About Michal Leah Kanovsky Expertise I can answer questions about relationships. If you tell me about a particular argument or occurence that happened in a relationship you`re in (with a lover, family member, or friend) I can try and offer some perspective. If you want to tell me in general about an entire relationship, I can try and map out the power structure (as I see it) and give you advice to help make things healthier. I can also offer advice as to getting out of bad or destructive relationships without too much suffering on any side.
Experience I am a philosopher who studies (and theorizes) on the relationships between people. This includes lovers, family, and especially friendships (as these can sometimes be the most confusing). I have written many essays and stories on the topic of power in friendship . I am not an expert in all relationships, but I hope to be able to give advice and learn more about relationships in general through the dialogue.
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Question Hi,
I am married with 2 grown stepchildren, one is married with children, he is now going thro many problems with relationships as he feels being the son of a single parent(my now wife) he has had problems with identity amongst other things(so has my other stepson).
My other stepson has had huge problems adjusting to manhood and regaining his sense of identity and has recently left home(again).
Both had different fathers who showed little or no response to the needs of their sons.
So I come along fall in love with their mother, World War 111 breaks out and eventually they all leave and then its me and the wife, living an uneasy truce. With her guilt (which comes across as protecting them from themselves) continuously blaming me for their problems, its all my fault.
Now the eldest(married with children) wants to start the ball rolling with reconciliation, he met with me and we got along fine, then he met with his mum, so far so good, now he wants to meet the 2 of us with his wife, then after that he wants to offer counselling for our marriage ,which my wife agrees to.
Me, I am stuck in the midddle, uncertain whether I can trust this man with my marriage to his mother, he's had huge problems in his marriage and relationship with his wife and children, culminating in child cruelty and seperation was involved, they are now back together.
What am I supposed to do with this minefield of human debris. I tried to bring solutions to
the problems, now I just dont even try, I have given up even with my wife.
Whats next?
Thanks for your time
Paul
P.S. If its too complex, could u please forward it to another Xpert.
Answer Dear Paul,
It sounds to me as if you're best option is to continue the reconciliation process but keep your trust level at a minimum. Ever hear the phrase "hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me."? Try to keep that in mind. Trust is something that builds over time and as of yet, you have no reason to trust your stepson (especially with your marriage). However, a lack of trust doesn't mean that you can't pursue the reconciliation process with him and open yourself up to the possibility of trusting him in the future (when enough time has gone by that he has proved himself to be worthy of that trust). However, do not put yourself in a position where your stepson will have the power to hurt you.
I wasn't quite sure what you meant by "he wants to offer counselling for our marriage..." Does your stepson plan on being the counselor? That is clearly out of the question, as he is far too involved in the relationship to be able to serve as an objective third-party mediator. If it meant that he thought that you and your wife ought to get counselling together (or with him included) then that would probably be a good idea.
So meet with him and his wife and be open to normal family relationships, but don't hand over the keys to the house and car yet. It's enough at this point to meet him halfway with high hopes, but try to prepare yourself for the fact that he may dissapoint you again. It won't hurt as much then. Also don't tell him that's what you think (it will only be insulting towards him if this time he truly has noble intentions), keep your doubts to yourself, but keep them all the same.
