About Michal Leah Kanovsky Expertise I can answer questions about relationships. If you tell me about a particular argument or occurence that happened in a relationship you`re in (with a lover, family member, or friend) I can try and offer some perspective. If you want to tell me in general about an entire relationship, I can try and map out the power structure (as I see it) and give you advice to help make things healthier. I can also offer advice as to getting out of bad or destructive relationships without too much suffering on any side.
Experience I am a philosopher who studies (and theorizes) on the relationships between people. This includes lovers, family, and especially friendships (as these can sometimes be the most confusing). I have written many essays and stories on the topic of power in friendship . I am not an expert in all relationships, but I hope to be able to give advice and learn more about relationships in general through the dialogue.
Expert: Michal Leah Kanovsky Date: 7/16/2002 Subject: Relationship
Question Very confused. Am 22 and have been seeing a guy on and off for 4 years...the main reason for on and off is his inability to commit due to fear of giving someone his heart completely.
I've been hurt badly (him cheating etc) and kept letting him back in only to be left hanging and having to start my life again.
Recently, the past 6 months or so I decided to move on and started living again and having new relationships. I became happy. Then when the ex came back I half let him in and carried on leading my 'new' life, but still saw him as I would if we were 'trying again'. This has been going on for a while and I was having my cake and eating it. The other day however it became clear that my ex was going to find out that I was seeing other people (i.e. Not from me..small world etc etc) and so I told him I was seeing other people.
Now he's hurt but quite understanding because he's been through this stage before. I dont know what to do as part of me loves him and can see myself marrying him in the future! But part of me doesn't want to give up the other life I have made because it makes me feel vulnerable again and puts more pressure on the relationship with the ex to work!
Help!
Answer Dear Gem,
I apologize for the lateness of this reply.
I guess that now you understand why your boyfriend cheated on you all those times and then still wanted to get back together. He probably also feels like you could be the one, but he's not ready to put himself in that type of a bind yet. Perhaps he is afraid to completely give his heart away, but then so are you. Now you've discovered how much less painful it is to be involved with someone without having to base your life around them.
The thing is though, that a real relationship means that you're a bit vulnerable. It doesn't mean that the sun has to rise and set with your beloved, but it does mean that you make an emotional investment which may not yield returns. It means you might get hurt.
However it sounds as if you've already given a lot emotionally to this relationship and frankly at this point, you know that it's not a sound investment. He can't commit, you can't commit and when you put the pressure on the relationship is turns sour. So why try again when you know what will happen?
Therefore I would have to tell you that if after four years this is where you're at, then this is probably not the right relationship. It may never work. If part of you doesn't want to give up your other life, then maybe that means you shouldn't. You probably know deep in yourself that if you do get back into this relationship whole heartedly, you'll only end up with a broken heart again. Let experience be your guide here.
