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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Self-Improvement/Self-Help > How to Get What You Want in Life > advice on life.
Expert: Leslie Truex - 9/3/2008
Question
Hi, Thanks for taking the time to look at this. For starters I will give you some info on me.
I am 33, divorced mom of 3, I went as far as graduating HS, I was a stay at home mom when I was married
and now have been working dead end jobs since then. I have a list of issues actually. Quite frankly,
I am a mess. I feel lost in the world. I married a loser and I am not making that up. I got pregnant, so I
figured it was the right thing to do. It turns out I was wrong. We were together for 9 and married for one.
Once we got married, he changed. He worked all the time and when he wasn't he slept.He paid no attention
to me or his children. Eventually he tried to commit suicide. I then left him. Odd to think I am sure.. wow..
you left him when he needed you most? I thought long and hard about the situation going on and came to the
conclusion he was just not happy with me, even if he didn't want to admit it. Later I found out that he was
dating men. Which made everything so much clearer. Anyway, He wasn't the most reliable when we were married and
we ended up living with my mom and dad. They are great people and had no problem with it, since they were so
attached to my kids already. They generously built a huge addition on the house so we would all have room.
So now that generous task has mad my life a bit harder. So I will explain my problems...
1. I feel like I am a loser. I am 33 living with my mom and dad. I have never been out on my own, I have
no career. I want one, but I have no clue what I want to do when I grow up. I feel like if soemthing happened
to my mom and dad.. I would be like a lost child. I need someone to help me figure out what I want in life.
It shouldn't be this hard. I have looked into going back to school, but how can I when I dont even know what
I want to do. I find myself depressed and life not worth living. I don't feel like I am even a good mom cause
I still have to answer to my own. All in all the depressed feelings I have .. I am not a good mom. I have no
motivation to do anything. How does one go about figure out they way they should go towards finding a career?
2. Back to living at home.. I said the addition has made it harder. I call the addition my ball and chain.
WHen they built it they made jokes about me not leaving and when I got divorced they use to make jokes about
making sure who I date knows that I'm not leaving. I never really thought about it til now. WHat guy, normal
career having, stable man would want to move in with my parents? I have met this wonderful guy. He lives 1000
miles away, but we have been making it work for three years. We have are problems, but overall it is wonderful!
He was going to move here to begin with cause of all the problems he was having where he lives, but after
thinking about it he realized that he couldn't move that far away from his children. I was hurt at the time
of this new found info. If he would have told me that at the beginning things might have been different cause
I knew I didn't want to leave my state at that time. I did over everything understand though. In time after
discussing stuff.. I learned that if I want to stay with this man. I would have to move to him. I can bring
my kids with me.. he can not. So, yes.. I want to stay with him. So, yes.. I intend on a move. Do I want to
move that far away from my family? No, but kids do it all the time. I on the other hand.. must not be allowed
to. It isn't even really in the near future, but I am already getting guilt trips laid on me. He is treated
different sometimes after certain stuff. Like when I took the kids to his state for the summer.. they got pissy,
I brought up that I might take the kids there for New Years, since he can't come here this years.. my mom gets
pissy. This also depresses me and brings me down. I can't make both happy. Do I want to ? Yes .. but I am an
adult, why do my parents do this to me? There other two kids moved out, no problems. Me? noo I get this.
I rambled alot and for that I am sorry. I just don't know how to get my life on a track where I will be happy.
How do I choose a career? How do deal with this stuff with my mom and dad? Even if I didn't move to where my
boyfriend is.. I do not want to live with them forever. I want to be my own person. I want to be a mom to my kids
without all the background noise. I want to live life like normal people and have a chance to be truly happy and the best mom I know I can be.
Answer
Hi Kristina,
Your situation is on that can't be fixed through a single email, however I will give you some ideas on how you can take steps to find your passion and make a positive change in your life.
First, you'll need to recognize that it will take time. Wanting change is an important first step, but without action, it won't come. The difficulty is that it can take a lot of time for your action to pay off so its easy to get discouraged and want to give up. You must find a way to combat that by finding a big passion that can fuel your drive.
Also, you may want to consider counseling. A therapist can provide the support and encouragement you need, plus he/she will be able to help you sort out what it is that you want in life and how to get it.
I do believe one of your goals should be to move out of your parents home. Clearly this will help you feel more success in your life. However, take advantage of the benefits of living there to get your life in order such as getting the education or experience you need to get a job that you like.
In terms of finding your passion, that can be a little tougher, but if you take time each day on yourself you can find it. Get a journal to keep track of your thoughts and feelings. Track what makes you happy and what doesn't. Think about what you wanted to do before you were married? What were you goals then? Is that still something you'd like to strive for? What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing? Again, this will likely be a process so take time to reflect. Read inspirational or motivational or success oriented books and articles that can help you develop the right mindset to find your true calling.
Finally, I'd put off moving until you're sure of your goals and are feeling better about your life. Sometimes moving seems like the answer, but a new place doesn't change who you are inside. Its more likely you'll end up a 1000 miles away, with three kids, and still feel like something is missing. So take care of you first and then make your plans. If at that time moving is the part of the plan, then take steps to move.
One last comment. It sounds as if you're parent are invested in your staying with them. Perhaps they don't feel you can succeed or maybe for their own reasons they want you and kids around. Regardless, if you can enlist their support, try to do it. If not, you'll need to find a way to work on your goals despite their negativity. While its nice they made the addition, and it feels like a ball and chain, its not. You are in control of your life. You just need to grab the reins and start steering.
Like I said, one email won't provide you with the quick solution you'd probably like. But commit yourself to finding your passion, getting outside help if you need it. Even just beginning the steps can do wonders to your self esteem and make you feel less like a failure.
Good luck.
Leslie Truex
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