About Michal Leah Kanovsky Expertise I can answer questions about relationships. If you tell me about a particular argument or occurence that happened in a relationship you`re in (with a lover, family member, or friend) I can try and offer some perspective. If you want to tell me in general about an entire relationship, I can try and map out the power structure (as I see it) and give you advice to help make things healthier. I can also offer advice as to getting out of bad or destructive relationships without too much suffering on any side.
Experience I am a philosopher who studies (and theorizes) on the relationships between people. This includes lovers, family, and especially friendships (as these can sometimes be the most confusing). I have written many essays and stories on the topic of power in friendship . I am not an expert in all relationships, but I hope to be able to give advice and learn more about relationships in general through the dialogue.
Expert: Michal Leah Kanovsky Date: 3/29/2004 Subject: I don't know where to go from here
Question Hi my name is jennifer i'm 26, i'v been involved with this guy mike for 5yrs he is 27yrs old. It has been an on again off again relationship. I find myself breaking up with him alot because of his pot smoking, not holding a job and his lack of communication. as quick as i am to break up with him i'm just as quick to call him and want him back.We do get along very well and in my heart i know we belong together.He is a great guy. every time i go back i think things are going to change. I don't think i give it enough time let change take place.i need some working on my self. i don't save money i can be controlling in ways. im a caretaker and insucure I also tell to much of my buisness to my friends. I have alot of guilt when i knew we were breaking up i would go out to bars with my friends get drunk and meet someone and end up kissing them or fooling around with them. I don't know why i do this they don't mean anything to me. when we did break up 2yrs ago i slept with 2 guys and i im still punishing my self for it. i think it made me feel i would get over him. I feel like a big cheater.i know he has not even kissed another girl in the 5yrs. My friends say i need to find someone else i agree with them but in my heart i dont want to. I really want us to work. i cant imagine spending my life with anybody but him. when we break up i end up telling my friends the bad stuff and then we get back togrther and i get so much shit from it. I really dont know what to do we broke up this past time right before valentines day and i let some time past but once again i ended up going to his house and talking to him. He was really happy that i did. we are starting to talk again and i am happy. i feel i need to hide this from my friends. I don't want to but i know they will be very angry with me and tell me i don't give anyone else a chance. Please give me advice i really wnat this to work with David and I.
Answer Dear Jennifer,
I have a theory: Healthy people attract healthy people; unhealthy people attract unhealthy people. I can't prove this as of now, but in my experience it has proven the case. What I'm trying to say is that you're right in recognizing David's problems and you're also right in identifying your own issues. You add this up to think that you guys are appropriate for each other (i.e. he's not perfect, I'm not perfect). I think you should see it as a sign that you need to work on yourself so that you become attracted to (and become attractive to) a better person for you.
Guilt, controlling, insecure, you have a lot on your plate you need to deal with. Are you? Do you keep going back to this relationship because deep down you're scared you won't find anyone better? Or is it more like an addiction? Do you crave him, even though you know he's bad for you? Are you afraid to lose him because you're afraid you'll end up alone?
Quite frankly, he sounds like a bum. But he's your bum, you may tell yourself. And maybe he says cute, sweet things sometimes. But not all the time, hence you break up, then you miss him, then you get back together. You feel that if only he'll change a bit things can be better. Let me give you a great piece of advice a friend of mine once told me "It's all downhill from here." Meaning that wherever you are now in a relationship, things only get worse. Never expect anyone to change for the better, don't date guys who seem like fixer upers. He will not change, no matter how much time you give it. He has no reason to change, you keep coming back to him anyway.
Work on yourself. You recognize that you have dysfunctional behaviors, find yourself a behavoiral therapist and work it out. Find someone you can work with, not just someone who will listen to your problems (you have friends for that). Give yourself some alone time to try to work things out with your therapist. Try to figure out why you have all this guilt and insecurity, and how to cope better with life.
Another thing: Five years is a really long time to invest in anyone. Don't expect to get over it quickly. If you still miss him in a year, that's normal. It doesnt' mean you're meant to be with him and that you should go back to him. You will miss him for years, but as time passes, gradually you'll think of him less and miss him less.
Alternatively: Stick the relationship out this time until the point where you want to break up again. Write down your reasons, maybe make yourself a video. Then the next time you want to get together with him watch the video, read over your reasons, and remember why not to.
