AboutPaul E Expertise All questions on relationships both family and otherwise.
Experience Past/Present clients:
Many and various, never on a professional basis, as I consider the experience I have (along with my age) has given me wisdom and should be freely available.
"Freely receive, freely give"
I am married with two grown-up stepsons, one of which has his own family with four sons. I have been on counseling courses and have varied experience in the workings of the human psyche, been involved on different levels in supporting and helping others with problems, I can often operate on an empathic level.
Organizations I belong to: I attend a local church which has proved invaluable in continuing my experience in relationships.
Expert: Paul E Date: 6/24/2007 Subject: What is normal to let go?
Question Last year I experienced a bout of health problems and reacted very poorly to the situation as I was very scared for my health. At the same time my boyfriend of 2.5yrs (now 3.5) was overworking himself and having to stay later at work to balance out accounts etc. Some nights he would not call me if he was going to be late 60mins or 120mins. Other nights he would call. I was fairly sure he was at work however I was also suspect. I honestly did not help the situation as I got angry and used harsh words even when he did the right thing and called (from work on the caller ID). He tends to close up when confronted by anything. Habits we seem to default to of our own parents failed marriages.
Anyhow, that was 2006. Yesterday I was cleaning our room while he was at work and found a pile of old email addresses on post it notes and one email on a business card from where he used to work the first 1.5yrs we started dating. They were crunched up in a ball under some old mail. I confronted him and he claimed they were from before we officially got together in 2003. I didn't believe him though cause I could tell he was upset/worried. So I looked up the girls and most of them go to our college. So I confronted him again and he spilled his beans. Apparently he had collected these emails from work, without the permission of the girls (customers), when we were arguing a lot last year. I asked why he did this and he stated that he thought I was going to leave him and that he felt rejected and hurt while we were having this rough month. He says he did not contact any of the girls and it was more the feeling of having "options."
Fact is during this period I felt rejected and hurt as well. I felt his not calling when late from work was unfair, and that he used to always call, so what had changed? I was worried he was messing behind my back. During this time I went on the net and engaged in adult cyber conversation on one occasion and then kinda talked to the person a couple more times. I did not use my real name, picture etc. It was more a fantasy thing and when things between my bf and I improved I stopped. However, since I always felt guilty b/c normally I do not keep secrets from him at all.
So my questions are
1) Can I trust this person as he lied initially when I confronted him? I didn't say anything about what I had done either so I don't think I am any better. But can we trust one another? And how?
2) Is this just part of growing up and learning to be in an adult relationship? I am 22 and he is 24. We got together about 4yrs ago so we were pretty young. We had been in previous relationships however none quite as serious and from what I feel committed as this.
3) We both love each other very much. We had a very hard year overall and fact is things could have resulted much worse. When things got semi-better after our rough month in 2006 we didn't really deal with it, we kind just got busy with other stuff like school, work, my health etc. We had a blow up in April of this year and things improved greatly cause we REALLY talked and fessed up to our poor attitudes and habits (other then our mistakes during that month in 2006). Do you think we've made too many mistakes to realistically go on? Or can we take this as a lesson and 2nd starting point to have a more mature relationship?
I really love him and we really fit each other. I can be myself with him and when I told him what I had done he wasn't horribly upset. I think b/c we both screwed up and for pretty much the same reasons we understood one another. He becomes very upset at the thought of us breaking up and says he loves me the same and regrets his poor actions.
We both do not have role models as to what a "normal" and healthy relationships are. Our parents were both married 17yrs. His father cheated and my mother and father were unhappy from the get go. How can we avoid their mistakes?
Answer You ask a lot of questions which u should know the answers to, both of you have become embittered and unloving towards each other.
If your relationship stands any chance of working, you have to do the following:
The both of you need to be open and honest with each other and agree to forgive, forget and learn to start all over again. not comparing your relationship with anyone elses including either one of your parents.
