Expert: Lelia Crosby - 2/21/2008

Question
I am going to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding over Labor Day weekend.  I will have an eight month old at that time and asked that my Aunt help us arrange for a babysitter for all of the events since the wedding is a plane trip away from where we live.  I got a call back from her telling me that I could not bring my child.  I understood not to the events of the weekend, but I was told I was not allowed to even travel with him...can't have him in the hotel as my AUNT did not want any children the entire weekend to distract anyone at anytime.  ALL attention on her daughter (SHE SAID THAT).  I let her know I didn't understand, and how could someone tell you you could not travel with your infant (this is our first child) and I was not asking for him to be invited to any of the events.  I also asked my cousin (the bride) and during the conversation I could tell that it was not the brides' idea, but rather my Aunt's.  However the bride is going along with it.  Thus she supports her mother's decision.  We don't live near family and there is no option of leaving our baby at home.  Therefore I would have to travel to the wedding without my husband and he would stay at home with our child.  I am so upset over the situation, that I'm very close to backing out of being a bridesmaid and not attending the wedding.  I know if I do so, my Aunt will make it out that I made a mess of things.  Am I really off base to think that her demanding that we (and other guest) are not allowed to travel with our children and have local babysitters watch them during the rehersal, rehersal dinner, wedding and reception?  Thank you.

Answer
Hi Zion,

No, you're not off base at all--it sounds to me like your aunt is being a bit unreasonable. Of course the focus should be on the bride on her wedding day. But since you wouldn't be bringing your child to any of the events, I don't think your baby would be stealing the spotlight. Besides, most out-of-town family members can't easily leave their children behind for the weekend. And frequently the bride's family does help arrange for child care, although they are not expected to pay for it.

That said, you're right that "dropping out" of the wedding would probably cause some drama in the family, even though at this point it would be well within your "rights" to do so. So unfortunately, only you can decide which is best: Not going to the wedding and dealing with a potential family feud, or going to the wedding solo and (possibly) resenting it. (Lucky you, right?)

A couple of thoughts on how you might proceed:

1) If possible, talk to your Mom or Dad (whoever is directly related to your aunt). Perhaps they would have some insight as to how to talk to your aunt in a way that might bring her around?

2) Exhaust every possible option for leaving your baby at home with trusted adults. Perhaps your in-laws would be willing to stay with the baby for a long weekend? It's a lot to ask, but they might appreciate the time and opportunity to get to know their long-distance grandchild. Also, maybe your aunt would respond differently if you offered to arrange the on-site childcare yourself by calling the hotel directly. It's worth a try!

3) If you decide to stay home and bow out of the wedding party, try to do so with as much grace and aplomb as possible. Still help with whatever shower planning you can. Send lovely gifts, write your cousin a heartfelt letter about her upcoming wedding and how much you love her, etc. That way even if your aunt badmouths you, your actions will speak for themselves.

Finally, try to be compassionate towards your aunt. Some people get completely wrapped up in wedding planning and behave in ways that are completely out of character--in the worst possible way. I'm not trying to make excuses for her--bad behavior is bad behavior--but sometimes weddings bring out the worst in people. So if you can, try to leave the door wide open for mending fences after the wedding has blown over. She may come around after the fact. Also, try not to get upset with your cousin for taking her mother's side (and it sounds like you aren't upset with your cousin, which is great.)  Because if your aunt is that pushy with you, you can well imagine that her daughter doesn't want to cross her wires with the wedding approaching, either!

I wish you the very best of luck in resolving this conflict. I hope this helps!

Best,
Lelia Crosby