AboutJoyce D Expertise Religious Educator (former director for six years, lifelong Unitarian Universalist - "UU"). I`m familiar with UU history & resources on the internet. I belong to many UU forums, have attended many congregations, and have been a delegate at the UU General Assembly.
Expert: Joyce D Date: 10/13/2005 Subject: combatting fundamentalist proselytizing
Question Last year my ex-wife arranged for my daugther to stay with a a friend after school until she got home. The friend's mom is a born-again christian and subjected my daughter to attempts to convert her. My ex (who got me into UU-ism) was not concerned, afraid to risk losing the free child care. They have since moved out of state, but I want to be ready if the situation arises again. My daughter would come to me saying things like "I know I didn't come from no monkeys", and trying to explain evolution (and that we did not come from monkeys, but from a common ancestor) was beyond her ability to grasp. My daughter wanted to spend more time and money on a christmas present for the friend's mom than on her own mom when I took her shopping. My daughter was wanting to go to their sunday school instead of ours, but since my ex wanted her Saturday nights free to go on dates, I got Sunday mornings too and could head that off. Yeah, I've been given the usual UU line about telling her the facts and leaving it up to them, but that is not enough to respond to the emotional appeals she gets elsewhere, and THEY can openly or covertly put down UU-ism more than I can do of their beliefs due to our principles. I have joined a parenting group at my church, but the others are parents (or grandparents) of 4-8 year olds, and the curriculum to be used is for that age. The curriculum also spends a lot of time for parents to clarify their own views which I do not need, my views have never wavered since childhood and were 99% UU even before I had heard of the UU church. You said you are a member of multiple forums, can you please point me to places to get several alternative strategies? This would seem to be part and parcel of my overall observation that 95% of UUs came to UU from elsewhere, and 90% of their children end up elsewhere. I tried searching on UUA.org, but the parenting lists I tried were for small kids only or could not be found.
Answer Hi Carey,
This is a tough one. You didn't tell me the age of your child. I guess she's older than 8? The best way to help your daughter with critical thinking is to ask her questions. You probably should start with some easier ones and then go to "do you believe I'm going to hell?" That one could give a kid nightmares if she's not ready to handle it, but it's often the kicker question that pushes them over the edge out of Christian thinking.
Adults have trouble reasoning why theist religions don't make sense and many UUs ARE theist. Over 33% of the members surveyed at my church (~75% answered the survey) said they identify their beliefs as "Christian". But most people don't come to the conclusion you've come to because they don't question. For many people religion is about comfort and they don't want to question to the point of making themselves uncomfortable.
Your daughter might be more receptive to being asked questions if you treat her like you trust her and believe that she is capable of deciding for herself. I know you don't want her to become a fundamentalist, but her parents aren't fundamentalist and few of our children go that far. I think that when they do go that far it's because they're missing something in their life that they think they can find through their religion. The divorce may have left her feeling less loved in some way. She needs her confidence built, her self-love built & her love for nature & life itself encouraged, so she doesn't have a need to find love elsewhere. That can take some time and patience and also trust in human nature and her ability to find the "right" path. Encouraging the situation that includes having her on Sun. can certainly help, so you can develop more of a relationship with her that gives you the opportunity to help teach her critical thinking.
Can you give her both the skills to think critically and feel comfort in a world that probably has no god or afterlife when/if she encounters a time without either parent? Have you found that for yourself? Have you found that in a way that can be expressed clearly? You may not need an answer that brings you comfort about the end of life, but most do.
I suggest you go to the Between Sundays web site for some ideas about questions to ask her that will help her clarify her thinking. The purpose of it is to answer kids questions, but maybe questions she's had in the past weren't answered to her satisfaction. If she's old enough to come up with her own conclusions, she old enough to question those beliefs herself. Be ready to answer questions if she asks you, but don't provide answers until she asks - just ask her the questions she may be asking herself and take it from there.
I used to be on the homeschooling list and there were parents of children of all ages there. You don't have to be a full-time homeschooler to join that list - you are trying to teach her about humanism at home.
I looked around for other groups and couldn't find them. I'm surprised that there are few groups for people like you since I don't think this is an unusual situation. I'm sure the parenting email list is not just for parents of younger kids, but maybe parents of older kids just aren't there now.
The Church of the Larger Fellowship may be of help, though I couldn't find anything specific. Here's their section for parents.:
My daughter had the opposite situation - her best friend was not allowed to see her any more because UUs (and any non-Christians) are heathens. It was very upsetting. Maybe your daughter is afraid of that, too - losing her friend and being rejected as a heathen (or some kind of devil influence). How can she not be Christian and still be lovable to her friend and her friend's mom? Maybe she can be encouraged to express her beliefs in a way that sound Christian-friendly without her actually becoming Christian. She can be curious about what the Bible says and about Jesus without buying into it.
Good luck!
- Joyce
P.S. Feel free to check out my web site which includes a beliefs page and brief writings about coping, peace, social justice, and other topics. My email address is there, too, if you want to email me outside of AllExperts.
