Expert: Alan Mckenzie - 1/31/2008

Question
My recently engaged son and his fiance' have decided they do not want a wedding.  My husband and I have offered to pay for an intimate dinner for 20 family members, or a more casual party setting for 50 or so.  Nothing extravagant but at least a celebration.
They do not want to be center of attention, no bride groom dance, no cake cutting, no walk down the isle etc.  That is ok, but I really want to celebrate this occasion with close family friends.  There are no family issues on either side.   They live together and are both 28yrs. old so of course I can't tell them what to do, but I feel compromise would be a good way to start this marriage. As with my daughters I would love to embrace this time with wonderful memories  HELP.

Answer
Dear Jan,

WOW!!  I am not sure I understand.  Your son is ENGAGED but doesn't want a wedding??  I have to assume that means that he does want to get MARRIED but just doesn't want it to be a big deal.

Well, keep in mind that it is THEIR wedding and they can do it any way they want.  Some couples elope to get away from the stress and hassles that they perceive a wedding is going to cause them.  Others simply get married right at the registrar's office (many are now allowing their employees to marry folks at the same time they get the license).

I find it strange that his fiance doesn't want a celebration of any kind, but hey, again that is their choice.

They don't have to have the ceremony in front of a bunch of folks if THAT is what they are worried about.  Let them get married with just a couple of friends or parents.  BUT, you can still throw them a reception!  That might be your compromise!

The reception is usually thrown by the parents anyway which is why they (parents) usually invite THEIR friends as well.

Remember - It's a PARTY!!  One in which the Bride & Groom are the guests of honor (so tell them they MUST show up!).  That doesn't mean they have to do any special dances, cake cuttings or anything else like that.  Their obligation is to show up, meet people and stay MOST of the time (many couples sneak out early).

So LET THEM!  Have the reception on a different day if they are worried.  Tell them you just want you, your family and friends to all celebrate with them.

In fact, you might even get a venue and food cheaper if it's NOT a wedding but rather a "family function" or get together (don't call it a reunion - they raise prices for those!) that will be very informal and casual.  For such a small crowd, figure about 30 minutes for cocktails, 45 minutes for dinner and then about 15 minutes for speeches (they don't have to speak but YOU can) and such and then if you want to do some dancing, figure about 2 hours if there won't be any 'events'.  So you are looking at about 3.5 to 4 hours total time.  If no DJ or band, then about an hour less.

Just remember, keep the conversation about all this on a POSITIVE frame.  Tell them how proud you are of them both (don't say for FINALLY getting married!) and how you are soooooo looking forward to celebrating with them.  Mention that YOU will be throwing the party for them 'sometime' after their wedding.  You could even ask if they would like the party to be the same day or a different day.  If afterwards, are they going on a honeymoon first?

Then ASK them IF they would like to invite some of THEIR friends to the party and if so, could they please give you a list of names and addresses so you can handle the invitations, which of course will be VERY low key - nothing fancy that might scare them.  Next, ask them what kind of food they think folks would like to eat.

In other words, YOU are going to take care of the planning and such (IF they don't mind that is - make sure!) for the party so they won't be stressed out.  Then, tell them they are grown up enough to make the arrangements for the wedding itself (location, officiant, clothing, etc.) and again, mention they can do it any time they like (before the party of course).

Don't talk about showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties or rehearsals and such.  If they or their friends want to do that, they will.

I hope they come around a little, but remember, keep it on a POSITIVE note whenever you talk about it, but at the same time on a low key one.  Act like you don't really care THAT much, but that it's kind of a 'family tradition' to celebrate weddings just like birthdays, graduations, etc.

Good luck!

Alan McKenzie - Amazing Sounds
http://www.amazingsounds.com