UK Relationships/Husband difficulties


I have been in my second marriage now for 10 yrs to a man who has been odd to say the least. It was not apparent before we married. He has a volatile nature, is extremely sensitive to any remarks and thinks everything is personally directed at him. If I have a problem that I would like to discuss quietly he turns everything round on me, talks over me and keeps talking non stop so that I cannot add to the conversation or respond to anything he has said. At times he will just walk away and send me to Coventry. He will even go to sleep without ironing out details so it carries on into the next day. Things only sort themselves out if I apologise or speak to him first. Sometimes he will try to speak to me as if nothing has happened which is really strange. In the past he has been violent towards things in the house if he is angry about something e.g. Kicking the bathroom door in and knocking a hole in it. Throwing the computer down the stairs and making a hole in the wall, thumping open the sliding wardrobe door resulting in the glass cracking, swiping a cup off the sink e.t.c. Scary! As yet he has never hurt me physically because if he did I would just walk out - end of story. At other times he can be amenable especially if things are going his way. I have to support him and his hobbies, friends etc but he does not show any interest in mine. He earns around 44000 per year and gives me 370 per month for "food" I am retired and receive roughly 480 per month. I am running into debt because I cannot afford to run the house, clothe myself etc on this amount of money. If he invites friends to stay for the weekend I am really out of pocket. He expects wine daily and sulks if there isn't any and if he wants a carry out meal expects me to pay for it. I just cannot afford it. 10 years ago when we married he gave me 270 per month. You and I know how much just food has risen in that time. If say we need a new kettle or something like that he expects me to buy it with my money. I am at the end of my tether. I work extremely hard at keeping the home and garden and cook home cooked meals from scratch every day. He is very reluctant to spend money on our house but will spend huge amounts on his boats and gear. He likes to go sailing so we have to take a weeks break sailing every year to the same place. If I say I would like to go somewhere he just says that if there is no sailing then there is no point. He would rather stay at home. What is your advice please?

Hi Joanne
I want to be very clear from the outset - things cannot continue as they are. You are being bullied by this man - not physically perhaps but bullied nonetheless.
You need to put your foot down. Firstly the money outlays need to stop - if he wants wine for his friends - he should pay for it.
Be very direct and don't be apologetic. Explain that you are struggling financially and need to stop supporting his social life, especially when he is the main earner.
Write down your expenses in a month including bills and show him how his contribution is not enough.
You don't mention at all the emotional bond between you Joanne. Do you still love him, does he love you. Do you want the marriage to work?
Try to explain the situation to him as I have said. If his behavior doesn't change then I'm afraid that you may have to consider ending the relationship.
As things stand I don't see how you are getting anything positive out of this.

Best of luck

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Steve Wilson


Any questions on families or relationships are welcome. As are any issues or problems that you have with communicating or simply being understood by those around you. I have voluntarily worked as a counselor in the past, both with individuals and families. I cant promise to have an answer to everything but will help as and where I can, without making judgements.


Both a former telephone counselor with a well known international support organisation and a former police officer within a major UK city. I've helped with numerous issues and worked with individuals and family towards conflict resolution.

Bachelor of Arts (Honours). I've received training in family and teenage counselling.

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