AboutKerry D Sim Expertise I help people become clear about what they say they want, and hopefully clear about why they are not getting it. I do not answer questions like "How do I make a million dollars?" or "Where do I find my soul-mate?" or "What is the perfect job or career for me?" I also don't do "romance" question, like "What shall I do if my boyfriend/girlfriend confuses me? I don't understand my lover, what shall I do? I will answer questions from people who find themselves unclear, or confused about their purpose in life. I also help folks with limiting frameworks, beliefs, and emotional blocks that keep them stuck doing the same things over and over, while expecting different results.
Experience Have been a personal development coach for 7 years. Trained in Energy Techniques, including Provocative Energy Technique. Considerable, and varied personal life experience, and have created a very practical relationship workshop, complete with effective communication tools. I specialize in hearing and speaking the truth, and it is unimportant in the process whether you like the truth as it exists, or not.
Education/Credentials Coach training from Coachville.com school of coaching. Energy techniques training via Emofree.com and EFT Downunder. Life experience and training from many full years of living on this planet. I also have a certain amount of formal education, which, as far as I am concerned, is not necessarily pertinent to this endeavor.
Question QUESTION: How do you know if a girl really loves you? I am engaged about to be married in 9 weeks and my finace says I do so much for you if I can't wear engagement and wedding ring on the third finger I can't marry you as I do so much for you I am getting married where you want and going to have kids the first year for you, the least you can do is let me where the wedding ring on the third finger. To me it seems non religious but not only that she wants to wear sandals to church on sunday as that is what they do in her home town and seems ready to break off the relationship because of that. How do you feel about what I should do? How can I know that she will love me and stand by my side?
ANSWER: Because I can't see much punctuation, your question is a bit hard to understand. I don't know for sure that I understand the situation clearly. If I am mistaken below, please send a follow-up to clarify where I have mis-read the situation.
What I think you are saying is that she wants to wear her wedding ring on the third finger, and if she can't wear it there she won't marry you. She wants to wear sandals to church, but you think it is not appropriate, and she's prepared to break off the relationship to get her way. If this is correct, it seems to me you are both risking the marriage because you both want to be right about your positions.
And if this is the case, I suggest you have a good look at what your reasons are, and how much you really want to marry this girl. If your positions are so important to you for religious or cultural (or whatever other possible) reasons, and you are willing to risk harming the relationship because you feel so strongly, then it probably isn't a good idea to get married.
All in all, what I get from your question is that both of you are very attached to being right about your respective positions. In addition, she claims that she's doing so much for you (including having kids when you want, and getting married where you want) I get the sense that the relationship could quickly become a contest where each of you makes demands on the other to "equalize" some perceived sense of unfairness. "I did this for you, therefore you have to do this other thing for me."
Personally, I would not want to get into a relationship expecting that kind of thing.
All of what I read here, suggests it might not be a great idea for you two to get married at this time.
Generally a relationship will benefit when the partners actively seek to minimize the amount of conflict that might occur. Both must, at some point, be willing to let go of things that each want to be right about. I don't get that sense about you or her from this question.
And to answer your last question: There is no way you can KNOW if she will love you and stand by your side forever. For this to happen it will take quite a bit of work and willingness on both your parts to be open, to let go of attachments to being right, and to not take things personally.
These things can be learned, but judging by the divorce rate, most people really haven't yet learned how to do this.
I suspect you two have not yet either.
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QUESTION: You seem to understand the situation very well. I am willing to compromise on the ring on the third finger and the sandals to church, but I am scared that she won't stand by my side. I feel that she wants me on her conditions as she makes it very clear take me like I am and I am not changing. I feel that life is all about growing together. I want to change together and grow with her. I don't understand how she can make such a big issue over minor things and when it comes to major things I am scared. When it comes to giving my kids the proper religious education I am afraid she will say this is the way I am and I want my kids to be take me or leave me. I feel that she doesn't respect me, my values, and what I want to do in my life. I know that she was looking more for a guy who is working in business right away and I want to study teaching. Not like I want to become a preacher, but I want to educate people about how great the Lord is and help people get a spiritual connection. I am in Jerusalem now and there is a school for that which I am going to go to for the next two years. The pastor interviewed us together and she said she is willing to stand by me while I do this and she is committed to going back to America for a short time where I plan on doing some teaching. She says she is going to stand by me but I am feeling resentment for it. I came to her cousin's wedding last night in a suit and she resented me for it because her family dresses very casual (no suits, ties, people even come in blue jeans over here!) What would you suggest? How can I know that she will stand by me and love me for who I am and what I want to do? She has a controlling mother who wants her to get married so my fiance basically tells me everything I want to here when it comes to speech, but when it comes to respecting my culture and actual doing things I feel that she doesn't
Answer Michael,
I can only say again, you cannot KNOW that someone will stand by you forever. It takes work, trust, understanding, and honesty. Love is great, and is absolutely necessary, nonetheless, those other factors can rip a great hole in an otherwise loving relationship.
You provide so many hints that this relationship is starting off on the wrong foot. I suspect that you have enough doubts already that you are looking for a way to get out of the situation with the least amount of hassle... am I right?
Yes, it will be a hassle to get out of the engagement. But will it be a bigger hassle getting out of the engagement, or getting out of the marriage? Or, if your religious and cultural tenets prevent you from seeking divorce, will it be worse to stay married?
This follow up note about your situation suggests to me that I simply repeat what I said before: "All of what I read here, suggests it might not be a great idea for you two to get married at this time."
