AboutWeddings Etc LLC Expertise Wedding traditions, fashions, ceremonies, wedding planning, coordination, customs, how to handle situations that arise, responsibilities, budget planning.
Experience I''ve been a wedding coordinator for 16 years. I authored a WEDDING PLANNING GUIDE, a Bride''s Workbook, that is available in local bridal shops. Tattered Cover Bookstores in Denver, CO as well as local Borders Books and through my website. I''ve worked with weddings from just 2 people to 350 guests and all budget ranges. I've also written and teach The Art of Wedding Coordination to those who want to become wedding coordinators.
Expert: Weddings Etc LLC Date: 7/5/2008 Subject: Groom's parents refuse to cut their guest list
Question QUESTION: Our daughter is getting married in October. It is our first wedding. The reception hall they booked holds 340 at round tables, which is what our daughter and we decided on. The guest list was as high as 500 at one point with 270 being the groom's parents. My husband told the groom to either find a bigger hall or to have his parents prioritize their list. They cut their list to 220 and instructed the groom to inform us the list was a dead issue and we were not allowed to talk to them about it. Because we are paying for the hall, we think we should be able to decide how the hall is set up, which ultimately will dictate how many quests it will seat. Because we do not want to invite more than 10% more than the hall will hold, we set our list at 375. We called the groom's parents and met them at the reception hall so they could see what we were talking about. We decided not to get our daughter and her fiancee involved. We thought we could reason with his parents. We told them based on etiquette they could invite 125 guests. Because they have a large family, we told them we cut our list to 95 and gave them our extra 30 so they can invite their family. We asked them to prioritize their list into "A" and "B" lists with 155 on the "A" list. We told them if more people declined than we anticipated we would invite the people from their "B" list first. Because they didn't acknowledge they would do this; we wrote a letter thanking them for meeting with us and restating our request. The first chance they got they invited our daughter over to their house and showed her the letter. The mother turned on the waterworks. Because our daughter is a "peace Keeper" and wants everyone to get along, they knew she would be upset with us; which she is. We came across as the bad guys. We think we are being more than fair. If the groom's parents do not cut their list; what are our options? Thank you.
ANSWER: Hi Nancy,
Unfortunately, weddings bring out the best and the worst in people! Who's paying for the wedding? This should help dictate how many guests you want to invite.
Generally I recommend 1/3 of the guest list goes to the bride's family, 1/3 the groom's family and 1/3 to the bride and groom. Obviously, if you've selected the reception venue and it only holds 375, then that's all you can have. Have you also accounted for floor space for dancing? Usually you want to allow about 20sf/pp. You don't want your guests crowded around tables. You also want your daughter and her groom to be able to walk around, between tables and not worry about getting something spilt on her. The same with the waiters. They need to be able to move around the tables as well. You also need room for a band or DJ.
This is a case where you need to talk to the bride and groom and explain that the room only holds so many people and that the groom needs to talk with his parents about the situation. If the groom's mother gets her way by crying etc, what's it going to be like after the wedding?
Put pencil to paper and show the couple how much it's going to cost. Reception venues, alone, aren't inexpensive and to try to find one for 500 guests will mean the couple will have to cut the budget someplace else.
Does the groom's mother know of another venue that would accommodate the number of guests? Are they including business associates or just family and close friends? These are questions the "kids" need to ask.
Also, keep in mind where the wedding is to be as to how many guests will attend. For example, here in Colorado, because it's a destination for vacations and fall's are beautiful, you'd have more guests come than expected.
These aren't easy questions to answer, but I'd recommend you start with the couple discussing this with the groom's parents, again.
You can always put the ball in their court to find a suitable venue and split the cost. I'm also hoping you have hired a good wedding coordinator to help you. It will make your job a whole lot easier and will help keep the peace that day as well.
I hope this helps some. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you for getting back to me. To answer your questions: My husband and I are paying for the wedding. The reception hall actually holds 340 at round tables. The 375 target number was based on only a 10% decline margin because the lists have already been pared down once. We are even concerned that 10% is too high. We verbally told the groom's parents and followed up in a letter that each party should get 1/3 of the 375 or 125. But because the groom's family alone totals 150, we cut our list to 95 and gave them our extra 30 so they could invite their family. With 340 the reception hall will be wall to wall tables. After dinner they usually clear the tables from the dance floor and people go to the bar. We have talked to death to the groom and his parents about the limited amount of space and have also mentioned the fire code prevents us from having unlimited people. Limiting the number of guests has never been about the money, it's been soley about the size of the hall. We told the groom to find a different hall, but he never did and there are no halls available for that date that can accommodate a large group. Also, the invitations are printed. The hall will accommodate a larger number at banquet tables, but our daughter has said she wants round tables and we want to make sure she has them. We do not have a wedding coordinator, but I have spoken to one about possibly doing mediation. I pitched the idea to our daughter and told her to check with her future in-laws. All parties will have to agree to abide by what the mediator decides. Hopefully everyone will agree to mediation. I have never heard of the groom's parents being so unwilling to compromise or cooperate. I have a feeling that the reason they are so unwilling to cut their list is because the groom's mother has been very busy telling everyone she runs into to save the date because they will be invited. She doesn't want to have egg on her face. Instead she deliberately caused family friction in the hopes that we would back off because our daughter got very upset with us. Just one other thing that is noteworthy, the groom is a huge momma's boy who just moved out of his momma's house less than one month ago, he is 25 years old. The groom has consistently ran interference for his parents telling us we are not allowed to talk to them about the guest list. He know, full well, that if the guest list stands as is, our daughter, his fiancee, will not have round tables. He, however, does not care. He is trying to make sure his momma gets what she wants. Our daughter has decided that maybe the round tables are worth all this tension. I am trying to tell her to hold her ground; that they are important to her. I am telling her that if she gives into the groom's mother now, it will be a long hellish marriage. I told her she need to tell her fiancee that she should be the most important women in his life right now. Now you know the whole story. We are going to meet with our daughter and her fiancee tomorrow. Any advice? Thank you, Nancy
Answer Hi Nancy,
Be cool, calm and collected. Don't get upset...hard I know, but try not to get emotional. Would it help to show her a diagram of the room, with tables, (ask your catering manager or site person for one of these.) This should be easy enough for them to provide. Perhaps when she can actually see what the room looks like, full of tables and chairs, she'll understand why the number has to be limited.
One thing is for sure, that the hall will only hold so many. Is there an overflow area? This may be a ploy you could use. Tell the groom's mother that she can have the extra guests, but they won't be seated in the main room, because there isn't any room. If she agrees to this, then so be it. You and your daughter will be the ones doing the seating charts.
It's so hard to understand why she's being so stubborn when there's only so much room. It also sends up red flags that the groom to be is not trying to help his bride have the wedding they both want.
Has she said anything about the rehearsal dinner? Are you going to be allowed to invite whomever you want to come or will there be a restriction on the number of guests here? This is her time to "shine" and maybe would help take her mind off the wedding.
Again, do consider hiring someone to assit with the rest of the planning and especially being on site the day of the wedding. This person will be the one "in charge" and what they say will go, based on what you have directed them to do. This way, you also won't have FMIL changing anything the last minute.
Many times a groom's mother feels left out, especially if they don't have any daughters, and have a real tendency to try to have a lot of say about the wedding, without regards to the bride's family. This may be what's going on here. She sees it as her opportunity to "host a wedding".
Put the ball in her court and ask her how she'd like to settle this in order to accomplish your daughter's dream for her wedding, and have everyone happy.
Don't know if any of these ideas will help, but generally, having a third party or wedding coordinator available is beneficial, since we have the experience of just how many people work in a given area as well as trying to find compromises.
Please let me know how you make out tonight, both with the meeting and with the coordinator. I'm here for you,if you need me. You can also contact me direct through www.weddingsbytanya.com.
