AboutKay Lewis Expertise I have a Masters degree in Social Work. I can answer questions about relationhips, communication skills, preparation for marriage and handling the issues of sick parents.
Experience Family relations, domestic violence and life skills training.
Education/Credentials BS Social Work
MS Social Work
Question QUESTION: my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. We are both 19 but I'm a older. He lives in Italy and i live in Florida. Things were great until recently. We have been fighting a lot for no reason at all. Mostly he would started it. He is blaming me for everything he told me "i have no social life because of you" or " you are ruining my life" and other things that makes me wonder. He accuse me of not loving me and not caring, but i do love him with all my heart but he doesn't see that. he says that he care about me too much and loves me but he doesn't understand why he says that. I'm really confuse on what to do. Things are getting worst. One minute we would be fighting and the next act like nothing had happen. Sometime we talk about breaking up but none of us wants too, but when we are arguing he is saying stuff about breaking up. WHAT DO I DO?
ANSWER: It seems he knows what is going wrong in the relationship. That makes me wonder why you don't know what's wrong. Why do you insist there is nothing wrong with the relationship when you can clearly see he is not happy. SOMETHING IS WRONG. You need to STOP DENYING the problems in the relationship and deal with them. He's not going to want to stay unless the problems in the relationship are resolved. The key to doing that is for YOU to stop denying that there is something wrong in the relationship. Your denial is pushig him away and therefore keeping you in a sad place. STOP IT.
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QUESTION: I know there is a problem i just don't know how to fix it. I just don't know how to fix it. It's hard to talk about it because it always lead to an argument. Plus it's harder because we are so far away. I want this to work because i don't like fight so much it's not my style.
ANSWER: Maybe the two of you can make some rules for this discussion. For instance, a rule could be that each person has to listen to what the other has to say and not interrupt. Another rule could be that there will be no name calling or yelling. An important rule would be that each of you should clarify their understanding of what the other has said before beginning to respond to it. Some couples even make a rule that each will write down what they have to say. They will exchange papers but no one will respond immediately. They can respond verbally an hour later. Do you think any of this will help? What is the problem in the relationship?
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QUESTION: thank you and i do think this will help us i will try asking him to do it with me. Some of the problem is that he kind of want to control a lot of stuff. Like if he says no then it's a no. I don't like that. We need to think of something that would put us in the middle so we both can have power, because we both like to say our opinions. Another problem is if i told him I'm going out for a few hours he would tell me you should go almost begging me and later when i come back he would start a fight because i left him. I love him but i don't want to be stuck 24/7 with him i need to talk to other people to. I don't party or anything like that. If i go to a party it's usually a friend's family type of party. I don't see why he is so worry. I don't cheat or ever even think about that. He gets too jealous sometimes. One other problem is that he expects me to be in a good mood all the time. he doesn't understand that sometime i can be in a bad mood and just don't want to be as talkative with him. When he have a problem i usually there asking him what's wrong, are you ok, and such things like that. Our lifestyle is a little different even though we both still lives with our parents. I go to school,to work and i have to pay all the bills and he doesn't have a job yet because of his school schedule he gets what has a stable household and i don't. So all he does is go to school, study and talk to me. Unlike me who has to go to school, study, go to work, and talk to him. He got mad at me yesterday because i told him i had 25 hours this week (his excuse is that we won't see a lot of each other) i have to work to save money to go see him which is a lot of money flying to Italy he doesn't see it that way. He told me I'm always doing something and he doesn't do anything and he hanged up on me. I know we get into a lot of stupid situation but we had some good time and we still do when we are not fighting. He can be so nice sometime but other times he can be the biggest a-hole. i will try very hard to make things ok between us.
thanks again for listening to me and our time
Answer Are you sure he is not working? How does he pay his expenses, party and spend time with friends and family if he has no money? I suppose one thing you could be grateful for is that he does not have a friend who works overtime trying to ruin his relationships with family and romantic relationships. Just imagine someone lurking around trying to gather any information she can in order to use it against people in his life and manipulate him. Wouldn't that be the definition of insanity? Be glad you don't have that in your life and pray you won't have to deal with a thorn in your side for the rest of your life.
