UK Relationships/marriage? Issues!


QUESTION: hi Mathew. So my fiancé and I just had a baby two months ago. Things are going pretty well but for one exception; sex. My fiancé had a C-section and was cleared for sex by her OBGYN about 4 weeks ago. My fiancé has said that her sex drive has pretty much gone out the window and very rarely has ANY desire for sex. We shared a fantastic sex life up until this point.

I plan on marrying her pretty soon, and thus we had a conversation about the lack of sex in our relationship. We discussed what is important to both of us in a marriage. The emotional support and nurturing that couples need from each other. I brought up sex, and how important this is in ANY relationship. She agreed that all components are required for a healthy marriage to sustain itself. However, she rated sex as a pretty low factor on her list in a marriage and feels intimacy can be found in other ways, such as holding hands, or cuddling on the couch. I explained to her that yes, intimacy Does involve those things, but for me, it is not enough. I explained to her that I want our sex life back and she responded by saying that she just doesn't feel "in the mood" any longer, and that I need to "get her started ". I've tried this, many many times, and it's always resulted in another "I'm not in the mood" argument. I feel she is using this as an excuse and putting the pressure and blame on me. To me, it feels like I'm the one failing to get her in the mood, and thus, it's my fault we no longer have sex.

Lately we have talked about the sex issue, and I asked her if sex was painful or in anyway unpleasant. She tells me that she simply just is no longer "in the mood ". I am starting to feel as though my role in her life is to be solely that of an emotional and financial supporter, and nothing more.

I still want to marry her, but sometimes I think that I shouldn't, simply because her view on what is needed to sustain and maintain a healthy marriage has changed. It makes me feel so damn down when I get rejected time after time for sex, and I'm terrified that by marrying her, I will be accepting this outcome. I love my fiancé and want to work this out, but feel pretty darn hopeless now. I really don't know where to go from here.

Thank you Mathew, Jared.

ANSWER: sorry to hear u is going thru this. Before getting marrieed u may have to do some soul searching to see if this is something u want to tolerate for the rest of ur's why; Physical intimacy is part of God’s normal plan for marriage, and a husband and wife have a responsibility to meet each other’s needs in this area (1 Corinthians 7:2–4). Assuming there is no physical or medical condition that would prevent sexual activity, a lack of sex in marriage should come by mutual consent for spiritual pursuits for short periods of time (1 Corinthians 7:5).A lack of sex in marriage is a cause for concern. u 2 is not on the same page;sex deprived.Being complacent about ho-hum sex is a formula for marital disaster. A sex-starved husband and a sex-starved wife are in danger of getting a divorce over lack of sex in the marriage. When one spouse is sexually dissatisfied and the other is oblivious, unconcerned or uncaring, and has no interest, sex isn't the only casualty; intimacy on every level becomes non-existent. Spouses stop touching affectionately, having meaningful talks, laughing at each other's jokes, or connecting emotionally. They become like two ships passing in the night. Infidelity and divorce become all too real threats.1 corinthians 7;1 The wife does not have authority over her own body: In fact, these obligations are so concrete, it could be said that the wife's body does not even belong to herself, but to her husband. The same principle is true of the husband's body in regard to his wife.Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment.On the same idea, also the wife to her husband: The wife is not to withhold marital affection from her husband. Paul strongly puts forth the idea that there is a mutual sexual responsibility in marriage. The husband has obligations toward his wife, and the wife has obligations toward her husband.The word for deprive is the same as defraud in 1 Corinthians 6:8. When we deny physical affection and sexual intimacy to our spouse, we cheat them.

Withholding sex is just one of the many forms of abuse that a man or woman can endure in a relationship. .feel free to let her read this,this is lengthy because I am here to help and I pray God works all things out for ur good bro, Why hold on to something that doesn’t appear to be very healthy or that makes you unhappy?I realize that probably wasn’t you wanted to hear, but the alternative – to help you get this woman to have sex with you – just felt all shades of wrong. Withholding sex is just one of the many forms of abuse that a man or woman can endure in a  relationship. this behavior doesn’t bode well for her future relationships. Or for you.Most people take one of two stances when it comes to conflict – they either run away or shut down or they confront the conflict head on. Neither is especially productive.Also confusing is why she would give up having sex with you if she was having it that frequently before. Is it possible she just doesn’t like sex and is using this as an excuse not to have it? This is an example of how women place such a high value on sex and use it as a bartering chip. Women who do this have a limited understanding of how real relationships – healthy ones – work. It’s a strategy, and it often fails. That is, unless they manage to land a sucker so desperate for a girlfriend that he tolerates it.You two need to talk about what’s really going on here and you need to get to the bottom of her real concerns. Because this dog don’t hunt. There’s more to it than just her using sex as a reward.

You have to ask her what her true concerns are. If you’ve rectified the behavior and she’s still withholding sex, then the truth is that this girl either just isn’t into you or gets off hurting you.
If you insist upon staying in this relationship, you need to regain some of your footing and stop letting her call the shots. If she doesn’t want to talk or if she continues to her sex strike, then you need to make it clear to her that if she doesn’t have sex with you, you’ll just find someone else who will. If she’s not having sex with you, then as far as I’m concerned, all bets are off. You’re free to do what you want. If she doesn’t like that, well she can always either start having sex with her boyfriend and stop playing games or she can trot along and find some other guy who lacks a backbone to tolerate her drama.The question you need to ask yourself,how much is u willing to accept/tolerate,deal with?So you need to figure out why you’re desperate to stay with this girl.Wouldn’t you be happier with a girlfriend you didn’t withhold? One who enjoyed regular sex with you?  you are both trying to hold onto it for some reason. You need to figure out that reason. And then let go.consider choosing your battles.When you man up and break up with her, that’s when.No its not normal or healthy.Healthy couples talk and face issues. Healthy people are ok with the idea that they won’t always get along or that good couples fight. A healthy person can admit when they are being irrational or will consider the other view, even if they don’t agree.Secondly lack of sex should feel like a punishment for her. If its not, then there is something off (i.e. bad sex, getting it elsewhere, lack of desire etc) Sex should be a reward in and of itself. Sex should not be a quid pro quo, especially in a relationship. The way she talks about it sounds immature.this is not a healthy relationship. She doesn’t trust you, she makes you feel worthless, she withholds sex for MONTHS and thinks you pick petty fights… how much more of this do you really want? And do you really want to be with someone that withholds sex as punishment… or who feels the need to punish you at all, rather than resolving conflicts and moving on?The stuff you’ve described is stuff that breaks up marriages. I don’t think she’s the right girl for you.Withholding sex isn’t going to break this pattern. Gaining insight into why they do this and concentrated effort to NOT do it…might.good luck and I pray this helps,feel free to follow up,have a fruitful day.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Mathew, thank you so much for your reply. My fiancé doesn't always turn me down for sex, however, she has turned me down much more now than she ever has in the past. The thing is, I feel I am always the one who initiates sex. She, well, has NEVER initiated since the baby was born. What does this mean?

Also, the few times we have had sex, she is not into it. It's like making love to a cold dead fish. She no longer orgasms, or wants to try anything new, it's just basically "hurry up and get it over with " type of attitude. I miss the old her, when I would come home from work and she would grab my hand and drag me into the bedroom. Those were the good times! The way it is now, with me initiating, it's either hit or miss, and more likely a miss because she's not in the mood. Will it get better as time moves on? Some people say that after the baby is born, getting back into the groove takes time. I just always assumed her sex drive would pick up after a few weeks postpartum, I do not see this.

Are we doomed? Or should I give her more time? I'm going crazy because I miss being with her and don't want our relationship to turn into one that is sexless.

Thank you Mathew, sincerely, Jared

ANSWER: Advice for new moms;;A topic that is continuously brought up in the first few months is adjusting to mommyhood. Hundreds of my moms have coined this time as an "identity crisis." They describe this as feeling insecure or inadequate, feeling detached from themselves and who they were before Baby, feeling disconnected from relationships and constantly feeling behind in their lives. There IS Hope for Getting Your Groove on Again...At this point a woman’s energy level and sexual desire will most likely not be up to her usual level. And her body is changing. It’s changing physically and she may view it emotionally in a different way than before as well.
And it’s important to communicate about this.You must begin to connect on a physical level again, even if it’s not a sexual level. Get back to the physical intimacy and closeness. Touch, kiss, massage, rub each other’s feet, hold each other, cuddle. Create a romantic scenario, even if sex isn’t the goal in that specific moment. Visualize romantic scenes as well, to prime the “pump” of the unconscious. -make it happen anyway. Make it a priority, if that’s what you choose to do. -
The thing is, I feel I am always the one who initiates sex. [ When this feeling extends to your own bedroom, you've got trouble. ur wife she needs to decide to make sex a bigger priority in your marriage,at your husband really wants is for you to WANT to have sex with him.  For you to ENJOY having sex with him.  And for you to INITIATE it.  His deeper sexual needs (and emotional needs), and yours, will be met when you, as the woman, initiate sex, rather than leaving it up to him all the time to see that it happens. to wifey;;you should decide that sex needs to be important to you too, and not just to your husband.  You should decide to take a nap, or grab your hubby by the hand earlier and start loving on him instead of waiting until you fall into bed, half dead from exhaustion. Your husband needs to know you are crazy about him. It is super important for your husband to feel and know that he fulfills your every need - emotionally and physically.  He also needs to know that the physical part of your relationship isn't one sided. Your husband doesn't want to feel like he is always the one asking for sex, begging for sex, or constantly sending the message that he wants sex. What your husband really wants is YOU.  He needs to know that you need him, in a sexual way, just like he needs you.   When you show him that you want to have sex with him (and often), it will let him know, in a very obvious way, that he rials you up.  He excites you. He ignites passion within you.  And that feeling will make him feel more manly and more loved than he has felt in a long time. when you understand that sex is an opportunity for you to express love to your husband, in a very practical way, it will become more important to you and will always rate high on your list of priorities.  Plus, the more you choose to initiate sex, the more enjoyable, fun, and fulfilling it will be for you too - not just for your husband. Come on, being intimate is enjoyable, fun, and meaningful. That is how it is supposed to be.

When you make an effort to initiate and be completely engaged, sex becomes a much more positive and fulfilling experience for both of you.  You don't have to fake it or force it - just enjoy it.  When you feel like you are really fulfilling your husband in deep ways, you will recognize how much having sex with him fulfills you.  

As you and your husband both realize that you are initiating sex more, it will send a message that you both care deeply about each other, want to help each other, and want to enjoy each other.  When you are excited about making love, your husband will be doubly excited about it in return.  Beat him to it.

If your husband is always making the advances on you (you know what I'm talking about - you climb in bed, lights out, and he kisses you, or cuddles up to you, and you know what he wants), beat him to it!  Just like this awesome lionness in the picture on the right, take the lead and make advances on your husband.  Be the first one to start kissing him,  running your fingers through his hair, and letting him know that you don't want to go to sleep just yet. Make an effort to beat him to it on a regular basis.

Let him know that you are planning on it.

When you say good-bye to your husband in the morning, give him a big fat kiss and let him know you are excited for when he comes home.  Send him a text or email and remind him that you want to have some intimate time together that night.  Tell him (words are important) that you enjoy being with him and love that time you have together.  Talk about it.  Let the expectation be known that you want to have sex more, or at least that you care about it more than you cared about it yesterday.  And the reason you care about it so much now is because you care about your husband, you love him deeply, and you want him to know that. Show up.

Get ready.  If you aren't in the mood, get in the mood.  Pretty yourself up a bit. Turn on some music.  Give your husband a massage.  Smell nice.  And be involved the whole time.  Make this an experience about serving your husband and meeting his needs, and your needs will be met in return.  You don't have to be over-the-top involved or pretend to be super excited/passionate - just be you, but care a little more.  Give a little more.  Try a little harder to stay focused and involved (don't think about your list of things that need to be done).

I'm certainly not promoting the idea that you are an object for your husband's pleasure.  Rather, I'm emphasizing the importance of you stepping it up so that you never feel that way. So that you feel like you and your spouse contribute equally to the sexual relationship you share, and that you both feel fulfilled and connected.

So remember, what your husband really wants is for you to WANT to have sex with him - for sex to be an experience that you share together, not just a one-sided quick act of love.  Not that that kind of loving isn't needed at times, too. In all of this, please don't get overwhelmed.  Your husband isn't expecting (or wanting) you to initiate sex every single night.  Just try to do it on a regular basis - however the two of you choose to define that.  You can do it.

Finally, it's important to remember the purpose for physical intimacy.  It's a chance for you and your spouse to truly give yourselves to each other, and to trust each other completely; a time for you to show your spouse how much you love them and how much they mean to you; a time to truly be selfless.  

When you decide to initiate sex more, you will find that intimacy becomes much more beautiful, unifying, and fulfilling.  Give it try.  Your husband is sure to go crazy about it. And who knows, just in trying you may find that your thoughts, feelings, and desires for sex change in very positive ways.  All to the nurturing of your marriage.

not in the mood[quickies]I don't get it, must you always be in the mood? a car doesn't always work either, ...time to get the mojo with ur mate should not be a chore but something exciting that u should look forward to,God designed it as so and not to deprive one a wife[Take responsibility for your libido.

Don't expect your partner to turn you on, do it yourself! Make it your mission to pinpoint what gets you in the mood for sex then do more of it.

Meet halfway.

If you don't want intercourse, what about oral sex? If you don't want oral sex or any sex yourself, do you mind pleasuring them? At the very least, you can and should be able to offer the physical intimacy of a cuddle.It's just as easy to think yourself into sex than it is to talk yourself out of it

Sex does NOT equal intercourse.

Plenty of people (women especially) don't orgasm through intercourse alone, so tend to find penetrative sex quite boring. If sex is boring, it's no wonder you're not desperate to dive into bed! The more you mix up what you do, the higher the interest.

Don't relax!

Instead, focus on the erotic sensations you're feeling. Tighten the muscles of your thighs, bottom, lower tummy and pelvic floor muscles to help trigger an orgasmic reflex.

Set up a craving cycle.

Without wanting to point out the obvious, orgasms feel good. If something feels good, our body – quite logically – says 'more please' and sulks if we don't obey by developing either psychological or physical cravings when denied its high.

The more sex you have, the more you want. We quickly forget how great sex can be. Have good sex often and you're constantly reminded of all the physical and emotional pluses.

try toys,role play,but give ur man what he needs,this is reason alot of men go seeking it outside the marriage because sex is not an option its an neccesy. please feel free to rate me if i have helped

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Matthew, thanks again for your reply. I read and re-read it. My fiancé says she loves me, she packs my lunch and gives me a big kiss as I head out the door in the morning. I know she loves me, and she knows how to initiate sex, she just will not! I think that, for her, if she isn't in the mood, she will never initiat sex. When I was reading your reply, I started to feel a bit down. Knowing that my fiancé doesn't have it in her to do these things is heartbreaking. I have done many of those things. I give her back massages, buy her flowers and spend a ton of time with her just snuggling up, but I can NEVER EVER get her to initiate sex. I feel we can go months and months without ever having sex if I wait for her to initiate. I've talked to her before about it, and it continually goes back to that she's just not in the mood. I feel so frustrated and lost. I love her, but I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life in yet another sexless relationship.

wondering after nummerous replies am i helping cause u have yet to rate me,just wondering.

There are many reasons women don't initiate sex, some of which you may have figured out by now, and others which may come as a surprise. for a period of one week, tease her subtly by giving her long, passionate kisses, sensual massages or caressing her softly while you're watching a movie, and when you feel that she's getting turned on, slowly pull away and continue whatever you were doing in a non-sexual manner. A week of this will drive her up the wall, and she will be all over you by Saturday night. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage –(Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.

Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind. rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood – not in the mood [if your husband has learned what your body likes, and you make a decision to respond, your body will indeed follow.If you don’t make that mental leap that says, “I’m going to throw myself into this and enjoy it”, then you likely won’t. You’ll keep thinking, “I don’t want sex”, and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.ou have to turn on your own switch. No matter what he does, he can’t arouse you unless you decide to become aroused, because we control our own sex drive. And this, too, makes sense. If women automatically could become aroused no matter who they were with, then the pursuit really wouldn’t be as big a deal, would it? But women don’t automatically become aroused; we have to choose to let ourselves, which means that we are choosing to enjoy our husbands. He’s pursuing, and we’re choosing to be caught. Incidentally, this is what men often wish women understood. They desire sex not just for physical release, or even primarily for physical release. Sex is their way of seeing if we actually will respond to them and accept them. It’s their way of seeing whether we would choose them again. So what really interests a man is not his orgasm nearly as much as it is his wife’s ability–or choice–to respond sexually.

So how do you actually heat up? This is going to sound really strange, but trust me on this. When you’re making love and he’s touching you, keep asking yourself, over and over, “where do I want him to touch now? What feels good?” If you ask “where do I want him to touch now?”, then you’re paying attention to your body and you’re thinking about what it’s feeling. And that, in and of itself, is the key to arousal. You’re not letting yourself become distracted; you’re thinking about your physical body. And as you do, you’ll likely find that some body part does want to be touched. Just move his hand there and show him! And then the arousal will likely start.That’s great. Just remember that you don’t have to be “in the mood” first. You just have to love him and be willing to jump in, and then concentrate once you do. You’re deciding to accept him, and deciding to respond, and chances are your body will.good luck,don't know what else to say after 3 responses,all i can say is pray or seek professional counseling

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