Expert: Richelle Albrecht - 3/7/2008

Question
QUESTION: My fiance and I are getting married at a Sandals resort in Jamaica in July. It is a second marriage for both of us. A friend of mine is giving us a pre-wedding reception/party with a "Stock The Bar" theme in April so that all of our family and friends can celebrate with us. We will be inviting everyone to this party that we would have invited to a wedding if we had one in the states. She wants to also put a money tree near a picture of the resort and have the theme as "Stock the Bar" as I mentioned, that way guests will have a choice of gifts. Also we could open some of the bar items at the party. Is that appropriate? Second, how in the world will we word the invitations. I have registered for Barware. Thanks, Julie

ANSWER: Hi Julie,
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Please accept my apologies for the delay in answering your question; there's a glitch in the AllExperts system that we're trying to get resolved - I'm not getting notified when questions arrive.

As far as what's appropriate for the party, if you want to open some of the gifts at the party, and the host would not be offended, then I think that would be fine. (If the host or hostess has gone to a lot of trouble to choose just the right wines or cocktails for the evening, though, you might want to leave any bottled gifts unopened. You can always invite the giver over after the wedding to sample a special gift. Or, if there wouldn't be enough of the item to go around - a bottle of vintage champagne, for example, may not serve everyone present - then it's best left for another time.)

When the host/hostess sends out the invitation, there really should be no mention of specific gift requests - it's generally considered in poor taste. Given that the party is has a "stock the bar" theme, people will pick up on this and be likely to bring a bar-type gift anyway. The host or hostess, as he/she hears attendance plans of the guests (whether they rsvp by phone, email, or by mail), can also mention any special preferences, the "money tree" idea, and where you are registered, if guests ask. Gift preferences should always be made known by word of mouth, not on an invitation.

If the party will be fairly casual, you can word the invitation more casually. Something like
"Julie and Mike are eloping - let's help them keep the celebration going after they return with a fully stocked bar"
or
"Before Julie and Mike run away to be married, let's give them a good reason to come back - a fully stocked home bar!"

... and follow with the date, time, and place.

These mention the theme, indicate that guests might want to bring a bar item as a gift, but don't do so in a demanding way - which the tone that's best for this type of invitation.

If the party is more formal - a sit down dinner, for example, then you might go with something more along the lines of:
"Please join us as we celebrate the impending marriage of
Julie Rayburn
and
Micheal Smith
at a "stock the bar" themed dinner."
... again, follow with date, time, and place.

I hope this helps! Best wishes to you and your fiance -
Sincerely,
Richelle


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Richelle,
Thank you for responding!
So let me see if I am understanding this part of the question....If we have registered for barware and accessories (the store has given us cards with the registry on it) do we not put them in the invitations to give our guests ideas? I think word of mouth on the money tree is a great idea. Thanks for helping with the wording of the invitations too.

What do you think about this:

The wedding date is not too far-
So lets "toast" the couple and STOCK THEIR BAR.
Stock The Bar Shower
Honoring
Julie and Barry
Bring your favorite Bottle,
Glass or Device,
SO their Bar is really nice!
SAturday, April 26th
7 PM
Shriner's Club

Party and Live Entertainment to Follow

Regrets 555-5555

Thanks for all of your help!

Answer
Hi Julie -
I think the wording you've proposed is great - just the right tone for the type of party you'll be having. I would leave out the capital letters - people will get the idea without them, I think.

Also, if there's more than one Shriner's Club near you, you might want to put the street address just to be safe.

There's a raging debate about registry cards...  the general consensus among etiquette experts is that it's impolite to include them in an invitation, as it amounts to asking for a gift. (Imagine if you received a birthday party invitation with a card saying "Buy me a present at this store!"... it's the same principle.)

That's not to say that lots of people don't send registry cards out anyway. If it's common among your social circle to send registry cards with invitations, then it is probably ok to do so. Otherwise, if your party will consist of a pretty tightly-knit group of friends and family, word will spread quickly as to where you've registered anyway, and will make the registry cards a moot point.

Best of luck,
Richelle