How to Get What You Want in Life/Mix mariage is about to collapse,

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QUESTION: Hello!

Am an Algerian engaged with a Pakistanni who's living in the uk, we did our engagement with my family, and he was in love with me , he was begging me to marry him, now.. after our engagement, he completely changed and treating me worse day after day, and am sure the reason of this is the following two things :

1/ we faced a huge problem with our documents of marriage, and our authaurity required for mix mariage to attet and stamp his birth certeficate in Algerian Ebassy of Pakistan, cause he born there, the worse thing is he lives in the uk and dosen't know anybody in Pakistan to attest it for him.

2/ i like laughing and joking, and that irritates him, and he said that am silly and immature and not made for marriage, but simply i just want to have fun with the one i love...

i need help from you expert, cause we're in break up and don't know what to do, he's not calling me neither txting me nor to come skyping....my family always asks about him, but i lie and say am talking to him, cause they will kill me if they know that he changed you know why?.....cause they were not agree on this marriage first place,
everybody in my relatives and of my neighboors know about this relation, and it will be so shame if we break up for my family and i'll kill my self if i don't marry him, i wanna save this mariage!!

Heeeeeelp plz!

ANSWER: Dear Kik8,

I am so sorry that what should be a happy occasion is turning into a nightmare.  But I think you are focusing on the wrong issue.  I think the issue is not saving the marriage so much as saving yourself.  I know that your culture takes very seriously things that they think bring shame to the family.  

I am not so sure that you have correctly identified the reasons that he suddenly became distant.  Have you ever heard of the expression "buyer's remorse"?  This is what we often experience when we buy something big.  Immediately after we make the purchase be begin to regret having made it.  We start to think of how expensive it was.  We question whether we made a wise decision.  Well this same concept applies to other things in life.

Often men (and sometimes women) become engaged and then realize the commitment they have made.  They can immediately feel trapped - like they have given up all other options and are facing a marriage that they are really not sure about.  From what you describe it seems like he is having second thoughts about marriage in general and to you in particular.  It is often fun to have a relationship and think about marriage.  But getting married is very serious.  And when you are mixing totally different cultures it can be extremely difficult to pull off.

He may be getting some resistance from his family/friends.  I cannot know for sure but for some reason he now seems very frightened by the prospect of getting married.

I think you need to do some serious thinking about whether he was a good fit for you.  You say that you are playful, like to joke and have fun.  Yet he does not seem to enjoy that side of you.  You will not be able to change your personality or his.  If you are not really a good fit, being married will not make things better it will make things worse.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I feel this is what you need to think about.  If he will not engage in serious discussion about this sudden change, I am not sure there is too much you can do.  I would send him a text asking him to at least explain what happened and why he has suddenly changed his mind.  If he is not willing to talk to you, there is little you can do.

Now back to my original statement.  I think  instead of focusing on saving the marriage, I think you need to focus on saving yourself.  Your life is too precious to waste.  I am not sure what size town you live in and what social services are available.  But I think you need to seek out some local social services organization that can help you deal with this situation.  There must be some organization that offers counseling for women in your situation.  Do not be afraid to ask for help.

You sound like you have a lot of great qualities to offer to someone in marriage and to the world in general.  Do not let this one incident rob you of your chance for a long, happy and fulfilling life.  

Please write me back if you need some help in finding some local organizations that will give you some guidance.

You can get through this and find the love and happiness you are seeking.  Do not give up.

John

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello!

I LIKE SO MUCH THIS PASSAGE:

"You sound like you have a lot of great qualities to offer to someone in marriage and to the world in general.  Do not let this one incident rob you of your chance for a long, happy and fulfilling life.  "

am so impressed,  by the way there's some News:
He texted me yesterday to come on skype but i diden't reply until the night time , i came on skype and told him what he needs!! he said why i was talking to him like this, cause i was not talking too much and to each question of his, i reply a short answer 2 words or three, and he was like " Sad act"... i was cheeky with him in order  to know my value when i was too kind with him

is it a right decision!!!

thank you

cheers!

Answer
I am so happy for you and so thankful that you are feeling better about things.

Please never forget your own worth.  You are not dependent on someone else for your happiness.

You have a lot to offer.  Always make sure you are respected and loved.

Good luck and please let me know how things turn out for you.

John

How to Get What You Want in Life

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John Chancellor

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How to set and achieve goals, how to find your major purpose in life and the power of focused action. Why you need an emotional attachment to give you the drive necessary to achieve goals.

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Coach and trainer. Author Lessons In Life. www.teachthesoul.com

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Business degree, certified coach

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