About Michal Leah Kanovsky Expertise I can answer questions about relationships. If you tell me about a particular argument or occurence that happened in a relationship you`re in (with a lover, family member, or friend) I can try and offer some perspective. If you want to tell me in general about an entire relationship, I can try and map out the power structure (as I see it) and give you advice to help make things healthier. I can also offer advice as to getting out of bad or destructive relationships without too much suffering on any side.
Experience I am a philosopher who studies (and theorizes) on the relationships between people. This includes lovers, family, and especially friendships (as these can sometimes be the most confusing). I have written many essays and stories on the topic of power in friendship . I am not an expert in all relationships, but I hope to be able to give advice and learn more about relationships in general through the dialogue.
Expert: Michal Leah Kanovsky Date: 4/23/2004 Subject: friendships
Question Where did I go wrong?
I have a most interesting and odd reltionship problem. It has not happened to me before so I cannot make sense of it ,but perhpas an outsider can.
Here goes the story.....
I met a Hungarian guy 2 years ago who came to my home to learn to read,write and speak better English , 4 times a week. During the course of 6 months I taught him a great deal of writing and speaking skills and we became friends. I help re-write his resume so it sounded better and he got a new job. The job is ....Drywall Building Inspector for a Drywall Contractor. The job involved travel. As time passed he stopped taking the English lessons and I just called him of and on and he came to visit now and then.
He had 2 cellphones at all times in 2 pockets of his pants...1 for friends and the other he, said, was work related.
In June of 2003, he came and told me he was going to the Caribbean for 1 week with a girl because she asked him to come along with her. I asked him what the relationship was with this girl and he told me it was noting special. When he return a weel alter he told me that he had the time of his life and he and the girl did everything together. Over the summer months, he was strting to live at her place 3-4 times a week. Iwent on holidays to Florida and return a month later. By the end of the summer , the girl was asking for himto live with her permanently.
He called me in Sept and told me he had moved in with her and put his furniture in storage at a friend's place. I spoke to him in Oct and saw him at Xmas time . He was going home to Hungary as he always does , for 1 month to see his family. The girl is Hungarian also and her family bought a condo for her, where he and the girl live in Toronto. The girl was going home to Hungary also to see her family,but they are in a different town.
I sent a gift with him for his family as I did that the year before also. He gave me a small Xamas gift and we had coffee together. He left for Hungary and returned 1 month later. I called and he told me it was finished with the girl. I asked him where he was living now and he told me he was staying with some friends. A week later I called him to ask about how he was doing and he told me he was back in his old place....I guess back with the girl. I asked him when he was coming to visit and he said in a week. He never came. The second time he said he was going back and forth to Quebec and could see me only through the week and he never came.
The third time I called him was Feb 18 and I said "good-evening" at which point he said " I don't have time to talk now. I'LL call you when I back in Toronto tommorrow night ". He never called.
As the weeks passed , I waited to see if I would hear from him.I did not. The first cellphone number went on disconnect out of service. The second cellphone number is on "voicemail". I left several messages, but no reply. A friend of mine also left a message with"no reply to his message".
It has now been 4 months since I last saw him and 2 months since I last spoke with him. DOes the fact that the voicemail is still on indicate that he is still around somewhere???
Will the cellphone ever come back "on"??
What do you make of this behaviour? I thought we were friends?? Do friends do these things????
What is your general opinion of all this??
Answer Dear Flora,
Your "friend"'s behavior is a clear indication of where your friendship with him stands. He doesn't want to see you or be in contact with you. There could be many reasons for this. He may feel that your interest in him is more than just friendly. He may feel that he needs to focus ALL his attention on his relationship with this other girl. He may just have lost interest in the friendship on its own. For whatever reason, he's made his decision and has been more than clear in expressing it. Standing you up, not returning phone calls, and generally ignoring you is his way of telling you that he not only doesn't value your friendship, he doesn't even want it anymore.
Friends don't do these things. You're not friends anymore. Will the cellhpone ever come back on? Does it matter? He's spent enough time with you to know who you are, do you really think that one more phone conversation with him will change his mind? He's decided not to be in contact with you. The off-chance that he may answer his cell phone again one day doesn't change things. He can just as easily hang up on you when he hears who it is. Or be polite on the phone, make plans with you, and then stand you up.
My general opinion is that you have to stop calling him, stop trying to get in contact with him, and in general cut him out of your life. Even if he were to contact you now, after four months of silence, it's not worth it to be involved with him, he'll only hurt you again. You did nothing to deserve this type of disrespectful behavior from him. He isn't being your friend, but even more than that, he isn't being a normal person. It is not ok to stand people up, nor is it ok to "cut off" friends without any provocation whatsoever. He is not someone you want in your life. Don't call him again, don't try to get in touch with him. Believe me, if he wants to speak to you, he knows how to contact you. You've done enough, it's time to let go.
