Expert: Brenda Cascio - 3/4/2008

Question
QUESTION: My SIL has asked that my 6 year old daughter be the flower girl in her upcoming wedding.  However, she has now asked the she not attend the rehearsal dinner or reception as there will be no children allowed.  She will allow and 10 and 12 year old jr bridesmaids to attend both.  We are spending a considerable amount of money on the FG dress and accessories AND my daughter is SO excited about her "job."  Is this within reason for her to ask that the FG not attend either function?  My daughter is well behaved and the additional plate charge at the wedding in not an issue with this wedding.

ANSWER: Hmmmm, I can't think of any event that can potentially strain family relationships more than weddings.  The question is "Is this within reason for her to ask that the FG not attend either function?"  Well, it is her party, so she has every RIGHT to un-invite her niece to the festivities.  However, it isn't very gracious.  A bride's nightmare could be small children running around the dance floor, sticking fingers in the food and making a scene.  Obviously, that isn't what your daughter would do.  So here you are with a family dilemma.  Assuming SIL is your husbands sister, is it possible that he can speak with her, or what about speaking to your mother-in-law?  If you have had a good relationship with sister-in-law prior to this, could you suggest that your daughter attend the meal and cake cutting, but leave prior to the dancing.   
Here is your opportunity to handle this situation with grace and good manners. Just remember that long after the ceremony, you will still be family, so let that guide your words and actions.
Best Regards,
Brenda Cascio,
www.graciousbridal.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I adore my inlaws and am very close with them all.  I would feel very comfortable talking with the bride directly.  I have yet to do so, as I was concerned I would stress her and perhaps that my feelings were a bit dated.  I remember once upon a time that if you were not having children at the wedding you simply did not have a FG and RB, or they would be the ONLY ones allowed.  I thought perhaps she asked my daughter to be the FG before she decided no children and was uncomforable asking her not to attend the day at all.  Do I address this with my SIL?  Should I just be gracious and bite my lip and do as she asks?  Not to mention, how to I explain to my daughter that she is not allowed to attend the party that she has participated in the excitement about?

Answer
Tonia,
Well that makes it easy!  Just talk to the bride as a sister-in-law.  "I understand your reasoning, and also that you don't want other friends whose children were not invited, to have hurt feelings, but (daughter) is in the wedding party, so it would not look like a selected invite.  I know how much you love her and wouldn't want her to be hurt and feel left out. Can we perhaps work something out?"
Kids can get bored and whiney, especially late after an exciting evening, (yes, even our perfect little angels!).  You may want to have an activity kit for her.  On our site, www.graciousbridal.com, we have coloring activity books for wedding receptions that are popular. Even a game boy or a puzzle would do the trick.  At my daughter's destination wedding, we had a room adjacent to the reception that had a big screen TV, lots of kid-friendly snacks and a selection of Disney movies that kept the rug rats occupied while their parents danced the night away. The only children invited were related to the couple, so it was a manageable crowd.  I'm sure that if your sister-in-law gives it some thought, there will be a viable solution.
Regards,
Brenda Cascio,
www.graciousbridal.com