Expert: Brenda Cascio - 6/9/2009

Question
QUESTION: My brother is getting married in August at a park and then having the reception in the backyard of their home.  They have stated "no children" in attendance.  I have a 4 year old daughter who adores her uncle and have clearly stated that my husband and I will not attend unless my daughter can come.  The "bride" will not change her mind.  I do understand why people opt for "no children" but I have always assumed this does not include "immediate family" children.  Needless to say, this has created much hardship in the family.  I just can't get past the fact that my daughter cannot come as it is not in a fancy place.  What is your opinion?

ANSWER: Hi Gail,
Strange as it may seem, brides don't always take their future sister-in-laws requests.  It is her day, her party.  The one she dreamed of since she was a little girl.  Granted, she may have toned it down from a fabulous country club event with everyone in tuxes and ballgowns, to the reality of a park and a backyard, but by-golly, it will be all adults.  Allowing your daughter to be the one child in attendance could cause tremendous hurt feelings on her side of the family or with her dear friends, so a blanket exclusion covers all bases. Your family may include "immediate family" children, but hers may not.  There are dynamics from another family involved now.  I'm sure your daughter is an angel, and would sit quietly throughout the ceremony, then gently flitter to and fro at the reception with other guests murmuring how well-behaved and gorgeous she is.  But your future sister-in-law may have attended a family wedding with little terrors running around and whining, and she has vowed to never have that at her wedding.  Once she has her own little ones underfoot, she may feel differently, but this is here and now, and it would be a shame to miss your brother's special day to make a point.  The goal of a wedding is to "unite" not divide, and by making this a divisive issue, it can only cause hard feelings for the future. Since you ask, my opinion is to hire a babysitter, go have a great time, and embrace your sister-in-law into your life. That will be the best gift you can give your brother.
Regards,
Brenda Cascio,
www.GraciousBridal.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I appreciate your answer but I didn't give all the facts.  This will be her 3rd marriage and my brothers first.  She is in her late 40's and has a 14 year old son (who, of course, will be there).  Isn't a 14 year old still considered a "child"?  Also, she does not get along with her family and in my opinion, wanted to create a riff in our family (which she has done).  Thank you.

Answer
Hi Gail,
I didn't see your further question, sorry about it taking so long.
Some situations are just sad, looking forward to what you assume will be a difficult life for your brother, seeing the trouble that his new wife will be causing in the family.  However, your brother is an adult, and he is making this choice.  Everyone else may be able to see clearly what he is walking into, but love is blind, and he isn't seeing it.  Regardless, it is his wedding too, and if he is choosing to back her up on the "no kids" rule, then that's where it stands.  No Kids.  Of course her 14 year old son will be invited, that is only to be expected, and a 14 yr old son is not in the same category as a 4 yr old niece.  My recommendation is to suck it up, hire a babysitter, and make the best of the situation. Your brother will need your support in the future if everything turns out the way that you suspect.  By him seeing you in a supportive role, being there for him during the wedding, will mean so much more than you can imagine.  I wish you the best.
Brenda Cascio,
www.GraciousBridal.com