How to Get What You Want in Life/need of a partner

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Hi John,

Thanks a lot for replying and explaining me all the important details behind need of a partner. And thank you very much for an additional answer on how to find a partner.

I agree with you, may be I need to be proactive. May be some kind of effort is required to achieve this desire. But I am afraid, this would lead me to hurtful expectations e.g. giving time to person A and and then waiting he would respond back; I mean my previous life examples have taught me that I am not worth it that guys respond back to me. May be they don't like my face, or my way of talking or I don't know what. But I have observed that even if I am talktative, or not talktative, even if I dress up nicely or just don't dress up nicely, even i am fat or slim, even if i act intelligently and be proud and intelligent, even if I show my accomplishments -- Men just don't stick with me. They leave me too early. It never happened I liked every man I encountered with but the whom i liked, left me always.

So I was wondering i should better focus on something else. However, this pain of loniness, despair, rejection, inferiorty-complex of looks and brain -- will always be there. I mean I cannot overcome it, I decided many times I wont think of it, but then again my past and things all attack me badly.

You explained me the needs for a partner, I have understood them and these have been recorded in my mind. Now what happens that my knowledge on why do I need a partner has been increased but this won't reduce the pain associated with not having one.

Even before I opened my email and read your reply, I was listening to songs and crying continously. This is an ongoing problem, I just pray one day I overcome it.

I am woman and woman's world is ruined and empty when a man rejects her or when she never gets love of a man throughout her life.

I am thank ful to you for making me clear many confusions; I hope I would apply this knowledge in my life. May be I am able to handle the pain and tears.

Answer
Raniya,

I need to ask you a question.  Would you voluntary allow someone to have control over your life?  Would you willingly allow your own well being to be subordinate to someone other person's desires?

I suspect that you answered no.  That you want to have  control over  your own life.  That it would not be fun having some other person control you.

So this is what I want you to think about.  When you want something from someone else, you give them partial control over you.  The more you want and the stronger the want, the more control you give.  

You will need to think about this to see the truth in it.  But think back to a time when you really wanted something from some other person.  What did you do?  You were probably all too willing to do whatever it took to get what you wanted from them.  That gives them control over you, at least to the extent of what you want.

So the lesson here is that you must not allow yourself to get attached to having your emotional needs met by someone else.  When you feel that you need love and caring from some man, then you are giving that man control over your feelings.  And unfortunately that man will not place a lot of value on your feelings.  This usually happens at the subconscious level - we don't actually think about it or realize that it is going on.  But it still happens.  When you are seeking love and caring from a man, that man feels like he can do with you as he pleases.  This is how  you get your feelings hurt, your heart broken.

If you think about a commercial transaction, say you buy a robe from a merchant - you have an even exchange of value and both parties are happy.  You pay your money and the merchant gives you the robe.  There is no emotional imbalance.  Things are even.

That is the way you need to approach relationships.  There must be an even exchange.  You should not be giving more than you are getting.  If you are giving more loving and caring than you are getting because you want him to love and care in return, things will probably not work out.  He will have control over the situation.  On the other hand, if you both give equally, things will work out.

The answer is not in finding the perfect man.  The answer is in accepting yourself as a worthy human being.  Once you accept yourself, once you start to really love yourself, then and only then will you be capable of loving and being loved by someone else.

It would probably help by starting a journal and each day write down 3 or 4 things that you like about yourself.  At first this might seem hard. But the more you do it, the easier it gets.  I am sure that you do a number of things each day that are very positive and loving.  It may be as simple as smiling at a baby, or opening a door for someone.  But start to notice how you are a very decent, loving person and journal about it.  Every week go back and read all the positive things you write down.  You will soon start to get a different picture of yourself.

You are worthy, you are unique.  All humans have faults and weaknesses. That is part of being human.  But focus on the good things about yourself.

John

How to Get What You Want in Life

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John Chancellor

Expertise

How to set and achieve goals, how to find your major purpose in life and the power of focused action. Why you need an emotional attachment to give you the drive necessary to achieve goals.

Experience

Coach and trainer. Author Lessons In Life. www.teachthesoul.com

Education/Credentials
Business degree, certified coach

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