About Michal Leah Kanovsky Expertise I can answer questions about relationships. If you tell me about a particular argument or occurence that happened in a relationship you`re in (with a lover, family member, or friend) I can try and offer some perspective. If you want to tell me in general about an entire relationship, I can try and map out the power structure (as I see it) and give you advice to help make things healthier. I can also offer advice as to getting out of bad or destructive relationships without too much suffering on any side.
Experience I am a philosopher who studies (and theorizes) on the relationships between people. This includes lovers, family, and especially friendships (as these can sometimes be the most confusing). I have written many essays and stories on the topic of power in friendship . I am not an expert in all relationships, but I hope to be able to give advice and learn more about relationships in general through the dialogue.
Expert: Michal Leah Kanovsky Date: 6/6/2003 Subject: Girl-friends sister!
Question OK, my problem is that my female friend's ( former lover and still a very good friend but not romantically involved with any longer... i think )sister is intriguing, interesting and seems to be interested in me. Nothing's happened but I'd like to get some advice as to what could I do! How do I say to my friend 'I really fancy your sister, want to see if she wants to date but I want to stay friends with you' without causing any problems or family strife!
Your views and comments would be very welcome and help me have my cake and eat it too!
Mikey
Answer Dear Mike,
A lot of this depends on what exactly happened during the break-up with your female friend. If she broke up with you then there should be no problem with you fancying her sister. However if you were the one who broke it off, and if she still has feelings for you then she may be hurt by your relevation.
Another issue may be that she'll feel like your friendship with her could be threatened by a relationship between you and her sister. If things go well then you'd be spending all your time with her sister and not her. If things go wrong then you may avoid her as well as her sister.
In general, siblings sharing friends has a lot to do with the relationship between the siblings. Does she get along with her sister? Have there been rivalries between them in the past? Has she ever dated a friend of her sisters? Answers to these questions may help you get some clues as to how she'll react if you ask out her sister.
If this girl is a good friend, then I think the honest approach that you proposed in your question may be the best. "I really fancy your sister and would like to ask her out, but I don't want to jeopardize my friendship with you." By asking her permission first before doing anything then she'll see how much her friendship means to you and perhaps feel less threatened by the possibilities of an entanglement between her sister and you. Also if you ask her permission, she's very unlikely not to grant it or to put your friendship on the line over it (as that would make her a selfish friend with issues), so you'll most probably be able to eat your cake and have it too.
