AboutLeslie Truex Expertise My expertise is in helping moms, in particular rediscover their dreams and goals in the midst of being a mom, wife etc, and helping people identify their passions and dreams, and create an action plan to achieve them.
Experience Aside from having created my own life plan that encompasses my roles as wife and mother and includes the creation of my own work situation (from home) and provides for personal pursuits (writing), I have a background in counseling and have worked since 1998 helping people find balance in their lives.
Publications My writings have appeared all over the internet on various websites and ezines.
Expert: Leslie Truex Date: 6/10/2008 Subject: Married 26 years and have lost myself
Question I have been married for 26 years to my college boyfriend (dated 6 years prior to marriage) I was overweight throughout my childhood and lost 40 lbs prior to starting college. I met my husband my 2nd year of college and he was my first real boyfriend. He was a football star, extremely popular and beyond my wildest dreams, he fell in love with me. I was too insecure back them to question the differences between us and have always let my desires, etc take a back burner to his. I graduated from college at the top of my class and was offered an awesome career. I only worked at it for 2 years and gave it all up to move to Alaska to marry him-3500 miles away from all my family and friends. We have been there for 26 years now. I put my own career aside to help my husband start a business and to raise two amazing, very successful daughters. I was able to be very active in my childrens lives because of working for our own business and do not regret that decision. My daughters are grown and have moved to the lower 48 to pursue their own lives and dreams. I am highly supportive of them and never encourage them to move back to Alaska unless it is what they truly want. I am truly blessed to have such awesome, trouble free kids and I count those blessings everyday. Now I find myself a 50 year old woman that lives and works her husbands life. I am a woman in a profession dominated by males. I do use my college education in the business and I know I am a major reason our business has been so successful. Our business is also highly stressful and we work together every day. He relies on my for everything-I make him 3 meals a day, all the household chores, manage our office and all accounting & customer service, plus help out on jobsites when I need to. I have learned to run heavy equipment, run power tools, etc. I do not enjoy any of it and am not very good at the field work-plus I am a small woman and am expected to lift more than I am physically able to. Consequently, I have back/neck problems. I am alone in our office or out at jobsites with men everyday. I have little or no contact with anyone outside of our business-I have too many responsibilities plus we are 15 miles from town. I have no time for things I used to enjoy-sewing, reading, gardening, crafts or just visting with friends. I would like to be involved in our community (there is a lot going on) but I can never plan because the business always comes first and he controls the scheduling-even the weekends. I have to be at his beck and call all the time. He is a good guy-honest and hard working and he still loves me dearly and has been faithful (we both have) since we met. However, he is angry at life and suffers from depression. He had an abusive childhood and has suppressed all of that all these years (he has never been abusive to me or the girls) I have found out just in the past couple years what his life was really like. His family just swept it all under the carpet. He doesn't like people and has such a negative outlook all the time. I enjoy meeting new people and socializing. I feel smothered and find myself fighting to get out. I need more than this-I need to have some say in my life and decisions. I want to do something on the weekend other than working or camping or fishing-alone with just him. I need someone to have a conversation with someone other than about our business. I always have to go with him because he has no friends. I find that I am getting more and more depressed and my health is suffering from the constant stress I am under. I feel like I want to leave him and enjoy the rest of my life doing what I want instead of what he wants. I find I am getting angry and don't know who I am anymore. Then I feel scared...who would hire a 50 year old woman-how would I support myself. I have worked for our business all these years plus I am a co-owner so it isn't easy to just pick up and leave-I have huge financial responsibiliies. I am so confused and don't know how to help myself. I can't seem to change my life around but I know I can't go on like this. I don't think it will ever change.
Answer Hi Mary,
There are a couple of things that you didn't mention that are important. While you said your husband loves you, you didn't indicate whether you loved him. Further, you didn't say if you'd tried to talk to him. Assuming he loves you, it would seem like he would want to know about your feelings and would be open to making some changes to make you happy. Even if he doesn't want new friends or to go on outings, it would be reasonable that you could do these things on your own.
I'm going to suggest counseling because the issues you're talking about here (marriage, business, etc) are too important and complex to solve in one email. A counselor will help you sort through your feelings, perhaps meet with you and your husband together to work through issues, help you make a plan whether its to stay or go, and provide support.
If you haven't talked to you husband, I encourage you to do so in a non-threatening manner. Avoid blaming him or using "you" messages. Instead focus on your feelings and what you want. "I want to make other friends." "I want to go to the festival." "I want 2 days a week off." You get the point. I would also ask him how he's feeling. If he's angry and depressed, perhaps he's wanting something different too. Maybe you'll discover you both want adventure and sell the business and travel the world instead. But it all starts by communicating your feelings.
