AboutKerry D Sim Expertise I help people become clear about what they say they want, and hopefully clear about why they are not getting it. I do not answer questions like "How do I make a million dollars?" or "Where do I find my soul-mate?" or "What is the perfect job or career for me?" I also don't do "romance" question, like "What shall I do if my boyfriend/girlfriend confuses me? I don't understand my lover, what shall I do? I will answer questions from people who find themselves unclear, or confused about their purpose in life. I also help folks with limiting frameworks, beliefs, and emotional blocks that keep them stuck doing the same things over and over, while expecting different results.
Experience Have been a personal development coach for 7 years. Trained in Energy Techniques, including Provocative Energy Technique. Considerable, and varied personal life experience, and have created a very practical relationship workshop, complete with effective communication tools. I specialize in hearing and speaking the truth, and it is unimportant in the process whether you like the truth as it exists, or not.
Education/Credentials Coach training from Coachville.com school of coaching. Energy techniques training via Emofree.com and EFT Downunder. Life experience and training from many full years of living on this planet. I also have a certain amount of formal education, which, as far as I am concerned, is not necessarily pertinent to this endeavor.
Question Please help me im at the worst spot in my life. Me and my girl have be going out for 4 yrs and just recently got engaged I now am in a catch 22 where either decision I feel I will be unhappy the rest of my life. Well I cannot tell you enouph how much I love this girl we met in collage and I smoked weed ALL the time we had the time of our lives she used to be a smoker heavy but when we met only occasionaly anyways I got in some trouble non drug related and I went to prison for 3 yrs and she stood by me every step of the way and I love her so much for that. She said she doesn't want me to smoke much anymore and I agreed cause she said shed leave me if I didn't. Anyways I got out of prison and she's cool if I only do it a couple times a month. So at 1st that worked but I like 2 do it a lil more not every day by far probably twice a week which for how I used to be is a huge improvement. But I lied about it and she found out and now says I have to pick cause she won't be with me if I do. But either way I am unhappy my whole family does it even my grandma all my friends and I like to do it not all the time but its a vice I enjoy like people enjoy going drinking. I knoww you probably think im just some horrible drug addict but that's how I grew up and I feel its part of who I am I don't believe pot is that bad. She won't budge and I love her so nuch but I feel living my life the way she wants that I will never be happy but in return I can't even imagin my life w/o her in it I want to marry her why can't she understand me. Am I just being to selfish? either way I am unhappy I love her what do I do
Answer Jerry, first of all let me apologize for the delay in answering. I have been having some computer issues lately.
My thoughts:
Yes, you are being selfish. And believe it or not, so is she. Selfish is what we humans do. We all want things to go well for us.
It is not surprising that she wants certain things for herself; a partner who doesn't smoke so much, and a partner who doesn't lie to her - and the latter is, in my opinion, more important!
And you too want certain things for yourself; to continue to live and enjoy your choice of life-style and family culture, to have a partner who does not nag you to be different.
There are two choices for you, it seems to me:
1) you give up being who you are to please her
2) you don't
She also has two choices:
1) she accepts you as you are
2) she doesn't
In fact, it sounds to me that you have both already made your choices, and it shows up in what you say here:
"She said she doesn't want me to smoke much anymore and I agreed cause she said shed leave me if I didn't. ... she's cool if I only do it a couple times a month. So at 1st that worked but I like 2 do it a lil more not every day by far probably twice a week which for how I used to be is a huge improvement. But I lied about it and she found out and now says I have to pick cause she won't be with me if I do."
To me this pretty clearly shows that you have chosen your number 2 choice (you won't give up being you) and she has chosen her number 2 choice (she doesn't accept you as you are).
She has been very clear about what she wants from you, and you have been very clear in telling her, and yourself, that you are not able to give her what she wants. I don't see a problem with this clarity.
Sounds like your only problem is that you have some unhappiness to deal with. So, deal with it. It only happened because you chose to live your life the way you want, and she is choosing to live hers the way she wants. Again, to me there is no problem in these choices. The only problem is that you are emotionally stung by it.
Ironically, this is exactly the way life works: you make choices, you get results because of those choices, and either you like the results or you don't like them. When you arrive at that point, there isn't much more you can do than accept that you made your choice, got some results, deal with "stuff" around it, and move on. Simple.
Look at what you opened this note with: "I now am in a catch 22 where either decision I feel I will be unhappy the rest of my life
Please help me im at the worst spot in my life. ... I now am in a catch 22 where either decision I feel I will be unhappy the rest of my life."
You seem pretty clear that the result of either choice will be something you don't like - so take a moment to decide which will be the least miserable and go with that one.
I suggest (and this comes from personal experience) that entering into a relationship, knowing ahead of time that it will be unhappy, is the worst of the two choices. That being said, the choice is yours.
