About Lelia Crosby Expertise As CEO and co-founder of www.ForYourBridesmaids.com, I can answer questions about bridesmaid and flower girl etiquette, style, and gifts. Brides, do you have a sticky etiquette situation? Not sure what to get your bridesmaids that will please all the women in your party? Let me help you navigate your attendant issues and select bridesmaid & flower girl gifts with ease.
Experience In co-founding and operating a website exclusively devoted to bridesmaid and flower girl gifts, I am well aquainted with etiquette pertaining to wedding attendants. As the company buyer, I am also experienced in selecting attendants' gifts, from creative to classic.
Education/Credentials B.A. from the University of Virginia
Question QUESTION: I tried to keep my mouth shut, I understand it's their wedding. Unfortunately, I can tolerate being nothing more than a guest but I have a 13 year old that thought she was some part of the wedding. Instead I found out 3 months before the wedding that she isn't included. She felt very close to her only brother but he didn't feel close to her so she was not included. All this advice about how it's their wedding has left many groom's families out in the cold. And bridezilla's gone crazy is the reason. Families are a complicated structure and should be brought together with tact, consideration and compromise. How do I get across to my son that he broke his sister's heart not including her? He has not even spoke with her.
ANSWER: Hi Rebekka,
That's good question. While weddings can be a joyful time for families, they can also be fraught with hurt feelings and resentment if not handled with care. Here are a couple of suggestions to help smooth things over:
1) I'm concerned that your son may not even be aware of the problem. Have you discussed it with him yet? If not, he may not know that his little sister is hurt (especially if they aren't close).
If you haven't talked with him about it yet (or even if you have), you have a wonderful opportunity to prevent further heartache. But proceed with caution! Even though you are hurt for your daughter, try to avoid accusing your son of being a bad brother or excluding his little sister, because it will probably just make him defensive. While it's not ideal, in the whirlwind of work/school and wedding planning, it's possible that his little sister's feelings may not have crossed his mind. That's disappointing, but try to give him the benefit of the doubt. While it's tempting to say, "How could you be such an insensitive brother! By leaving your sister out, you've hurt her feelings terribly." You might instead try: "Son, I know that you're busy with work/school and planning a wedding, but I think your little sister is hurt that she hasn't been included in the wedding yet. Do you think you might be able to include her in some way? She loves you very much, and I know she would be thrilled to be part of your big day..."
2) Suggest a way that she might be included. Offer your son a solution instead of a problem. 13 is a tricky age for weddings - your daughter is too old to be a flower girl, but too young to be a bridesmaid. However, there is a compromise: A junior bridesmaid. As a junior bridesmaid, your daughter would walk in the processional, carry a bouquet, and wear the same dress as the other bridesmaids. (Or a similar dress if the bridesmaids' dresses are plunging/strapless). However, she's not expected to help plan a shower, or give a speech. For more on junior bridesmaids, visit: http://weddings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Junior_Bridesmaid
Note: Most grooms have no idea that there is such a thing as a junior bridesmaid! In fact, a lot of brides don't know about it either. But it's a great way to include girls at an in-between age.
3) Many grooms are woefully uninvolved in wedding planning, so your son may simply have assumed that choosing bridesmaids was the bride's responsibility, and thus stayed out of it completely. So it would be good if you could plant the seed that he should include his little sister. (Diplomatically, of course!)
Finally, while you may not be actively involved in the wedding planning, as the mother of the groom you are more than just a guest--you are a guest of honor!
I understand that weddings can be tricky when it comes to family politics. I hope this helps! I wish you the best of luck in resolving the conflict in a way that strengthens your children's relationship.
Best,
Lelia Crosby
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QUESTION: I had spoken with my son about how bad it hurt his sister and I, I even sent an article about how other little ways he could have included her. His response was the decision is made and they will not include her, however they did include his other half sister as a bridemaid. When budget was given as an excuse, I offered to help with it. I do not feel honored in anyway with the wedding. We are expected to fly in, give a gift and say nothing. All the while we are hurt by their decision. At this point, if we attend my daughter will be hurt for a long time. If I do not attend it is a social disaster. My daughter only has one brother. I am very torn and do not know what to do. At this point my son isn't even speaking with me, he thinks I over reacted by telling him she was hurt.
Answer Hi Rebekka,
I am so sorry to hear that. It sounds like you've done everything you can to try and reconcile this situation. From your message, I can certainly understand why you're feeling hurt.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's much more you can do at this point. While it's heartbreaking now, remember that in time (whether days or years), there's a good chance that your son will realize he has made a mistake. But it will be easier for that realization to occur if you don't try to force anything on him now.
In the meantime, you can try to make this into a lesson for your daughter. If you choose to attend the wedding to prevent further upset, try to do so with compassion and composure. (From what you wrote, it sounds like that won't be easy!) But by taking the high road and showing your daughter that you can still act with love towards your son--even when he has been unreasonable--you will have taught her a priceless lesson in integrity and strength.
Hopefully your son will come around. But if he does not, it truly sounds like you have tried your best, and I very much admire you for that.
