About Michal Leah Kanovsky Expertise I can answer questions about relationships. If you tell me about a particular argument or occurence that happened in a relationship you`re in (with a lover, family member, or friend) I can try and offer some perspective. If you want to tell me in general about an entire relationship, I can try and map out the power structure (as I see it) and give you advice to help make things healthier. I can also offer advice as to getting out of bad or destructive relationships without too much suffering on any side.
Experience I am a philosopher who studies (and theorizes) on the relationships between people. This includes lovers, family, and especially friendships (as these can sometimes be the most confusing). I have written many essays and stories on the topic of power in friendship . I am not an expert in all relationships, but I hope to be able to give advice and learn more about relationships in general through the dialogue.
Expert: Michal Leah Kanovsky Date: 4/29/2002 Subject: relationship
Question This may be just a bit long but in order for you to know what is going on need a brief description.
I have been with this guy now going on 7 years now. We have been on and off, but mostly we get along great.
He used to do drugs in the earlier part of our relationship and got involved with some strange people, one a girl he slept with, she slept with him and got drugs, anyway.he hasnt done drugs for 4 years She thought she was pregnant this girl, and my boyfriend always seemed so concerned for her welfare, and I think he was also attracted to her. Even though he knew she went out with everyone and anyone. He later found out the child was not his, but still seemed preoccupied with her.
Well she hadnt been in out lives for sometime now.
But let me get to a year ago. My boyfriend and I broke up for almost a year, and now we have been together again for 9 months, and get along good. Only thing is he dont tell me he loves me like he used to, and sometimes he does not evem call for two weeks at a time. I usually spend the week end with him and we have sex and the rest, and he always acts happy I am there, and usually always acks me to come out to his house.
But before he always said he loved me. He acts real caring a lot, but he dont say how he feels.
Anyway last night I told him that I run into the girl I told you about earlier, and told him she worked at dennys, and he asked which one, cause we have two.
I am wondering if you think he would ask which one if he didnt plan to go see her there. I dont know.
I am thinking I am going to write him a letter and tell him I feel I need more from this relationship, and need to know if he loves me, and tell him that i am converned he might be trying to see that girl again, and i dont want to go through that mess with that girl again. And tell him I need to know what is going on with us, if it is just sex or what. He does things for me when i ask and buys presents and wants me at his house but i dont know, i just need to hera he loves me.
He told me that nothing was up with him and that girl a while back that it was just a drug things, but i dont really think so if he is still wondering where she is. Can you help? Let me know if the letter thing would be appropriate.
Thanks
Answer Dear Jan,
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I think that you need to open your eyes to reality and see that things aren't as you would want them to be. Insisting that your boyfriend say he loves you to you, isn't going to make him love you. Telling him it bothers you that he stills cares about that other girl, isn't going to make him stop caring about her. Things are how they are and there's little you can do to change it.
On the one hand, you're a step ahead of most people, becuase you notice these little things. It's good that you can see how his manner has changed towards you and you can detect emotions from his mannerisms. It shows that you are in tune with the world and aware of what's going on outside of you. But on the other hand, you have to accept the fact that the things you notice are the final reality, even if they aren't how you would want reality to be.
You notice that your boyfriend doesn't tell you he loves you and isn't so attentive to you. Recognize that for what it is. He doesn't love you and he takes you for granted. There is no other reason I can think of for that attitude otherwise. There's a philosophical concept that the simplest answer is always the best, the simple answer here is that your boyfriend is using you. Perhaps he cares about you a great deal, but love is an entirely different thing. The simple answer is also that your boyfriend still has feelings for the other girl. He won't necessarily leave you for her, but he is not completely over her either.
It's probably a good idea to write him a letter and get your feelings out, for your own sake. But that doesn't mean that things will change. Most likely they won't. You want to hear that he loves you becuase you want him to love you, but you can't force that through a letter. The best you may get is lip service.
