, credit card & bank statements, internet passwords, text messages, etc. This will help the injured partner to really believe what the cheating spouse tells them and also gives cold hard proof that the cheating behavior has really stopped and isn't just being hid. there needs to be accountability, making acts of repair, addressing any relationship vulnerabilities, recreating intimacy, and eventually forgiveness - just to name a few.Ultimately, nothing can replace a good marriage counselor. A good marriage counselor can help you and your spouse overcome the many challenges you encounter on your road to healing. The best ones don't just help you heal but they also help you and your spouse to recreate a new relationship that's trusting, strong, passionate and vibrant.I pray for u,if i have helped in any way feel free to rate me,feel free to followup.It can be very difficult for couples to work past a partner’s infidelity.deception is a deal breaker for me,personally especially when he's a serial chronic cheater,where's the respect,trust,integirty,vows.No Apology, No Remorse
If he doesn’t even apologize for his back stabbing actions, that’s a very bad sign. If he doesn’t show any remorse and tries to blame it all on you (by accusing you of not satisfying his needs or caring enough), he is probably on his way out of the marriage, or planning his next affair.
The quality of the apology is another unmistakable sign. If he just said “sorry” a couple of times, or avoided the topic by saying “I’ve already said I’m sorry, so let’s not bring it up again”, it’s clear that he is not really regretting his actions or taking full responsibility for his actions.If you really want to understand why your husband was unfaithful, you have to be strong. You have to be prepared that the answer – The real answer – May not be what you expected. And it takes guts and strength to take an honest look at your relationship, without filters (and without the accusations)These are the possible reasons your husband cheated. Notice that they have one thing in common:
Cheaters cheat because they have the FALSE notion that going outside the relationships will solve their problems or fulfill their needs.
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QUESTION: Hi, thank you for your speedy reply and time to respond. I want to be clear though, my husband hasn't cheated and you mentioned "serial cheater" a number of times. I also didn't say I have had no trust for years, I said it was falling away. I was more wondering why he might be seeking an emotional need in other women. I guess I may never know and he needs to open up more. Much of what you say is very true and I totally agree, deception is a deal breaker. Hubby has A LOT to work on to understand why he does this - at the expense of my feelings. Thanks.
Understanding Your Female Partner's Emotional NeedsOne of the keys to being successful in a long-term, committed relationship is properly understanding the emotional needs of your partner. While many women share similar emotional needs, each woman is also unique. Learning what your partner values most—what makes her feel loved and secure—is essential to making the relationship work.Honesty and openness: Everyone wants an open and honest relationship with their partner, in part because of the sense of security it provides. For many women, if a partner isn’t open about their thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, personal history, and even daily activities, trust is undermined.Be Careful: Your Husband Will Seek Affirmation Somewhere
Have you ever noticed how the adulterous woman in the book of Proverbs seduces the unwitting young man? It’s not with sex (okay, it’s not just with sex); it’s with flattery. “She threw her arms around him… and with a brazen look she said, ‘I’ve offered my sacrifices and just finished my vows. It’s you I was looking for!’ …With her flattery she enticed him. He followed her at once” (from Proverbs 7).
Flattery is simply a seductive counterfeit for affirmation. As one marriage counselor told me, “Affirmation is everything. When a man is affirmed, he can conquer the world. When he’s not, he is sapped of his confidence and even his feeling of manhood. And believe me, he will, consciously or unconsciously, seek out places where he receives affirmation.”He’ll seek affirmation somewhere
If a man isn’t convinced that his woman thinks he’s the greatest, he will tend to seek affirmation elsewhere. He may spend more hours at work, where he feels alive and on top of his game, or he may spend too much time talking to the admiring female associate. He may immerse himself in watching or playing sports, feeling the thrill of the competitive rush. Or he may retreat to his workshop or his home office, feeling like he can control things there even if he feels inadequate and clumsy elsewhere.If affirmation is indeed everything, why should a man have to look for it in other places when he has a wife who loves and respects him? There’s nothing wrong with work, sports, or hobbies —it’s wonderful for him to feel alive and encouraged in those pursuits —but they shouldn’t have to be a retreat from an un-affirming home life.
Create a safety zone
Obviously, if many of our men spend their workdays feeling like they are always being watched and judged, it is no wonder that they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down. Men need a place where they can make their mistakes in peace and not constantly worry that they are one misstep away from being exposed.
If we don’t realize this and are perhaps too attentive to their mistakes at home, we risk creating a situation that is the opposite of what we want. Most of us want our men to be able to relax and truly open up to us. But in many ways, it is up to us to create the intimate, safe environment that makes that possible.
We may think that the adage, “his home must be his haven” is antiquated and unnecessary these days, but that is far from the truth. In fact, as the workplace has gotten harsher and less loyal, more demanding and less tolerant of mistakes, I’d say it’s even more important that a man’s home be a haven. Most of the men I talked with crave a retreat from the daily pressure of always having to perform.Emotional Infidelity;;;;;Adultery is one of the gravest blows to a marriage, as well as a painful rejection for one partner. But you don't have to be intimate with anyone else to be unfaithful. Emotional infidelity is just as -- and at times even more -- destructive to your marriage. Couples I counsel are absolutely outraged when I tell them that they could well be committing emotional adultery when they flirt with coworkers, send around funny emails to colleagues, or hang out with members of the opposite sex at gatherings. But they are, and so probably are you.
Stopping this kind of relationship is the single most important thing you can do for your marriage. It's not about where it may lead. It's about where it has already gone, far from your focus on your marriage. Placing primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does.
Most of us won't fall in love in cyber space, yet we find it okay to share a different kind of space with friends of the opposite sex. We discuss our problems, air out our issues, and settle disagreements with our business colleagues. We chat with our friends and neighbors. What's the harm in a man having a casual friendship with a woman when either is married? Surely, every friendship doesn't lead to an affair. Yet we forget the emotional harm of relating to someone outside the marriage when that same energy can be used to relate to our own spouse. Marriage is about relating to a member of the opposite sex with an intimacy felt with no other.You have only so much energy. If e's spending it with coworkers or outside the home and then getting home and feeling too tired to spend any more on spouse, that's emotional infidelity. he's effectively relocating vital marital energy into the hands of others. Forget about where it might end up. Even if
never touch this other person, he have still used that person to relate to, and in doing so, you relate away from spouse.if he Stop all of these outside relationships and bring all his emotional and sexual energy home to spouse, and he, too, will change marriage immediately.The first step in developing a happy marriage is to close our peripheral vision to others so that we can be fully focused on our mate.Marriage needs the same commitment to developing a loving and satisfying relationship. We can't divide ourselves in many directions without losing the intensity in our marriage. Our energy is already split between our jobs, our kids, and our marriage. The only way to keep a marriage strong is to put it first and foremost always. Just because we live in an ever-changing "enlightened" world doesn't mean we should eliminate healthy marital concepts because they sound archaic.THIS HERE IS FOR UR HUSBAND; If you feel you are missing that "connection" with your spouse, choose to find the way to create a new bond with your spouse instead of looking to an opposite sex friend to fulfill you.Countless people have told me that getting involved with members of the opposite sex isn't a problem for them because it would never lead to adultery. Having an affair is far from the only problem. You will simply be chipping away at your marriage every time you get that ping of excitement from an emotionally stimulating moment with someone of the opposite sex. It's dangerous to your marriage, and not just because it may lead to sex. It drains your marriage of the immense energy it needs to grow: the energy to flirt with each other, to be emotionally stimulated by a different point of view, to share the excitement with someone who wants to know who you are. When you place your emotional energies elsewhere, without even realizing it, you don't offer your spouse the opportunity to provide you with that same ping of excitement you are looking for elsewhere.
Refocus on the one you married and how you can get whatever it is you're getting from these other relationships from your own marriage. Find outside relationships with members of the same sex and keep the "chemistry" between you and your spouse.