About Michal Leah Kanovsky Expertise I can answer questions about relationships. If you tell me about a particular argument or occurence that happened in a relationship you`re in (with a lover, family member, or friend) I can try and offer some perspective. If you want to tell me in general about an entire relationship, I can try and map out the power structure (as I see it) and give you advice to help make things healthier. I can also offer advice as to getting out of bad or destructive relationships without too much suffering on any side.
Experience I am a philosopher who studies (and theorizes) on the relationships between people. This includes lovers, family, and especially friendships (as these can sometimes be the most confusing). I have written many essays and stories on the topic of power in friendship . I am not an expert in all relationships, but I hope to be able to give advice and learn more about relationships in general through the dialogue.
Expert: Michal Leah Kanovsky Date: 7/30/2004 Subject: Relationship gone wrong?
Question I've been going out with my boyfriend for 3 years and 4 months and have been living with him since January this year. Things were going great and then we started arguing about stupid little things. We talked about it and came to an agreement that we would both change a bit for each other. Again things were going great then another stupid argument and then I went away for a week to spend time with my family in Glasgow. I came back and again we talked and again things were great for about 4 days and then he went all weird. Going out everynight, not touching me and when I went near him I sensed him tensing up and the conversation between us was strained. I confronted him about this and he said he didn't know if he loved me anymore or if I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with! I suggested he move to his parents until he could figure out what it is he wants, but hes still in the house expecting cuddles and normal conversation. Basically like we're just housemates sharing a bed. I've tried to distance myself a bit, but I love him so much and am totally confused. I just don't know what to do for the best.
Answer Dear Ilona,
I find that in general guys don't lie. If you're boyfriend says that he doesn't know about you, then he's probably genuinely as confused about the situation as you are. You were very right in telling him to move out until he figures out what he wants. Only he's a guy and perhaps doesn't see things your way. Therefore, you have to take matters into your own hands. You must leave if he won't. You must find yourself another place to stay and be until he figures out what he wants in his own mind.
Another things. After your gone, he may say that he has figured it out and he wants you to move back. If problems crop up again after this and he again acts "confused," then realize that you cannot trust his word. Don't go back more than once or it becomes a bad pattern.
As far as living together. I'm not there, but from what you've described, perhaps you need to be a bit more easy going about things. If you're living together and he's going out everynight with his friend (without you), try not to say anything. Make your own plans, be gone a lot yourself. When he wants to see you, he'll make sure to see you, there's no reason to force yourself onto him. If anything, having you around all the time probably has an opposite effect on him making him feel like he doesn't need to make an effort to see you and therefore he puts his effort into seeing other people. Make him make an effort. Be gone when he gets home from work. Be busy with your own friends and your own life.
If your boyfriend's not touching you and not being affectionate, try to be as distant from him. Give him space and wait until he comes to you. If he loves you, he will eventually come to you.
As far as little arguments, try not to get into them. This is not to say that you should let him get away with everything, but try to find a more constructive way of dealing with situations then pointing things out to him (which is how most arguments get started). You say that most of your arguments are stupid. Try to ignore stupid things that bother you. Leaving the toilet seat up is not a big deal. You have to tell yourself that and let things go. Not every nuisance warrants a discussion.
Living together is a difficult thing. Prior to living together, your boyfriend may have been used to having a lot of alone time. Now he might feel as if every free minute belongs to you. And you might feel as if every free minute you have goes to him. That is not the case. Each of you needs to feel free to be alone even when together. No one can survive long-term under so much pressure. Distance, whether living together or apart, may be your best option.
