How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One/After a Fight

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Question
Dear Kathy, I am hoping you can shed some light into why my husband is behaving this way, and what I can do to help heal the situation.  A few days ago, we were at lunch with a few friends and they were discussing their wedding planning.  My husband and I had a 'shotgun' marriage (due to a pregnancy, we married sooner than we would have otherwise), so I never had the chance to plan a wedding. I have always wanted to, however, and he knows this is a sore spot for me. These are people we see often. He said to me, while at the table, "Don't worry about all this wedding talk," but it was loud enough for others to hear, and in my opinion, it was laced with a bit of sarcasm. Hours passed and I didn't bring up my hurt, and when I couldn't take sharing my feelings with him anymore, I told him how I felt. He immediately defended himself and it turned into a heated argument. That evening, he attempted to make amends, but I was so hurt and angry still (also from things said in the argument) that I was not quite ready to talk it through- felt I needed more cool down. The following morning, I went to hug him, and he refused. He's been stonewalling me for two days. I tried to reach out once and send him a nice text message, and he's still silent as a ghost- and makes it very apparent he is upset. The tables have turned. What do I do?

Answer
Hi, Lily. I understand your feelings were hurt when he made the comment, and in your eyes, it may have had a sarcastic undertone, but perhaps in reality, he really meant for you not to worry about what your friends were talking about because he knows how you feel about how the two of you were married.

In any case, it was good that you shared how you felt and although the situation escalated into something more, you needed to share those feelings before they festered. It's never a pretty site when individuals hold in their feelings.

However, I think what happened was he may have felt hurt when you rejected him after he tried to make amends. Did you try and explain to him that you just needed a little more time to cool off or did you ignore him?

Whatever the case may be, have you tried apologizing to him? If you have, was it genuine and sincere? What I mean is, did you apologize without using a "but" at the end of your sentence. Once you utter "but" at the end of an apology, it completely puts the apology at null and void.

My only suggestion would be to send him a text message with your sincere apology and let him know that if he needs his space, you will give it to him. Also, let him know when he's ready to talk to you, you'll be there waiting. Make sure you reassure him that you love him and let him know that you truly just needed some time to cool off.

Hopefully, once he sees that you are truly sorry, he will stop stonewalling you, start talking to you and move past the situation.

I hope this works, Lily. Keep me posted!  

How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One

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Kathy

Expertise

I can answer questions in regards to relationships, dating, family issues, etc. I, myself, have been through it all. I also have experience working with depression and am a parent so I can contribute advice through the eyes of both a mom, sister, daughter and a friend.

Experience

I have battled depression and have overcome a great deal. I have been in serious relationships, one for 11 years as well as one I am currently in and both have been incredibly different, but incredibly eye opening. I have a family of women and relationships are all we seem to talk about. I have also worked in a facility with young women in various types of relationships ranging from abusive to non-abusive. I am a great listener and although I lack any "professional" credentials, I will provide honest and compassionate answers and help to those who need.

Education/Credentials
I'm just a really good listener and an older sister, a mom, and a girlfriend. I have experience with relationships..trust me.

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