AboutWeddings Etc LLC Expertise Wedding traditions, fashions, ceremonies, wedding planning, coordination, customs, how to handle situations that arise, responsibilities, budget planning.
Experience I''ve been a wedding coordinator for 16 years. I authored a WEDDING PLANNING GUIDE, a Bride''s Workbook, that is available in local bridal shops. Tattered Cover Bookstores in Denver, CO as well as local Borders Books and through my website. I''ve worked with weddings from just 2 people to 350 guests and all budget ranges. I've also written and teach The Art of Wedding Coordination to those who want to become wedding coordinators.
Expert: Weddings Etc LLC Date: 6/30/2008 Subject: Groom's parents refuse to cut their guest list
Question Our daughter is getting married in October. It is our first wedding. The reception hall they booked holds 340 at round tables, which is what our daughter and we decided on. The guest list was as high as 500 at one point with 270 being the groom's parents. My husband told the groom to either find a bigger hall or to have his parents prioritize their list. They cut their list to 220 and instructed the groom to inform us the list was a dead issue and we were not allowed to talk to them about it. Because we are paying for the hall, we think we should be able to decide how the hall is set up, which ultimately will dictate how many quests it will seat. Because we do not want to invite more than 10% more than the hall will hold, we set our list at 375. We called the groom's parents and met them at the reception hall so they could see what we were talking about. We decided not to get our daughter and her fiancee involved. We thought we could reason with his parents. We told them based on etiquette they could invite 125 guests. Because they have a large family, we told them we cut our list to 95 and gave them our extra 30 so they can invite their family. We asked them to prioritize their list into "A" and "B" lists with 155 on the "A" list. We told them if more people declined than we anticipated we would invite the people from their "B" list first. Because they didn't acknowledge they would do this; we wrote a letter thanking them for meeting with us and restating our request. The first chance they got they invited our daughter over to their house and showed her the letter. The mother turned on the waterworks. Because our daughter is a "peace Keeper" and wants everyone to get along, they knew she would be upset with us; which she is. We came across as the bad guys. We think we are being more than fair. If the groom's parents do not cut their list; what are our options? Thank you.
Answer Hi Nancy,
Unfortunately, weddings bring out the best and the worst in people! Who's paying for the wedding? This should help dictate how many guests you want to invite.
Generally I recommend 1/3 of the guest list goes to the bride's family, 1/3 the groom's family and 1/3 to the bride and groom. Obviously, if you've selected the reception venue and it only holds 375, then that's all you can have. Have you also accounted for floor space for dancing? Usually you want to allow about 20sf/pp. You don't want your guests crowded around tables. You also want your daughter and her groom to be able to walk around, between tables and not worry about getting something spilt on her. The same with the waiters. They need to be able to move around the tables as well. You also need room for a band or DJ.
This is a case where you need to talk to the bride and groom and explain that the room only holds so many people and that the groom needs to talk with his parents about the situation. If the groom's mother gets her way by crying etc, what's it going to be like after the wedding?
Put pencil to paper and show the couple how much it's going to cost. Reception venues, alone, aren't inexpensive and to try to find one for 500 guests will mean the couple will have to cut the budget someplace else.
Does the groom's mother know of another venue that would accommodate the number of guests? Are they including business associates or just family and close friends? These are questions the "kids" need to ask.
Also, keep in mind where the wedding is to be as to how many guests will attend. For example, here in Colorado, because it's a destination for vacations and fall's are beautiful, you'd have more guests come than expected.
These aren't easy questions to answer, but I'd recommend you start with the couple discussing this with the groom's parents, again.
You can always put the ball in their court to find a suitable venue and split the cost. I'm also hoping you have hired a good wedding coordinator to help you. It will make your job a whole lot easier and will help keep the peace that day as well.
I hope this helps some. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.
