Expert: Weddings Etc LLC - 6/21/2009

Question
QUESTION: I lived with one of my good friend's younger siblings for a short time in the last year. I was never good friends with the little sister(lets call her Michelle) so I was conflicted as to whether or not to invite her to the wedding - I decided to ask my friend if Michelle had mentioned it. I was told that Michelle was excited and hoping to be invited (though not expecting it)so my fiancee and I decided to go ahead and invite her, figuring that shes just one person. I also figured that Michelle might not know proper wedding etiquette and might try to bring a guest despite the fact that we did not indicate that she could, so I talked to her before the invitations went out and said that we are already $3000 overbudget so we are asking that only people in serious relationships bring a guest so please don't bring a friend - she responded very kindly and said it was not a problem. Yesterday I discovered that she tried to sneak a friend in by asking someone to rsvp with her friend as a guest and pretend that they are in a relationship so that she could have a friend at the wedding. Luckily for us, he felt very uncomfortable with the situation and told us that it isn't really his gf and told us what happened (and this was confirmed by various other people). I am feeling highly offended and I think this is one of the rudest things I could have experienced while planning my wedding. Obviously we will not letting her friend come, but I am worried that it will upset me to see Michelle at the wedding at all. I have no desire to maintain a friendship with Michelle, I have never been close to her and I feel she treated me very rudely in this situation - but her big sister is in my bridal party and I very much like the rest of her family. I feel the faster I act on this the more understanding people will be with my decisions. What should I do?

ANSWER: Hi Jessica,

You are correct in thinking that Michelle has over-stepped the boundaries.  If the invitations haven't been sent, then don't send her one.

If they have already gone out, maybe you could have her sister talk to her on your behalf, to explain that you just don't have the room or the budget for any additional people.  

If she does come to the wedding, you can choose to let her ruin your day or choose to ignore her, put her out of your mind and enjoy your day.  It sounds like she feels like there won't be anyone there for her to talk to.  You can seat her at a table far away from you with other singles.  Many singles don't know, until they get to the wedding, just how much fun it is to be alone.  More people to dance with and talk to and not feel like they have to spend the time with one person.

Unfortunately, weddings tend to bring out the best and the worst in people and many a guest does, indeed, bring someone not invited.  The only way you can really be sure this doesn't happen is to have security and specify who you don't want to be let in, but you don't sound like this type of person.  

There's going to be so many people for you to talk to, you should be able to keep from crossing paths.  If not, just be genial and she'll get the message.

Hope this helps.  Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your swift response!

Unfortunately the invitations have already gone out. Also, it is not the case that she is worried she won't have anyone to talk to - she already knows that about 15 of her reasonably good friends are going to be in attendance, that is one of the reasons I am so offended.
Unfortunately she is also the sort of person who is hard to avoid - shes very loud and loves to be the centre of attention, which will make her hard to ignore at the wedding. Is there any way to somehow inform her that we'd like her to be more sub-dued than usual and stay out of our way without being completely rude?

Thanks!

Answer
In this case, see if you can "assign" someone to stay with her and keep her under control.  This has to be done every once in a while.  If you are good friends with her parents, talk to them or her sister about your concern.  Everyone wants your day to go smoothly and with as little interruption as possible.  

As a last resort, you may need to have coffee with her and have a frank visit, that while you understand why she'd like to bring a guest, there just isn't room for anymore and you really don't want to embarrass anyone by having to turn them away at the door because they aren't on the guest list.  If she would like to come and help celebrate within the parameters that you've set, she's welcome to come, but to come alone.   

Granted this is really extreme, but it might work.