About Michal Leah Kanovsky Expertise I can answer questions about relationships. If you tell me about a particular argument or occurence that happened in a relationship you`re in (with a lover, family member, or friend) I can try and offer some perspective. If you want to tell me in general about an entire relationship, I can try and map out the power structure (as I see it) and give you advice to help make things healthier. I can also offer advice as to getting out of bad or destructive relationships without too much suffering on any side.
Experience I am a philosopher who studies (and theorizes) on the relationships between people. This includes lovers, family, and especially friendships (as these can sometimes be the most confusing). I have written many essays and stories on the topic of power in friendship . I am not an expert in all relationships, but I hope to be able to give advice and learn more about relationships in general through the dialogue.
Expert: Michal Leah Kanovsky Date: 12/15/2003 Subject: confused
Question Here goes...I'm a 26 yr. old girl who's had 2 serious relationships in the past 8 yrs. I've recently met this guy who is 30 and found out from him that he hasn't dated since 1995! Not even a casual date. I'm the first in 8 yrs.! It just FLOORS me that a guy could go through almost his whole 20's and not have at least a casual fling or relationship! Should this be sparking some kind of warning sign for me? Am I the special one to him, or just the first to actually give him a chance??! I asked him about it, and he just didn't have a solid answer. Just that he's picky and all the girls in the small town that he lives in who are available have already dated all of his friends, therefore he's not interested in any of them. He's really nice, polite, not a total hunk, but very cute and is very very social, so it's not like he hasn't dated because he's a hermit or anything. He's actually more social than I am, by alot!
I have had about 5 dates with him, and he seems very nice and easygoing. It's just that he NEVER has given me a compliment, and never seems to say the right thing! We started to have sex, and it's terrible! It lasts about 1 minute and it's completely over. He doesn't even really act like he's even into it or something. Never says a word (you know what i mean) and never takes the initiative at things..
I really do like him b/c he's so nice. I don't really want to break up with him, b/c I would feel like Im not giving the relationship a real chance at all. He's just not passionate at all! I had a talk with him about how I don't even really know how he feels about me b/c he never says anything about it to me...and he just said that he's sorry, and that he's new at this.
Im just really confused. I just feel like Im the one who's 30 and Im dating a 21 yr. old or something! Do you think it's wierd that a guy his age has such a lack of experience? What could be wrong with him, or am I just lucky to have met such a honorable guy?? Should I dump him or should I stay and see if he ever comes around and acts like man? And, do you think he'll ever be more "manly"? I guess Im hoping he's not stuck in his ways, and will never change!
Thanks for tackling these questions, I know this is kinda confusing! val
Answer Dear Valerie,
Firstly let me apologize for the lateness of my response, I was trying to formulate a reply and didn't want to give bad advice in haste.
You raise a few issues, so let me attack them one by one. Firstly, the fact that he's thirty and has had so little experience. There are a few ways of looking at this. It's possible that he really does have high standards and just hasn't met someone he "clicked" with for awhile. Time flies, eight years could go by. But also, you might want to get details about his last relationship before eight years ago. Has he ever had a serious relationship? Perhaps the last relationship caused real damage and he has emotional intimacy issues. You should look into this, it is a concern, but don't go crazy over it.
Second thing, you wonder if you're the only girl who has ever wanted him and that's why he hasn't dated. I wouldn't take that instict too seriously. Even obnoxious ugly losers manage to get girlfriends. If a guy hasn't dated in eight years, it's most probably by choice, not because he's been rejected constantly (ie. is so hideous no other girl would want him).
Thirdly, he's a bit inept datingwise. Again, this may or may not be a concern. It could be his lack of experience makes it hard for him to relate to you and treat you properly, giving you compliments, etc. It could also mean he's not really so interested, but then again, why would you be the first girl he's dated in eight years if he wasn't. Again, don't jump the gun but keep your eyes open.
The bad sex part actually makes sense to me, considering he hasn't done it in eight years. Also five dates is a little quick to be having sex. I don't mean to judge here, but from his perspective, this is a guy who is looking for deep emotional connecting (hence is so picky). It may be hard for him to be comfortable being physical with someone who he isn't "in love" with, or doesn't know on a deep level yet. You should wait until he takes the intiative on this one. When he's comfortable being intimate with you on all levels, then he'll probably want to move to the physical realm. Until then, all I can suggest is that he's accomodating you becuase you seem to want it and he's afraid of dissapointing you. (this fear may also be a cause of his bad performance).
So to conclude, there could be a lot wrong with him (emotional intimacy issues, childhood issues with his mother, past relationship issues that have paralyzed him emotionally), or there could be nothing wrong with him (he could truly be a deep honorable but intense person). Should you dump him? Not yet. Give the guy a chance, you've only gone on five dates. I'd keep on dating him, but try very hard not to get too attached at this point. He may not be your soulmate, but he seems like he's worth a little more time, worth getting to know. Try to be a detective and figure out the answer to all these questions, then decide if he's the one for you and whether you want to get emotionally attached. Right now it's too early to tell and not fair to either of you to jump to conclusions.
